0106warning
"Sire, the Grand Marshal has put out a Faerie-Wide Alert for thy arrest," the Ixie informed me.  "By order of the Queen."
"WHA??" I asked, nervously glancing around the room.  "The Marshal?  The Queen?  But why?  Do they know I'm here?"
"Mayhap, or mayhap not," the Ixie shrugged.  "I knew thou wert here.  Tis likely my sisters know as well, and though the Marshal scorns us, the Queen doth make use of our services.  So thou mightest be in peril more immediate than thou thinkest.  Or not."
"Aren't you all my daughters?" I asked, bewildered.  "What happened to familial loyalty?  How could you inform against your own father?"
"Not I, Sire," the Ixie insisted.  "But our motto is ever 'Business cometh first.'  The Queen payeth us well.  Thou payest us nought."
I stared at her in disappointed astonishment for a moment.
"The Sisterhood payeth us even better," she added, in what sounded like a reassuring tone.
0106elfmind
"Maybe this is what Meadow was trying to tell me," I theorized as I dashed to the window.  I could still see her atop the building across the way.  She waved and pointed at something and ducked low behind the parapet.  I tried to pick up a message via Elfmind, but it was garbled and unclear.  I concentrated harder but still could make no sense of the jumbled mental noise I was picking up.
"I can't make out what she's trying to tell me," I complained aloud.
"Something here is interfering with Elfmind," the Ixie explained.  "I could not get thy attention til I spoke aloud, though I had been here some considerable time before that."
"Probably some anti-espionage measures put in place by the SALVS," I theorized.  "Vulpitanians certainly are paranoid.  You wouldn't happen to know anything about their experiments, would you?"
She shook her head regretfully.
"Hmm, well, Rotnev said 'rhubarb' a moment ago, which means they are starting to wake up, so I don't have much time," I muttered, thinking aloud.  "In this state they may be highly suggestible .. I might be able to get them to talk about their research .. or .. OF COURSE!  Estvan, you genius!  I can see their dreams in that scrying bowl which he set between them!"
0106dreamscry
I rushed into the other room and flopped onto the floor next to the slumbering SALVs.
"The Plan dictates regarding King Estmere's fertility .." I whispered.
The image in the bowl showed Rotnev and Nexivydah dancing & juggling test tubes.
"The Plan," I whispered.
Dream-Rotnev picked up the Old Crow tablet and broke it.  A glowing crystal floated out from the shards of pottery.  Rotnev took this crystal and seemed to feed it to a furry object that looked like a Scuti.  Then he and Nexivydah danced some more, amid flashes of lightning.  When they began making out, I got up and hurried back into the laboratory.
0106gem
I sifted through the rubble of the broken plaque, and sure enough:  I found an odd, dull-colored gem.  It was fairly pulsating with magickal energy.
"What is it?" the Ixie asked.
"I have no idea, but it seems to be crucial to the Vulpitanians' Plan."  I tucked the gem into a safe place way in the back of my Elfintory, and then surveyed the room once more.  "Time to get going, before the Marshal's men get here."
My attention was diverted by a glassy clinking sound, and I noticed the small Scuti writhing furiously in its jar.
"That thing has probably seen everything these foxes were up to," I theorized.  "Alice and Mara should be able to talk to it and find out what it knows."
0106amscray
I scooped up the jar and tucked it under my arm, then made my way quickly & quietly to the stairs, out of the SALVs' apartment.
0106arrest
As soon as I stepped out into the street, a pair of burly constables grabbed me and handcuffed my arms behind my back.  They took the Scuti jar and handed it to Marshal Theronmyathus.
"What vile monster is this?" the Marshal croaked.  "It's evidence of some nefarious crime, I'm sure.  Prince Adler, you are under arrest, by order of the Queen.  Let the record show that you were apprehended while exiting the Vulpitanian dignitaries' quarters.  By Royal decree, you have the right to have a Floozy present during proceedings up to and including the conclusion of your trial.  If you do not have a Floozy, one will be appointed to you by the Crown."
"[i]Say nothing, Sire,[/i]" the Ixie whispered in my Elfmind.  "[i]This problem shall be taken care of.[/i]"
****************************************

0114redcaps
"I want Meadow Grainmaster to serve as my official Floozy during these proceedings," I shouted as the Marshal and the Sergeant hurried off ahead of us.  Then, as the constables manhandled me toward the Detention Center, I protested:  "Hold on a second!  What exactly am I being charged with?"
"Fuma spray me if I know, laddie," the wolf constable replied.  "Tis at the Queen's orders, so could be anything.  Did ye give her an odd look, or leave a chamberpot in the wrong place?  Did ye fail tae wish her a bonnie mornin' in the proper tone o' voice?  Ye never can tell wi' femmes.  Me own Sally holds me responsible every time there's cloudy weather.  It's got so I'm scared to say anythin' at hoome."
"You think that's rough?" the bull rumbled.  "You should try building a miniature three-masted schooner inside a wine bottle - after you didn't even get to drink the wine!  Speaking of which, Nero, where do you want to go for breakfast after we drop this little perp off?"
"I dinnae, Angus, how aboot that Antglade-style barbecue stand?"
"They don't have decent salads there," the bull objected.  "How about the Green House?"
"Bah, we went there last time," the wolf scoffed.  "Barrin' the barbaric flavour and the havoc it wrought upon me digestion, those shrub-run places have such beastly slow service!"
This debate went on for the duration of our walk, cruelly reminding me that it was early morning by now, and had been quite some time since I last ate.
When we arrived at the Detention Center, the constables unfastened my manacles and shoved me into a holding cell.  Then they went away, still debating where to go for breakfast.  I dejectedly surveyed my surroundings.  There was a bench chained to the wall, with a chamberpot and an assortment of cobwebs under it.  I sat down on the bench and worriedly contemplated my situation.
0114prisoner
"Pssst, hey you, hey fella," a rat in the cell opposite whispered.  "What are you in for?"
"I'm not really sure," I answered mournfully.
"Aw come on, buddy, you can confide in me.  Us Unseelie gotta stick together, see?"
"I was caught snooping around where I shouldn't be, I guess," I admitted.  "But my intentions were good."
"I hear ya," the rat commisserated.  "This goody-goody tyranny just ain't fair, see?  What do skunks know about life on the street?  No offense.  That lowfolk was already mostly eaten when I got there!  Elves don't lie, see?"
I was somewhat relieved when Marshal Theronmyathus and Sergeant Avogadro strode up to my cell, interrupting this conversation.  The Marshal unlocked the door and Avogadro rushed in, jabbing his finger at me angrily.
0114goodbad
"I've had it with you, Bastard!" the mole squeaked furiously.  "Are you gonna tell us what you were up to in the SALVs' apartment, or do I have to get rough?"
"Er, should you be questioning me without my Floozy present?" I asked nervously.  "Where is Meadow?"
"Now, now, Sergeant," Theronmyathus croaked as he tugged Avogadro away from me.  "The Prince has rights, and it would not do for us to go violating them.  Sorry about this, Your Highness.  He gets excited sometimes.  Cares passionately about justice, you know.  Anyway, we came to inform you that your Floozy - or should I say Floozies - are here.  You are only entitled to one, so you'll have to clear up this confusion before we can proceed."
"Don't dawdle about it," Avogadro growled irritably.
0114floozies
Four femmes lined up in the corridor outside my cell.
"When I heard that Cute Prince Adler was in trouble, I just knew he needed me," Doris Saltstick sighed dreamily.  "I will help him through this time of adversity."
"When did you get back from Caer Adland?" Meadow sneered.  "I'm the one currently serving as Adler's office Floozy, I understand his present situation better than anyone else here, and besides, it's me that he has asked for by name."
"Hudalaleigh!" the scantly-clad wolfess exclaimed.  "Sure an' the Wolf Queen fights fer justice, so I'll wrestle the lot of ye for the right to serve as Adler's Floozy!  One at a time or all together, it matters not.  Best three falls out o' four wins."
"I am Prince Right Hand Adler's Court-Appointed Floozy," the smartly-dressed ungulate stated drily.  "The rest of you might as well go home."
0114ixivisit
"[i]Quickly, Sire, while they're all distracted,[/i]" an Ixie whispered in my Elfmind.  "[i]Only one of yon Floozies is in league with the Sisterhood, so choose carefully.  Also, if thou hast anything in thine Elfintory which thou'dst prefer the Marshal not to find, best give it to me now and I'll smuggle it away for safekeeping.[/i]"
*******************************

I rummaged around in my Elfintory, pulling out the jug of brandy Ravenmad had given me in order to reach smaller items that had slipped behind it.
"[i]Quickly, Sire, quickly,[/i]" the Ixie urged.
0121contraband
"[i]This fake Vulpitanian medal & monocle, and this gem from the SALVs' laboratory are probably the most incriminating items,[/i]" I thought at her with Elfmind.
"[i]By the Lady, Sire, I cannot carry all that,[/i]" the Ixie protested.  "[i]Unlike thee, I have no Elfintory, and needs must grapple objects in my arms.  I can take but one.  Choose!  Our time is short![/i]"
I hastily handed her the gem, and stuffed the other items back into Elfintory.  She grasped the gem firmly, and vanished.  I turned my attention back to the Floozies, who were still squabbling amongst themselves.
"Why can't I hire you all as a team?" I asked.
"You're only entitled to one!" Avogadro's voice resounded irritably from down the hall, where I supposed he and the Marshal were waiting.
"The mole speaks the truth, Highness," the smartly-dressed ungulate remarked.  "Royal Statute A-56 states that a noble defendant is entitled to [i]a[/i] Floozy.  Singular.  Not a harem."
"Hey pal, I'll take one of the extras if you're not usin' her," the rat in the other cell interrupted.  "Doesn't matter which.  I think me and the mousie would get along just swell.  Or if Wolfie wants to wrestle, I'm game."
"Sir, the regulation applies to noble defendants," the ungulate stated.  "Are you noble?"
"Not in any sense of the word," the rat glumly admitted.  "Elves don't lie, see."
"Well, ladies, I'm sorry you all wasted your time coming down here," I sighed.  "But Meadow is the only one whom I actually requested."
0121urgentcall
Suddenly Meadow squeaked and flinched.  She reached into her Elfintory and fumbled out a buzzing, flashing glass orb.
"Yes?  Hello?" she said to the orb as she held it up in front of her face.  "Who is this?  How did you get this scry?  What?  She WHAT??  Oh dear, oh dear.  Fuma's Mercy!  I'm sorry, Adler, but I, uh, I've really got to take this."
Everyone watched silently as Meadow hurried out of the Detention Center.
"It appears, Highness, that you will have to settle for your second choice," the ungulate observed.
I glowered at the remaining three and momentarily entertained perverse (almost Unseelie) fantasies of deliberately antagonizing them.  Perhaps I should nominate Sergeant Avogadro or the reprehensible rat across the hall to serve as my Floozy, just to show them that I could CHOOSE rather than settle for an option that was quite apparently being forced upon me.
0121debate
"Wolf Queen," I asked the one in the skimpy armor.  "Who sent you here?"
"Begorrah," she replied.  "Sure and nobody sent me at all, at all.  The Wolf Queen fights fer Justice and goes where she's needed."
"The Wolf Queen I've read of in legends carried a formidable weapon called 'Sun-and-Moon.'  Where is it?"
"Sure and not every situation calls fer hackin' and slashin', me boyo," the Wolf Queen giggled.  "Might ye be believin' it's at the cleaners?"
"[i]Please tell me you're not Estvan Silverbrush,[/i]" I thought at her in Elfmind.
"[i]That I cannot tell ye, for elves do not lie,[/i]" she replied.  "[i]Ach, there's no need to be makin' such faces.  Ye cut such a foine figure as SALV Relda Fauxfox, sure'n I decided to get into the act an' adopt a disguise meself.  And when I saw that you were in need of legal advice, well, I decided to come and render me services.[/i]"
"[i]Do you know anything about Imperial legal proceedings?[/i]" I asked.
"[i]Hudalaleigh, lad.  Me japes an' shenanigans have served me well enough for centuries upon centuries.[/i]"
"Are you quite all right, Highness?" the ungulate asked me.  "You suddenly look quite ill."
"He's just worried about his case," Doris piped up before I could respond.  "But poor little Cute Prince Adler need not fret.  I'll just get a magistrate to certify a Writ of Corpus Delecti and we'll be out of here by lunchtime."
"You realize there's no such thing, right?" the ungulate scoffed.  "Did you get your legal training from old issues of [u]Jane, the Lowfolk Femme[/u]?"
"It's required reading for all Palace Floozies," Doris sniffed, crestfallen.
"Who sent you?" I asked them both.
"When word went around the Floozie Baths that you had been arrested, I volunteered," Doris gushed.
"Minister Lynne personally appointed me this task," the other ungulate stated crisply.  "You may call me Ms. Thomson, Floozy-at-Law, at your service."
Well that's just great, I thought.  If she was selected by Lana Lynne, that meant that Thomson was the Sisterhood agent.
"Sorry, ladies," I sighed, resigning myself to my fate.  "Ms. Thomson is clearly the most qualified.  Doris, 'Wolf Queen,' I thank you for your intentions but alas, it seems I cannot use you at this time."
Doris made a choked sound in her throat and started dabbing at her eyes.
"Not so fast, me boyo," the wolfess snarled.  "Sure and nobody gives the Wolf Queen the brush-off like that."
"What would you have from me?" I asked, exasperated.
"Well, did me old eyes deceive me or did I see ye clutchin' to yer breast a moment ago a bonnie wee bottle o' Three-and-a-Half?"
I stared at her agog for a moment.
"Sure and under normal circumstances I'd be loath to deprive a prisoner o' spiritous sustenance, but - ye ungrateful blatherskyte - ye've gone and spurned me largesse, and have cruelly broken this poor doe's heart into the bargain.  This poor, tall, lovely, forlorn doe.  She stands in need of some gentle consolin'."
"Aren't you married?" I asked suspiciously.
"And who might ye be talkin about?" the 'Wolf Queen' retorted hotly.  "Hand over the needful if it's rid o' me ye wish to be."
With a heavy sigh, I pulled the bottle out of my Elfintory and passed it through the bars into the so-called Wolf Queen's waiting paws.
"Many thanks, me boyo," she cackled.  "Now then, Doris, me dear.  Let's away and drown our sorrows in this sweet Elfhamian nectar."
"Finally," Ms. Thomson whispered as soon as they were gone.  "Now then; I hope you got that Ixie to remove the most damning evidence, Your Highness.  I suggest that you speak as little as possible during these proceedings."  In a louder voice, she called down the corridor:  "Marshal!  My client and I are ready!"
Theronmyathus and Avogadro returned to my cell, unlocked it, and led me to a small interrogation room which contained a table and three chairs.  The others waited until I was seated, then sat - the Marshal on my left, and the Sergeant directly across from me.  Ms. Thomson planted herself delicately in my lap.
"I must advise you -" she began.
0121questioning
"SEARCH HIS ELFINTORY!" Avogadro growled, leaning forward over the table.
"I regret the intrusion upon your person, Your Highness," Theronmyathus croaked.  "It is an unfortunate necessity."
******************************

"I presume you have a warrant authorizing a search of my client's personal space?" Ms. Thomson asked drily.
"I have three," Theronmyathus chuckled hoarsely.  "Would you like to see them all?"
"One will suffice," the Floozy replied.
The Marshal produced the paper and slid it across the table.
"Very well," Ms. Thomson murmured after studying the immaculately-completed form.  "This appears to be in order.  If you will kindly bear the intrusion, Your Highness .."
0128frisk
She set her briefcase on the floor, unbuttoned the front of my jacket, and reached into my Elfintory.
"TICKLES," I gasped, trying not to squirm.
"Before these assembled witnesses I bring forth," Ms. Thomson formally declared.  She pulled out a handful of old dried mushrooms and hoof clippings which must have been lying in there for years, ever since the Ferifax Arch explosion.
"What, did you reach all the way to the bottom on your first go?" I blurted.  "That's just some old -"
"I would recommend that you not try to explain these items at this time, Your Highness," Ms. Thomson hissed warningly.  "Your comments will be a matter of record."
"We're hardly interested in the Prince's pocket lint," Avogadro scoffed.  "You might as well put that disgusting debris back where you found it."
"Now now, it might be evidence," Theronmyathus croaked.  "Put it on the table and I'll make a note of it.  What else do you find, Ms. Thomson?"
She reached in and pulled out a copy of Wise Professor Skunk's [i]Basics of Vulpitanian Frontgammon.[/i]
"This belongs to the Royal Library of Persoc Tor," Theronmyathus rasped as he inspected the flyleaf.  "What are you doing with it?"
"I wished to learn Frontgammon in order to be hospitable to the visiting Vulpitanian dignitaries," I explained.  "The Queen loaned it to me.  She goes to Persoc quite often to get books."
"I see," the Marshall croaked suspiciously while making a mark on a notepad.  "Next."
Ms. Thomson drew out the set of clippers which I had taken from Mara Supial in the Hall of Ancestors.
"It appears to be a gardening implement," the Floozy explained before I could say anything.
"A perfect weapon to use against our Shrub Knights," the Marshal muttered ominously as he wrote on his pad.
Next Ms. Thomson pulled out my toy ant.
"That's Bucephalus," I blurted.  "I've had him since I was an elflet."
"Same name as Irenaeus' ant, sir," Avogadro pointed out.
"Delusions of grandeur," Theronmyathus theorized as he jotted a note.
"Please try to refrain from commenting," Ms. Thomson whispered to me sternly.
Next the Floozy pulled out a green bandit hat which my fellow-travelers had jokingly put on my head as I slept during my coach ride to Athstead.  I had completely forgotten that was in there!  Theronmyathus inspected it and eyed me dubiously as he placed it on the table.
"By the Lady!" the Marshal squawked as Thomson pulled out the false Irenaeus costume tail.
"I recognize that, sir," Avogadro explained.  "His Highness gave it to me to wear in order to disguise myself as him when he sent me to the kitchen to contaminate the visitng SALVs' meals.  And that's the fake dagger handle which an unknown assailant used to pretend-assassinate me while I was thus disguised," he added as Ms. Thomson pulled out the false dagger.
"Interesting," Theronmyathus remarked.  "Next."
"A gift from my archery instructor," I explained as the Floozy brought out my elfin bow.
"Ah yes," Theronmyathus croaked, scribbling on his pad.  "Our records indicate that you were instructed by Utica the Huntress, a known user of forbidden Wiles and currently a wanted fugitive, whereabouts unknown."
"Please refrain from speaking during this process, Your Highness," Ms. Thomson hissed at me through gritted teeth.
"Here's a strange item," the Marshal remarked as Thomson pulled out the tall striped hat I had worn as SALV Relda Fauxfox.  "I believe these are commonly worn by revelers at Vulpitanian Saint Reynard's festivities."
Heeding my Floozy's warning glance, I said nothing.
Next, she reached in and pulled out my King's Right Hand regalia - the hat and the wand of office.
"Hmm, well these cannot legally be taken from you," Theronmyathus muttered as he shook the hat, making sure nothing was concealed inside.  "Leastwise, not by me.  So I return them to you."
0128suspicious
"Not so fast, madam," the eagle snapped, grabbing Ms. Thomson's wrist as she attempted to exploit his momentary distraction with the Hand hat to stealthily slip a piece of paper from my Elfintory into her cleavage.  "What's this you have here?  A Vulpitanian Embassy pass, granting an 'Exotic Lengra-Cha Floozy' security clearance to the office of Marshal SALV Anton Sweetcheeks."
"[i]I certainly hope the item your Ixie smuggled out was MORE incriminating than this,[/i]" the ungulate thought at me scornfully with Elfmind.  "[i]Though I have trouble imagining how it could be.[/i]"
"Is there any more to be found, Ms. Thomson?" the Marshal inquired icily.
The Floozy reached in and reluctantly pulled out the fake monocle and medal I had made.
"A Vulpitanian Escapist medal and a monocle shaped like a miniature handcuff," the Marshal observed, making notes on his pad.
"An Escapist medal?" Avogadro exclaimed suddenly.  "A monocle?  A tall striped hat?  An exotic Lengra-Cha floozy?  Sir, all of this matches the description of the mysterious and beautiful white-furred vixen who is suspected of setting off explosions at the Vulpitanian Embassy last night!  I think I saw her leaving this very building not long before that incident occurred."
0128furious
"What have you done to her, you villain?" the mole exclaimed, leaping up from his chair.  "Why do you have her personal effects in your Elfintory?  I promise you, if you've harmed so much as a single hair of her glorious snowy pelt, I'll see you suffer the most excruciating agony that Imperial Law will allow!"
"Sergeant, you are straying far off-script," Theronmyathus rasped.  "Sit down and calm yourself.  Your Highness, were you inside the Vulpitanian Embassy last night, and did you have anything to do with the attack that occurred there?"
"My client is not on trial and does not have to answer those questions now," Ms. Thomson tartly interjected before I could speak.
0128drunk
Suddenly Doris Saltstick burst into the interrogation room.
"THISH'Z A TRAVESHTY O JUSHTISH!" the doe shrieked, pointing angrily toward Ms. Thomson.  "I'VE KNOWN TH' CUTE PRINCE 'N KNOWN HOW CUTE HE WAS A LOT LONGER'N YOU HAVE, YOU PARALEGAL SHTRUMPET!  I SHOULD BE TH' ONE IN HIS LAP, CUDDLIN HIM AN' GIVIN HIM ADVICE AN FEELIN UP HIS ELFINTORY."
"Sergeant, remove that drunken Floozy and place her in detention," Theronmyathus squawked.  "Guard!  Why have you allowed this unauthorized interruption?"
"Sorry sir," someone I could not see replied from the corridor.  "She took me by surprise and wriggled right past as quick as could be."
"[i]I could have used this distraction beneficially if she had shown up just a few minutes earlier,[/i]" Ms. Thomson thought ruefully in my Elfmind.
After Doris was subdued and removed from the room, Avogadro resumed his seat.  After staring at the table full of evidence for a moment, Theronmyathus turned and looked at me.
"What were you doing in the Vulpitanians' quarters and why were you absconding with a Scuti in a jar?" he asked, wearily.
"I was defending the interests of the Empire," I insisted, ignoring Thomson's warning glare.  "This arrest, this entire proceeding, is preposterous!  You don't trust the Vulpitanians either; I thought we were together on this!"
"We were," the Marshal sighed.  "But you overstepped your bounds and got caught.  The Vulpitanian thaumaturgists are working both for and against the Empire.  I am in a delicate situation here, and I must uphold the Law at all costs.  The Scuti creatures' disturbing claims of Royal descent pose a threat to the very foundation of our society, which cannot go unchallenged."
"You know about that?" I asked, perplexed.
"I'm sorry, Your Highness," Avogadro sighed.  "It was too much to take.  I felt it my duty to inform the Marshal."
"Time now to return to your cell," Theronmyathus croaked as he stood up.  "With luck we can move you to more suitable accommodations before the day gets much older."
0128sadoris
I was escorted back into the detention area and locked (along with Ms. Thomson) in the cell across from where I had been earlier.  I offered Thomson the bench, but she chose to sit on the floor instead.
"This really shucks," Doris groaned dolefully from the bench in the opposite cell, where I had sat before my interrogation.  "The Marshal shure's a meanie.  Talk about punishment.  Firsht I gotta take a lotta guff from some creepo rat, an' now I gotta shee my Cute Prince make out right in fronna me, with not-me.  Well GO AHEAD, you two.  Twisht th' knife!"
"What happened to the rat who was here?" I asked.
"Oh they came 'n got him a few minitsh ago," the doe slurred.  "Shed shumthin 'bout parolin him if he'd help em question a shcooter .. er a shquirty, shomethin' like that, I dunno.  I'm shleepy."
*****************************

Time passed.
Despite claiming to be sleepy, Doris kept trying to involve us in her drunken amusements.
"I shpy with my little eye, shomething made of shtone," she burbled.
"This holding area dates back to the reign of Yngvar," Ms. Thomson remarked enthusiastically.  "It is some of the finest dungeon masonry in the Shining Land.  The stones fit together so precisely, one cannot slip so much as a whisker between them."
I looked around the cell.  Aside from the water jug and chamberpot, there wasn't much to look at.  I tapped the walls with my Hand wand, but the stonework seemed solid.  On the underside of the bench was an assortment of mostly-illegible grafitti, presumably scratched into the wood by the claws of previous inmates.  The freshest-looking inscription said "RATSO WAS HEAR."
"Truth or dare," Doris called.
"I've never understood the point of that game, since elves do not lie," Ms. Thomson replied.
"Dare, then," Doris insisted.  "Aren't you guysh gonna make out?  Come on.  I dare ya."
"I am technically a Floozy," Thomson pointed out.  "Fully qualified for all varieties of venery."
"Totally not in the mood," I sighed.
"I begin to wonder if you truly are a descendant of Sartorius," she muttered suspiciously.
0204jaildoe
Suddenly Doris leaped up and started banging her water cup violently against the bars.
"GUARDSH!!  GUARDSH!!!" she yelled.
"Yes, yes, what is it?" the jailer grumbled irritably as he strode up the aisle.
"How mush longer are we gonna have to shtay in here?" the doe asked mournfully.  "Thoshe two are borin' the crap outta me, an' I don't know how mush longer I can shtand it!"
"Lady, you are drunk," the jailer observed, with scorn.
"Yesh I am," Doris wailed, sitting down heavily on her bench.  "Not bein' able to hold yer liquor ish an asshet in the Floozhy bizhnessh."
The jailer turned away, shaking his head in disgust as Doris began to sob quietly to herself.
"Hey, is there any chance I could get the latest issue of [i]Jane, the Lowfolk Femme[/i]?" I asked him.  "Anything to pass the time."
"Sure," the jailer replied with a grin.  "Next courier that goes out, I'll tell him to pick one up."
0204grumpy
"Why would you waste your energy reading that tawdry rubbish when you have a real live Legal Floozy right here?" Thomson demanded irritably.  "If you wanted, I could make you forget about everything else for the rest of the afternoon."
"I'm not as into hooves as my brother is," I explained.  "And the setting isn't conducive to venery."
"Any place is conducive," she muttered.  "You just have to use your imagination."
"I need to devote my imagination to coming up with a way out of here," I exclaimed.  "There's too much at stake for me to spend the entire day sitting around.  I need to know what's going on!  I need to be out there, helping!"
I transmogrified into an Ixie.
0204warning_zpstiz8arn9.gif[/img]
"Stop that right now," Ms. Thomson scolded.  "Didn't you hear me when I said that not even a whisker could slip out of here?  And don't try doing a Pooka Vanish, if you even know how.  Escaping now would only hurt your case.  The Sisterhood has invested a lot in you, and you owe us.  Why, your very existence is due to our intervention.  So turn back into yourself and trust me to guide you safely through these legal procedures."
"It would help if I knew what the Sisterhood's long-term goal was," I grumbled, transmogrifying back into my normal form.
"I was under the impression that you had been told," Thomson said, surprised.  "You are to take the throne, eventually, and instate proper Elfly policies once again."
"I should have chosen the 'Wolf Queen' to Floozy for me," I sulked.  "She would have been more fun."
"I repeat, I am highly skilled in Sisterhood venery techniques."
"Give it a rest," I sighed.  "The situation is bad enough already.  I'm not going to let you use your Wiles on me."
Our conversation was interrupted by the sound of the jailer's footfalls in the corridor.
"Here's your [i]Jane,[/i]" he announced with a grin, passing a tightly-rolled scroll through the bars.  "Enjoy."
0204wrongscroll
I broke the seal and unrolled the scroll.
"Whoah, this isn't [i]Jane, the Lowfolk Femme,[/i]" I observed.  "This looks like a transcript of an interrogation."
"What an improbable stroke of luck!" Thomson exclaimed.  "Let me have a look at that."
The document recorded the conversation between three persons:  T and A, which were most likely Theronmyathus and Avogadro, and an unknown entity identified as S.
T:  Did you see Prince Adler enter the Vulpitanian thaumaturgists' laboratory?
S:  Yes.
T:  And what did he do there?
A:  Did he have a beautiful white vixen with him?
S:  No vixen.  He was alone.
A:  Did he show any signs or did he boast of using his sick Irenaeid Mojo to seduce a beautiful white-furred vixen and corrupt her to do his sinister bidding?
S:  Uh..
T:  We'll need to strike that question from the record.  Please stay on topic.  What did the Prince do in the lab?
S:  He swapped around the contents of a bunch of containers.  He stared out the window.  Then he went into the other room and spoke to the SALVs.
T:  They were conscious?
S:  No, asleep.  He looked into the bowl, I think it was a scrying bowl set up between the Vulpitanians.
T:  Did he set up the scrying bowl?
S:  No, a weird fox came in earlier and did that.
A:  A beautiful white vixen?
S:  No, a gray tod in old-fashioned clothes.
T:  Did this tod knock out the SALVs?
S:  No, they went to sleep before that.   After they ate dinner, they danced around for a while and then passed out on the floor.  I thought it was a bit strange, even for Vulpitanians.
T:  Sergeant, you stated that the Prince had you slip something into the SALVs' meals before they left the kitchen?
A:  That's right.
T:  What did His Highness do after speaking to the unconsious Vulpitanians?
S:  He came back in and broke a piece of crockery.  He picked around among the shards, then an Ixie showed up and he talked to her for a few seconds.
T:  What did they say?
A:  Did they mention a beautiful white-furred vixen?
S:  I couldn't hear them.
T:  Did the Prince take anything from the pottery shards?
S:  I'm not sure.
T:  What happened next?
S:  He picked me up and left the apartment.  The rest I think you know.
"Interesting," Ms. Thomson mused.  "It could be to our advantage, knowing of this evidence without them knowing we know.  May I keep it in my briefcase?"
"Sure," I said, handing her the scroll.  "Avogadro seems obsessed with that white vixen.  I was SALV Relda Fauxfox, of course, and I was in the Vulpitanian Embassy last night.  Maybe if I transmogrify into her again, I could influence the Sergeant .."
"Unwise," Thomson snapped.  "Please, let the Sisterhood handle this by conventional means."
************************

"Now then," Ms. Thomson continued.  "It would be useful to try and identify who 'S' is in the transcript.  Could it stand for 'Shrub' perhaps?  You did have a plant in the Vulpitanians' quarters, did you not?"
"First, how did you know that, and second, the SALVs managed to remove the plant long before I ever got there," I replied.  "And your supposition makes no sense on another point.  The fact that 'S' said I picked him .. or her? .. up as I left the apartment can only mean one thing.  It's the Scuti that was in a jar in the lab."
"How then were the Marshal and his aide able to question it, since those creatures have no Elfmind?"
"I don't know for sure," I theorized, "but before I was taken back there to be searched, as you'll recall, there was another prisoner in this cell."
"Of course!" Thomson exclaimed.  "The skeevy rat!  And the Marshal can justify attaching a Scuti to him by citing the Unseelie Rehabilitation Act."
"Which was a Vulpitanian idea, wasn't it?" I asked.
"Indeed it was."
"Those foxes are at the back of all this," I muttered darkly.
"We want them to believe that they are," Thomson replied.
"YOUR HIGHNESS!" the jailer called from down the aisle.  "You have a visitor!"
"Ugh," Doris groaned.  "Yelling like that constitutes Cruel and Un-Elfly Punishment.  Have you got any booze?"
"Even if I did, I wouldn't give any of it to you."
"Aw, come on," Doris pouted, twining her arms around the bars of her cell.  "I'll be extra nice to you."
"Stow it," the jailer grunted.  "I'm on duty.  And stand back from the bars, there.  Visitor for His Highness coming through."
0211visitor
"Hello, Adler," Dame Chitterleigh said, peering in at me.  She glanced sideways at Ms. Thomson and sniffed.  "I thought Meadow would be here with you."
"She was called away at the last minute," I explained.  "Actually I thought it was probably some emergency involving you.  Has anything happened?"
"No, I'm fine.  I haven't seen her.  How are you holding up?"
"Okay for now," I sighed.  "I get the impression that I'm just waiting for something to happen.  I'm not even sure what I'm charged with.  Have you heard anything?"
"Nothing specific, but it sounds bad," the squirrel explained.  "I know what it's like to be falsely accused of treason, and you came to my aid back then .. so I thought I'd let you know that you  have my support."
"Thanks.  It's nice to know I have some friends."
"Is there anything I can do for you?" she asked.
"Can't think of anything right now.  But thanks for dropping by."
"I'm sure it will all blow over," Eudora optimistically opined.  "Just hang in there."
Would it all blow over?  I wondered, as Dame Chitterleigh left the Detention Area.  I needed more information about my predicament, so that I could prepare and respond appropriately.  And I knew just who would have the most detailed and up-to-the-minute intelligence.
"[i]Ixies of the Ominous Orse![/i]" I called via Elfmind.
0211confab
Three Ixies suddenly pooked into the cell.
"We were in the area, Highness, and heard thy call," one of them explained.
"You can summon those creatures at will?" Thomson asked incredulously.  "What's your connection with them?"
"[i]Do not tell them of our relationship, Sire,[/i]" an Ixie whispered in my Elfmind.  "[i]That is one thing the Sisterhood does not know about us.[/i]"
"I, er, got acquainted with them during my great-uncle Roland's tenure as Grand Marshal," I explained.
"It was Rolly's biggest mistake, relying on Ixies.  They cannot be entirely trusted."
"I'm aware of their shortcomings," I sniffed.  "Now then, what can you three tell me about the state of my case?"
"The Ministry is preparing to conduct thy trial as soon as possible.  Queen Edessa and the Marshal's staff are co-ordinating the Prosecution.  Nothing can happen until the King arises; he remains yet sequestered in the Royal Bedchamber.  With luck he will summarily dismiss the charges against thee after they are presented.  If he recommends a trial, then legal proceedings shall proceed.  Meanwhile carpenters are refurbishing the gallows in the market plaza, and the Chief Headsman is cleaning & polishing his axe."
0211dismay
"Gallows?" I squeaked.  "AXE??  I don't like the sound of that!  What exactly are the charges against me?"
"That has not been declared," the Ixie replied.
"And it won't be until the case is officially laid before the King," Thomson added.  "But you have no reason to fret.  The penalty of death is normally only applied in cases of murder or treason.  Because you are Royalty, you're very unlikely to be put to death; and even if you were, you wouldn't be hanged or beheaded with an axe.  Persons of quality are beheaded with a sword.  Your case just happens to coincide with the routine maintenance of our official tools of execution, as mandated in Imperial Edict 46-A section 35 paragraph seven."
"That's all according to the law," I stammered nervously.  "But the Irenaeid dynasty has a long tradition of assassinating royal siblings when they pose a threat, real or imagined, to the security of the one on the throne.  Which is exactly the situation the Sisterhood's plot has placed me in."
"Dynastic assassination hasn't happened in a long time," Thomson stated reassuringly.  "Royal heirs are not as plentiful as they were in Yngvar's day.  The Empire cannot afford to waste them."
"Still, I'm uneasy," I reiterated.  "I'd much rather be taking action than sitting here, waiting for the legal system to run its course!  Maybe I could flee to Vulpitania..."
"That's a horrible idea," Thomson scoffed.  "You'd be walking right into a trap."
0211keys
"Yoo-hoo, Your Cute Highness," Doris called from the opposite cell.  She held up a key-ring and dangled it enticingly.  "Look what I liberated from that dumb jailer's pocket while he wasn't paying attention!  You can have it if you want it ... but it's gonna cost you!"
*************************************

0220scitworde
Suddenly the key ring slipped out of Doris's hoof, and she let out an alarmingly loud curse.
"HEY!" the jailer called.  "Watch your language!  I'll not have such filthy talk in my jail!"
"Why am I such a klutz?" Doris sobbed, as she knelt and tried to reach the keys, which were perched precariously close to the edge of a drain in the floor.  "I was this close to rescuing Cute Prince Adler and marrying him, but it's not gonna happen now!"
"I don't think I could have married a Floozy in any case," I pointed out helpfully.
"I'd settle for a scandalous affair," Doris grunted as she strained toward the keys.
"Escape would be futile," I continued.  "If I wanted to get out of here, I'd have used magick and already been gone long before now.  But doing so would only incriminate me, and I'd be a fugitive."
"I'd fugit with you," the doe insisted.  "Life on the run!  Stolen moments of passion amidst constant danger from every side!  It would be so romantic!"
"Oh hey, you found my keys," the jailer exclaimed with delight.  Doris howled with dismay as the pig stooped and picked up the keys.  "I would have been in some serious trouble if I'd lost these."
"Well, Your Highness," the jailer continued, unlocking my cell door.  "It seems the King has emerged from his bedchamber and has declared that your trial is to commence.  
"When?" I asked.
"Immediately."
"But, but, I've had no time to prepare my defense."
"Too bad," the jailer shrugged.  "The constables are already here to escort you to the Chamber of Severity."
"The Chamber of Severity?" I exclaimed nervously.
"Don't let it worry you," Ms. Thomson muttered blandly.  "That has to be the venue, because the Chamber of Mercy is being re-painted this week."
A pair of constables came in and led me down the hall, down some stairs and through a series of twisting corridors in the Underworks.  A few minutes later we emerged into the Chamber of Severity.  Ms. Thomson and I took our places at the Defense table.  Marshal Theronmyathus, Sergeant Avogadro, and the Prosecuting Floozy were already standing at the Prosecution table.
0220prosecutor
"Oh, for Fuma's sake," Thomson grumbled, as the other Floozy grimaced and stuck out her tongue at us.  "It's my arch-rival from Legal Floozy Academy.  I was my class valedictorian, and Miss Thompson was maledictorian.  She has always borne a personal grudge against me for taking away the top spot.  She knows my one weakness, and has trained rigorously to exploit it.  If this trial requires any Pole-Dancing then we might actually be in some trouble."
"ALL RISE!" somebody bellowed from the front of the room.  "HIS HONORABLE MAJESTY, JUDGE-EMPEROR ESTMERE GAWAINSSON PRESIDING!!"
There was a muted hubbub of rustling as the courtroom spectators all stood up and looked expectantly toward the judge's bench.  I was momentarily confused to hear a series of muffled "GRONNK"s, but then Estmere stepped out of a doorway and stood there, surveying the crowd.
0220judge
He looked magnificent in his official Magistrate's Wig and Judicial Bathrobe, complete with GRONNKing ant slippers.  He ascended the steps to the judge's bench and sat down, then casually waved his scepter and said, "Be, like, seated, dudes."
He consulted a sheet of paper for a few seconds, then looked at Miss Thompson.  "Prosecuting Floozie, would you like, totally start these proceedings by reading the charges?"
0220charges
"Okay," Miss Thompson chirped brightly.  With quite a bit more bending and wiggling than was necessary, she extracted a scroll from her briefcase and unrolled it.  Gasping and fluttering her eyelashes, she read in a sing-song voice:
[i]"Prince Adler Young just might be Unseelie!
You think that's a gag but it's serious, really!
When you hear what he's charged with, you might throw a fit!
I'll list off his misdeeds as follows, to wit:
Conspiring to wipe out an heir of the King!
Why in the world would he do such a thing?
Conspiring with baddies on Saint Reynard's Day
To torch the Vulps' Embassy and then run away.
Poor Marshal Sweetcheeks was kicked in the head
And then was blown up (and for all we know, dead.)
To help him accomplish the tasks dark and grim,
Adler had an accomplice:  A beautiful femme,
A Lengra-Cha vixen; but here's what's so chillin':
She's vanished completely!  Where is she, you villain?
To top it all off (he don't do things by halves),
He stole from the lab of the visiting SALVs."[/i]
"Dude," Estmere exclaimed, looking at me after the charges had been read.  "Some of that doggerel is a little vague, and I'm not sure exactly what it means, but seriously Bro?  This sounds like some pretty heinous stuff.  How do you plead?"
"[i]I'm screwed,[/i]" I thought to Ms. Thomson.  "[i]Most of that, except for conspiring to blow up the Embassy, is halfway true.[/i]"
"[i]Don't say anything you don't absolutely have to,[/i]" Thomson thought back.  Then she declared, aloud:  "My client pleads Not Entirely Guilty, Your Majesty."
**********************************

"Not Entirely Guilty?" Estmere asked incredulously.  "Dude, like he either did or he didn't.  That plea is vague and evasive."

0226argument

"Your Highness, the charges are vague and evasive," Ms. Thomson scoffed.  "If the Prosecution would care to re-state them in non-rhyming form, then perhaps other arguments could be applied, but Elves Do Not Lie, and as the charges are presently laid out, all that I can say with certainty is that my client is Not Entirely Guilty."

I glanced nervously at Thomson, but kept quiet, as she had advised.

"Taking the charges in order, as I understand them," she continued.  "Firstly, one cannot 'wipe out' what does not exist, so unless the Prosecution can prove that the Vulpitanians had in fact produced an Heir (which they have not), my client is Not Guilty of that charge.  Secondly, my client had no foreknowledge nor intention that the Vulpitanian Embassy would blow up, and therefore is Not Guilty of 'conspiring with baddies' to accomplish that act of destruction."

0226harumph

"Okay, Bro," Estmere declared.  "You're totally Not Entirely Guilty, and I like, sentence you to exile at the beach below Mount Kodak until further notice, because dude, you look totally stressed and you need to chill for a while."

"Husband dear," Queen Edessa whispered.  "The trial must proceed.  There are unresolved charges, and the Prince may be more at fault than he is aware of.  Evidence must be heard, to prove the truth to the satisfaction of all those assembled here today."

"Her Majesty the Queen is correct, Sire," Minister Lynne reluctantly agreed.

"Bummer," Estmere grumbled.  "I get to call a recess for lunch, right?  Okay, well then, Prosecuting Floozy, you may proceed."

0226objection

"A wise move, Your Highness, which you won't regret," Miss Thomson cooed, as she approached the bench.  "Some of these charges will stick, you can bet.  We'll start with the second one, quite convoluted, which my opponent hasn't fully refuted.  The Defendant's intent may still be unresolved, but the evidence shows he was clearly involved!  If I may run the risk of presuming to bore you, I'd like to lay out all the proof here before you."

"Exquisite!" a voice called from the Spectators' Gallery.  It sounded very much like Sir Ravenmad.

"Order!" Estmere called sternly.  "Nobody in the Gallery is like, allowed to talk.  That's totally a rule, dude, even I know that one.  Now then," he continued, smiling coolly at Miss Thompson.  "You may like, present your case.  You've got my full attention, babe."

"Thank you, Your Highness.  You're regal and grand.  Sergeant Avogadro I call to the stand!"

0226itson

As Avogadro nervously bumbled his way to the witness stand, Ms. Thomson glowered at her opponent.

"So that's how it is to be, then," she grumbled menacingly as she undid the top button of her jacket.  "So be it.  May the best Floozy win."
***************************************

"Forgive this reminder of what we Elves do," Miss Thompson said gently to the obviously nervous Sergeant.  "But especially here you must speak what is true.  Relate to the court what you heard at the time that you spent with Prince Adler on the day of the crime."

0305avotestimony

"Well, uh," Avogadro stammered.  "Alice Chetsweeks told us all about the Vulpitanian plot -"

"And the stuff that she told you all adds up to what?" Miss Thompson interrupted.

"I, er, can't repeat it in open court, for security reasons," Avogadro evaded.  "Rest assured that it was quite dastardly.  However, I can't be sure how much of it was true, because SALV Chetsweeks is a Scuti."

"Relate what you can, in accord with your duty," Miss Thompson urged.

"Well, after hearing - and apparently believing - the Scuti's wild tale, Prince Adler stated that he needed to do two things:  Infiltrate the Vulpitanian Embassy in order to steal a spare part needed for the repair of Miss Chetsweeks' automatonic body, and also sabotage the thaumaturgist's lab, to prevent them from carrying out their task."

"And what did you do then, may I ask?"

"Well, what the Prince was proposing seemed .. if not outright treasonous, then at the very least it would provoke a diplomatic incident.  I could not be involved!  I had to leave."

"Did the Prince have accomplices, do you believe?"

"Objection," Ms. Thomson muttered.  "The witness' conjecture is not evidence."

"Huh?"  Estmere mumbled, raising his head from the bar where he had been slouching lower and lower during the questioning.  "What?  Am I supposed to say something now?"

Queen Edessa leaned over and whispered in his ear.

"I can do that?" he asked, in a loud stage whisper, looking over at Minister Lynne, who soberly nodded her head.  Estmere sat up straight and waved his scepter majestically as he declared:  "Overruled.  I want to hear this."

"Well," Avogadro continued nervously.  "Earlier in the day I walked into the Prince's office to find the Vulpitanian Ambassador, SALV Chesswick, swooning in his arms.  And then later, when I was in the Marshal's office telling him about all of this, a beautiful white vixen walked past, on her way out of the building.  She was a radiant white-furred vision of loveliness, a veritable Pie-Fight Valkyrie from the far frozen North.  The way she walked -"

"SUSTAINED," Estmere blurted.  "Or whatever I say to get you to stuff it, dude.  Vixens are totally boring."

There was an indignant exclamation and some scuffling in the gallery.

"ORDER!" Estmere bellowed.  "No gekkering in court.  Don't make me have you ejected."

"Your Honor, you've heard what this mole has to tell," Miss Thompson addressed the bench.  "I'd like to present you these items as well.  They point to a fact that is not at all pleasant:  A suspicious white vixen may in fact have been present.  Taken together these things tell a story.  They were found in Prince Adler's own Elfintory."

She handed up the manacle/monocle, the padlock medal, the Embassy pass for a "Lengra-Cha Floozy", and one of the Vulpitanian wanted posters describing SALV Fauxfox.

"You'll note that the items all match the description of the vixen who may have caused last night's conniption."

"This does look kinda suspicious, dude," Estmere muttered to me as he looked over the evidence.  After handing it back to Miss Thompson, he turned to Ms. Thomson and asked, "Do you want to cross-examine this witness?"

0305knuckles

"No questions at this time, Your Majesty," Thomson stated coolly, as she perched on the edge of the Defense table and casually examined what looked like a set of brass knuckles.

"Sure an' this is a travesty!" someone in the gallery exclaimed.  "Justice demands Trial By Floozy!  Begorrah, that's what we came to see, and not this at all, at all!"

"ORDER!"  Estmere yelled over the chorus of harumphs from the gallery.  "What exactly is Trial By Floozy?" he asked Minister Lynne.  "It sounds kinda interesting."

The Minister shook her head sternly and gestured toward the Prosecutor.

"Okay, okay," Estmere shrugged.  "Go ahead and like, call your next witness then."

"Alberta Chesswick I call to the stand; the Vulpitanian Ambassador!  Let's give her a hand!"

0305albertatest

After the applause died down, Miss Thompson leaned close to SALV Chesswick and said:  "Let this not be construed as an insult or slur, but what in the world have you done to your fur?"

"I had ein slight accident mit ein Saint Reynard's Day prank," the Ambassador explained.  "Der guilty parties haff not been apprehended, but zey vill pay."

"I hope you'll forgive me but I must be nosy.  You were seen with Prince Adler, getting quite cozy.  Forgive me again; it's my duty to pry:  What were you doing alone with that guy?"

"I vas not alone mit him," SALV Chesswick corrected.  "Zere vas ein possum femme passed out on der floor, und zat mole Sergeant barged in right after der Prince put his vhammy on me."

"A whammy, you say?  Well, a part of me squirms, but I must ask you:  Describe it in general terms."

"It vas absolutely exqvisite," the Ambassador explained with a little shiver.  "Der Prince hass der Magick Fingers.  I vould like to remindt der court zat if he is found guilty of plottink against der Republic, zen he is liable to extradition to Vulpitania.  But anyvay, his vhammy .. vhat can I say?  To be underschtood, it really must be tried."

"So you came just to have that whammy applied?"

"Nein, I came initially to reqvisition der return of SALV Chetsweeks' automatonic body, vhich had gone AVOL."

"So far your account has been thorough and fair.  Did you see Relda Fauxfox while you were there?"

"Nein, she emerged from der GHQ soon after I had left.  I met her in der schtreet, und she had ein schkunky schmell about her, indicating recent intimate contact mit der Prince."

"ORDER!" Estmere shouted as Avogadro erupted into a spluttering fit of coughing and flailing his arms.  After Miss Thompson sashayed back to the Prosecution table and sat down, he turned to Ms. Thomson and said, "Your witness then, I guess."

"Could you have left the items presented as evidence in Prince Adler's office when you were there?"  Ms. Thomson asked, without getting up from her seat.

"Not der poster," SALV Chesswick answered.  "Zey had not been made yet."

"But the other items you could have planted on him?  You were close enough to have put them in his Elfintory, were you not?"

"Ja, I vas, but -"

"No further questions."

"Dude, that's a pretty weak defense," Estmere complained.  "That's my bro you're defending.  You think maybe you could take your job a little more seriously?  Anyway I think it's like, your turn to call a witness or something.  Isn't it?"  He looked to Minister Lynne for some sort of confirmation.

0305message

Ms. Thompson paused for a moment, as Secretary O'Doe scurried into the courtroom and whispered something in her ear.

"Your Majesty, I may have questions for these witnesses later, but first I would like to call a Surprise Witness who may be able to shed a wholly new light on the testimony we have hard thus far.  I call SALV Esmerelda F. Fofox to the stand!"

A white-furred vixen stood up in the back of the room and walked, amid gasps and whispers, up the aisle to take her seat in the witness box.

0305fofox

"You are SALV Fofox from Lengra-Cha?"  Ms. Thomson asked.

"Oh yeah, like, fer sure," the vixen replied.

"Have you ever met or conspired with Prince Adler Young?"

"I dunno, like, who's that?"

"He's sitting right over there," Thomson explained, pointing at me.

"Oh, like no way.  I've never seen him before.  He's totes cute though, fer sure.  HIIII!" Fofox bubbled happily, waving her hand at me.
*****************************************

0312molamor

Suddenly Avogadro leaped to his feet and intoned as if in a trance:
"Th- They haunt my dreams:  Your luscious lips,
Your swaying tail, your rockin' hips ..."

"ORDER!" Estmere declared sternly.  "There's no quoting the [i]Sartorian Verses[/i] in court.  That's a rule, right?  Isn't it?"

0312teehee

"Oh that's okay, Your Honorableness," Fofox giggled.  "I get that kind of thing all the time.  It's actually kinda sweet.  Thanks but, like, sorry, mole guy.  You're totally not my type.  You should maybe shoot for somebody a little more pudgy?"

"Indeed," Ms. Thomson muttered loudly over Avogadro's wail of despair.  "Tell the court a bit more about yourself.  Your name is Esmerelda, is it not?"

"Oh yeah, like, fer sure."

"Do people often call you Relda?"

"Oh, no way.  I usually go by my middle name, Fifi.  Fifi Fofox.  Sorta rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?  But anyway, like, I enjoy long moonlit walks on the beach, romantic melodramas, and cuddling in front of the fireplace.  I got a B-level in Wiles, which is totally not bad.  I am from Lengra-Cha but I don't like, live there, DUH.  And my dream guy dresses in a green satin suit, has white fur and long elfin locks, and has a look of consternation on his adorable face."

"You schtay avay from der Prince!" a voice called from the Gallery.  "I haff already called dibs on him, hussy!"

"ORDER," Estmere growled.  "I am totally not kidding around, people."

"Ahem.  SALV Fofox," Ms. Thomson continued.  "Are you sure you have never met Prince Adler before today?"

"Nope.  I wish I had, but nope."

"I'd like to point out to the court that elves do not lie.  Since my client and this Lengra-Cha vixen have never met, he could not possibly have conspired with her.  Thank you, SALV Fofox, that is all."

"M'kay," Fifi chirped as she exited the witness box, then turned to delicately close the gate behind her.

"WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S NOT HER!" Avogadro exclaimed angrily.  "WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE?"

"I vas beginnink to zuspect as much, myzelf!" someone yelled from the gallery.

0312order

"ORDER!!" Estmere bellowed.  "ORDER, you jerks!  The only people allowed to interrupt are the Floozies.  I don't want to hear another emotional outburst from anyone, and I absolutely, totally, emphatically DO NOT want to see another vixen on this witness stand!  Do I make myself clear?  I swear, I am like THIS CLOSE to throwing out this whole freakin' case."

0312goingwell

"Cheer up, Your Highness.  Things are going exceptionally well," Thomson whispered to me as she sat down and began twirling a strange leather doodad around one of her hooves.

0312entreaty

"I beg you, Your Honor, have pity on me," Miss Thompson wheedled, as she struck a dramatic pose in front of the bench.  "This case will work out, just wait and you'll see.  Justice requires it!  I beg and beseech!  To cut this trial short 'twere a serious breach!  Prince Adler is guilty, I'd bet my left hoof, but it will take time to bring out the proof.  For now you are tired of vixens and moles, but later I'll poke the Defence full of holes.  To do that, I'll need Fifi Fofox to stay, so let her remain; don't send her away.  For the moment, this matter I'm setting aside, but it's not just for this that Prince Adler is tried!  For his other misdeeds you need not take my word, but the visiting SALVs' - it's high time they were heard."
****************************************

"What did I just say about no more vixens?" Estmere growled warningly.

"Beg pardon, Your Honor.  Please let me be clear:  SALV Nidab only, I call to appear."

Rotnev Nidab extricated himself from the gallery and sauntered calmly to the witness stand.

0318strategy

"Oh stop moping," Ms. Thomson scolded me as she paused in sorting a small pile of melee weapons which she had pulled from her elfintory and spread across the table.  "We've got this case practically wrapped up.  The SALV was unconscious during your alleged intrusion and cannot testify to anything that happened.  They have no evidence.  If you want to be proactive, however, you should try sitting up straight and not looking so desperatey guilty.  Unbutton some of your jacket buttons and see if you can distract the Prosecutor into doing an even worse job than she's already doing."

I shook my head and groaned behind my hands.

0318rotnev

"You are SALV Rotnev Nidab?" Miss Thompson asked.

"I am, yes, that's right," Rotnev replied.

"Relate to the court just what happened last night," Thompson prompted.

"My partner and I had successfully reached a crucial point in our experiments," the SALV began.

"And what does that mean?" Thompson interrupted.  "Can you give us some hints?"

"I'm sorry, but the nature of our work is confidential.  I cannot discuss the details in open court.  We were - and are - carrying out our commission as given to us by the High King and his Ministers.  As I said, we had made a significant breakthrough, after which we decided to take a break for dinner.  We enjoyed a delicious meal delivered from the palace kitchens, after which we celebrated by dancing, or as we call it in Vulpitania, cutting a rug."

"Did you suspect that the dinner was laced with a drug?"

"Not at all.  The hour was late and we were giddy with excitement.  After dancing ourselves to exhaustion, Nexivydah and I collapsed on the floor and fell asleep."

"There's a big, shocking fact that I now must reveal:  Prince Adler had somebody mess with your meal."

"OBJECTION!" Ms. Thomson blurted.  "We have not yet seen any evidence that my client tampered with the SALVs' dinner.  Does the Prosecutor have any proof to back up this wild accusation?"

"Avogadro can prove it without hesitation," Thompson replied.  "He was conned by the Prince, for his fiendish devices, to sprinkle their food with mysterious spices."

"Until we hear actual evidence to that effect from Sergeant Avogadro himself, counsel for the Prosecution is merely indulging in baseless conjecture."

"Uhhh, sustained, I guess," Estmere mumbled.  "Stick to what the witness actually knows."

"Understood, Your Honor, " Thompson acknowledged.  "Okay then.  Here goes ..."

0318heythere

While this exchange was going on, Fifi Fofox leaned over the gallery rail behind me and hissed to get my attention.

"PSST, Prince defendant guy," she whispered.  "You're cute.  You like, totally remind me of somebody I know from Lengra-Cha, but I can't think of who it is.  You wanna get together after the trial?"

"Ummm," I responded, uncertainly.  "I'm not sure I will be free -"

"Sweet," she grinned.  "I'll see you then.  Here's my number."

She handed me a card with a large "8" written on it, and leaned back into the gallery.

Meanwhile Rotnev was continuing his testimony:  "As I said, the meal was delicious and, to me, seemed all right."

"Tell us what else you recall from last night," Thompson urged.

"Nothing.  Nexy and I slept soundly until we were awakened by the City Watch barging in.  We had our hands in a bowl of water - heh heh - a classic Vulpitanian prank."

"For that, whom do you think you can thank?"

"OBJECTION," Ms. Thomson exclaimed.  "Speculation.  AGAIN."

"Whatever, just get on with it," Estmere grumped, with an impatient wave of his scepter.

"I'm not sure who it could have been," Rotnev admitted.  "Apparently Prince Adler had been in our rooms while we were asleep, but would he be that familiar with Vulpitanian traditions?  Maybe ... after all, he is an excellent Frontgammon player."

"Was anything missing, that you are aware?"

"Of the material pertaining to our commissioned work, much of it has been mixed up and put into disarray, but nothing important or necessary is missing, so far."

"What of the Scuti you kept in a jar?"

"What now?" Rotnev asked, seemingly taken aback for a moment.  "Oh, that thing.  Just a, um .. call it a curiosity, I suppose.  Its loss does our experiment absolutely no harm."

"The Prince was caught leaving with it under his arm," Thompson pointed out.

"OBJECTION," Ms. Thomson interrupted.  "Where is any of this going?  The witness was unconscious and did not see what my client did or did not do in his quarters.  He has testified that no actual harm was done to his experiments, so .. I am somewhat confused as to what exactly is the case against Prince Adler."

"Dude, so am I," Estmere admitted glumly.  "Like, I know he's awesome with herbs and spices, so the delicious meal totally makes sense.  But like, what was my Bro doing sneaking around in the SALVs' apartment while they were asleep?  Why mess up their lab?  Why take the Scuti?  Oh, hey, wait a sec .. the Scuti would have seen what happened, right?  They're supposed to be, like, intelligent, right?  Why not hook it up to a hot Floozy volunteer and let it testify?  Why not?  Come on!"

"Unfortunately all of the Scutis have gone," Miss Thompson informed him.  "Alice and Mara and Ratso skipped town, but luckily the Marshal had this written down."

With a triumphant flourish, the Prosecutor snatched a scroll from the table and handed it to Estmere.

"What is this?" the King Judge asked.

"They questioned the Scuti, ere he took to his heels.  His testimony's there; just break open the seals."

0318whyjane

Estmere cracked the seals on the scroll and unrolled it.

"Huh," he said, after staring at the scroll for a few long seconds.  "I haven't read this one yet.  It's like, pretty cool that Jinx and Puckworthy transmogrify her into a doe in this episode, but now I'm even more confused than ever.  What does Jane, the Lowfolk Femme have to do with this case?  It's vixens, man.  More vixens!  They're all over this thing ..."

"Wait a second, Husband," Queen Edessa murmured worriedly.  "Let me see that.  I don't think it is the right scroll."

"Nope," Estmere declared irritably as he rolled up the scroll.  "Screw it.  I've had enough of this nonsense.  I can't make heads nor tails of what's going on, so I'm declaring Trial By Floozy."

A resounding cheer went up from the gallery as the Prosecuting and Defense Floozies both approached the bench.

0318floozvflooz

"So, how does this work?" Estmere asked, after the applause died down.

"Floozy versus Floozy in single competition, Your Honor," Minister Lynne explained reluctantly.  "Fuma will grant victory to the one whose cause is more just.  You may choose the nature of the contest."

"Sweet!" Estmere exclaimed.  "So, ladies, any preferences to suggest?"

"Pole dancing, Your Honor, would surely be best," Thompson said with a smile.

"Errr ... mud wrestling," Thomson countered nervously, fingering the buttons on her jacket.
**********************************

0324seconds

"Hudalaleigh!" the alleged Wolf Queen exclaimed from the gallery.  "Sure an' if it's mud wrestlin' I offer meself to act as second for one o' the combatants!  The Wolf Queen fights for justice!"

"I'll like, second for Prince Adler," SALV Fofox chimed in.  "And like, totally hold his clothes for him."

"The defendant is not a Floozy and will not be a combatant in this test," Minister Lynne pointed out.

I nervously fidgeted with my jacket buttons.  Hadn't Ms. Thomson said earlier that pole dancing was her weakness?  If Estmere picked that, I might be in serious trouble!  Perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to try to distract the opposing Floozy after all .. any advantage I could gain might make the difference!

"Please advise the Prince," Queen Edessa asked Estmere, loudly, "that he must not exert his supposed 'sick Irenaeid mojo' to affect the outcome of this contest."

"Keep your shirt on, Bro," Estmere said with a wink.

0324wooo

"It's not gonna be mud wrestling anyway, dudes and dudettes," Estmere guffawed.  "It's gonna be POLE DANCING all the way!  OOOH YEEEAAAAAH!!!  You two ladies strip down to your smallclothes, and somebody bring in great-grandpa Sartorius' Royal Dancing Pole!  WOOOOO!!"

The crowd in the gallery erupted into wild applause.  Ms. Thomson cast a nervous glance at me, and then at Minister Lynne, who shook her head sternly.

"Prosecution goes first," Estmere declared, as the pole was secured in place.

Someone in the gallery began strumming a lute, and someone else joined in on a shawm, and Miss Thompson leaped gracefully onto the pole and began twirling as if gravity had no effect on her.  Ms. Thomson shivered and looked suddenly ill.

0324eightcard

I couldn't watch this.  Desperate for something to divert my attention, I pulled SALV Fofox's card out of my Elfintory.  It was elegantly illuminated, but bore no information beyond the number 8 written boldly in the center.  I stared at it intently but could not puzzle out its meaning.

0324youlike

"Wow," the vixen murmured behind me.  "There's these hot Floozies on the hoof, performing like, totally lascivious dances in front of you, but instead you're staring at my number.  Smitten much?"

"Uh, what?" I retorted suavely.

"Sssh, don't spoil the moment," she whispered back.

Miss Thompson spun slowly down the pole and alighted daintily on her hooves.  With a smirk at Ms. Thomson, she strutted back to her table and leaned against it.  "By my opponent I doubt I'll be bested," she called out smugly.  "Let the record state the Prosecution rested."

"Your turn then," Estmere said, gesturing at Thomson.

She approached the pole slowly, with a sad, lingering look at her collection of weapons on the table.  "Wrestling would have been better," she groaned.

0324polefail

The music started, and Thomson grabbed the pole.  She took a few running steps and attempted to launch herself into a spin, but somehow one of her horns got hooked on the pole.  It made a harsh scraping sound which drowned out the gallery's collective gasp of horror as she twirled around the pole a few times and then collapsed in a tangle on the floor.

"Well, that sucked," Estmere declared.  "Is the pole okay?  Sounds like she totally scratched the crap out of it."

0324deeath

"We have a clear victor!" Edessa declared loudly.  "Fuma has chosen, and justice is vindicated!  For his crimes, Adler Young deserves the penalty of DEATH!"

"Whoah," Estmere exclaimed, taken aback.  "Chill.  Seriously, Edessa, babe .. sometimes it's like I don't even know you."

"The trial shows him guilty of treasonous charges," Edessa insisted.

"No, the trial shows that his Floozy can't pole dance worth a damn," Estmere corrected.  "It doesn't prove anything else.  I chose Trial by Floozy because I was getting bored and wanted to wrap this up."

"And according to the rules of Trial by Floozy, Adler has been found guilty," the Queen hissed.

"Oh.  Bummer.  Sorry Bro, I guess I effed that one up," Estmere retorted gloomily.  "Wait a sec, isn't there some rule where, like, you can't sentence a royal dude to death?"

0324suggestion

"That is a rule except in cases of treason," Minister Lynne interjected.  "However, it has not been formally established that the charges against the defendant were treasonous in nature.  Even if they were, Your Majesty has the option of imposing prison time or exile instead of a capital sentence.  Once imposed, the death sentence obviously cannot be revoked.  In order to prevent a dreadful [i]Mistake[/i], Sire, it were best not to act rashly in this matter."

"See there?" Estmere quipped.  "That's why she's the Chief Minister.  Is there someplace my lil' Bro can go where he will be out of harm's way until like, the SALVs are done with their deal and all of this has blown over?"

"The Antglade Diplomatic Listening Post is, at present, unstaffed," the Minister replied.

"Nein!" a voice rang out from the gallery.  "Zis dastardly criminal must not be shunted off into zum remote sinecure!  Zis is tantamount to revardink him for his zinister actions against Vulpitanian national interests!  He must be extradited to Vulpitania to schtand trial!"

"Yeah right," Estmere scoffed.  "You must think I'm pretty dumb to fall for that one, but I know Vulpitania totally doesn't have its own judicial system.  Yeah, I studied Statecraft!  Eat it!!  Oh, and also, order."

"I have no objection to posting him on the Antglade border," Edessa mused.  "No, as far as I know, there's no problem with that.  The survival rate of border agents is very low."

"Whatevs," Estmere shrugged.  "Okay, Bro.  I don't know why you did the stuff and got yourself in trouble, but I'm thinkin' you look pretty stressed.  So I am sending you to chill for a while at the Antglade border thingy.  I think this means you'll be, like some kind of agent, so I will have to like revoke your appointment as Hand of the King.  Turn in your regalia to the bailiff on your way out.  Don't give me that look, dude, it's either this or dungeon time, and I don't think you want that.  Say hi to Duchess O'Daisies for me, she seemed really nice when we met - oh, and if you can get ahold of some Persoc-Itoome, send me a couple of bottles, all right?"

0324sentence

"He will need a Supervising Floozy to accompany him and make sure he stays on his best behavior," Minister Lynne declared.  "I recommend Ms. Thomson for this task."

"The one who failed to defend him?" Edessa exclaimed.  "You cannot be suggesting that we send this incompetent to watch over an elf who is patently a dangerous enemy of the Empire?"

"Babe, chill," Estmere chided.  "Thomson is a good Floozy.  Terrible dancer, sure, but aside from that, she's cool."

"I shall do my best to atone for my failure this day," Thomson sighed gloomily.

"Ooh, ooh," SALV Fofox interjected, waving her hand.  "Since there's like, SOO much Vulpitanian interest in the Prince, I mean like, his CASE - there's gotta be a SALV along as an, um adjunct?  Adjutant?  Adjective?  Something like that.  I volunteer to like, represent the Republic, or whatever."

"HUSSY!" a voice called from across the room.

"Sorry, SALV, I already totally called it," Fifi smirked.  "Snooze you lose."
*****************************************

As I made hurried preparations for a trip down the river to the Gladsome Antglade, I thought about the sequence of events that had led up to this point.

In my capacity as Right Hand of the King, I welcomed two Vulpitanian thaumaturgists to Albric Tor - supposedly so they could research Elfin fertility in an effort to enable the mismatched pair of King Estmere and Queen Edessa to produce an heir.  However, I subsequently learned that the contract (drafted by members of the Sisterhood in the King's Cabinet) actually instructed the SALVs to produce a [i]sire[/i] for the King.  My intelligence-gathering network (consisting mainly of Ixies and a potted plant) informed me that the SALVs were attempting to change history so that my half-brother Estmere (already part lowfolk due to his mother having gone through Evan Klive's dastardly Ferifax Arch before Estmere was ever born) would have never been an elf at all.  This would undermine, perhaps completely negate, the legitimacy of the Imperial throne and pave the way for ... I wasn't sure what, but Vulpitanian revolt seemed like a good possibility.

I had to stop this Unseelie plot!  Unfortunately, other forces arrayed themselves against me.  The Sisterhood, it seems, wanted the SALVs to succeed - since they have never considered Estmere to be a proper elf and favor me, a full-blooded descendant of Irenaeus, to occupy the throne instead.  The Vulpitanians have always had their own inscrutable Plans; they can never be trusted under any circumstances.  A pair of Scuti possessing the bodies of Alice Chetsweeks and Mara Supial attempted to capture me, but when that failed they decided to help me in my attempt to simultaneously thwart the Vulpitanians and the Sisterhood, and save my brother the King.  Alice told me a very upsetting tale of how the first Scuti had been born when the first High King, Irenaeus, had tried to preserve his severed tail with powerful magicks.  The Scuti bore royal blood!  (If the story was true..)

Meanwhile, Queen Edessa seemed to have perpetrated a bizarre phony assassination attempt against me, and then spearheaded the prosecution after I was caught sneaking out of the SALVs' laboratory.  The Vulpitanians had been asleep, thanks to my clever application of special herbs & spices to their meal.  While I was there, I jumbled up their chemicals and broke a clay tablet with the name of the Old Crow engraved on it.  In a scrying bowl which showed me the Vulpitanians' dreams, I saw Rotnev Nidab take a gem from inside the tablet and feed it to a Scuti.  I found that gem and stole it, along with a Scuti in a jar.

After I was arrested, but before I was interrogated, I managed to give the gem to one of my Ixie daughters.  I could only hope she took it somewhere safe.  Oddly, when questioned by the Prosecution during my trial, Rotnev stated that nothing important was missing from the lab.  The trial dragged on, without the Prosecutor making much headway in proving the nebulous semi-treasonous charges against me.  My Defense Floozy assured me things were going well for us, until Estmere got bored and declared Trial By Floozy.  My counsel lost the pole-dancing contest, which rendered a technical Guilty verdict.  The Queen wanted me executed, but Estmere declared I should be exiled to a diplomatic listening post on the edge of the Antglade.

"[i]So now here I am, cast out of the Capital in disgrace[/i]" I thought glumly as I surrendered my Hand regalia to the bailiff and accepted a bundle containing the uniform of an Antglade Border Agent.

The trip South was delayed by a full day due to Gaps which entirely cut off all routes from Albric Tor to Gladsome Antglade.  Queen Edessa absolutely refused to allow me and my small entourage to travel overland, whether by coach or foot or boat.  It would have required a sojourn through lowfolk country to bypass the Gaps, which - according to her - provided too ample an opportunity for me to escape.

She and Sir Ravenmad put their heads together and spent most of the evening in the Map Room, poring over old navigation codices and charting Gap distribution until they had calculated a route using ancient elvish Gates.  The next morning I was handed a scroll containing detailed directions.  The courier gave a copy to Ms. Thomson, along with a simple scrying device with which she was requred to check in at regular intervals.  If Thomson failed to scry at the appointed time, or if we deviated from the route, then troops would be sent after us, with instructions to kill.  We were also told that the route would only work in one direction.  To return to the Capital would require calculating another route, and none of my party knew enough about the old Gate network to do that.

After six Gate jumps we arrived on a low hilltop just upstream from the start of the Antglade.  We walked a mile or two along a jungly, half-overgrown path until we entered a clearing and beheld the Gladsome Antglade Diplomatic Listening Post.

0401shack

It was an extremely tiny one-and-a-half story building with a veranda running all the way around it, all of which was in much better condition than I expected - considering that it had been abandoned for years since the previous Border Agent disappeared.

0401trio

"Cute lil' place," SALV Fofox commented.  "It just needs like, a vixen's touch and it'll be totally perfect."

"It's so small," I murmured, staring at the building and absentmindedly fanning myself.  "There can't be but just one room inside.  Is the Agent supposed to work AND live there?"

Thomson merely stared in gloomy silence at the tiny shack.

"Let's go in and look around," Fifi suggested brightly.  "There's probably like, lots of cleaning up to do if it's been empty for so long."

"You're taking this remarkably well," I observed.

"Well, um, YEAH," she smirked.  "I like, volunteered, remember?  If I'm gonna be like, your duly appointed SALV then I'm totally gonna take my responsibilities like, all serious and stuff."

"What do your letter of rank stand for?" I asked curiously.

"Check it out!  I got promoted to Special Adjuvant Lamprophonous Vedette.  How cool is that?"

"Nice," I said, not having a clue what any of that meant.

"Now c'mon!  Let's check out the Post!  We gotta sweep and dust, and I've got like tons of motivational posters to put up."

We climbed the front steps and opened the door.

0401predecessor

The shack was, as I suspected, a single room.  One half ot it contained a small kitchen with a washbasin and a wood-burning stove.  The other half was almost filled by a bulky desk with a chair on either side of it.  A skeleton with a small axe embedded in its skull slumped in one of the chairs.

"That solves the mystery of what happened to the previous Agent," Ms. Thomson observed grimly.

"Does," I gulped.  "Does anybody else suspect .. foul play?"

"Nah, head-axings happen all the time," Fifi remarked dismissively.  "I'll get that pile of bones out of here when I clean.  OOH!"  She pointed excitedly upward, into the half-loft above, where a hammock was strung precariously between the roof beams.  "Just big enough for two!  Looks like that's where we'll be sleeping, Adler muh man."

"How dare you presume to share His Highness's hammock?" Ms. Thomson objected, brandishing her parasol for emphasis.  "That is MY responsibility."

"Nuh-uh," Fifi fired back.  "I've been deputed by the Republic of Vulpitania to monitor this Cute & Dangerous Offender, which means I totally gotta keep my eyes and whatever else I can on him at all times.  Which means especially at night, coz when it's dark it's like, prime sneakin-around time."

0401barge

Before this argument could develop further, we were interrupted by a shrill whistle and a hoarse voice calling "HOWDY IN THAR!"

We ran out onto the back veranda to see a rickety-looking wooden flat boat sliding among the weeds in a shallow marsh just a few yards away from the back of the Listening Post.  Karen the Boatperson stood in the prow and solemnly grappled her pole as she maneuvered the boat into position.  Two figures hunched behind her on the floor of the boat.  The stern was taken up by a huge ornate wicker throne, upon which sat Duchess Catherine O'Daisies, languidly fanning herself in the sticky swamp air.

"Well, well, if it ain't Prince Adler his own self," she purred.  "How you been, sugar?  I heard you was comin, so I figured I'd get myself all gussied up an' pay a formal call.  I reckon you ain't seen me in my Regalia, have you?  Whatcha thank?"

"It's um .. impressive," I stammered.  She seemed to be wearing a suit of bright red flannel underwear with frilly lace at the collar, wrists, and ankles.

"You seem a lil' anxious," the Duchess observed with a note of concern.  "Somethin' the matter?  All tuckered out from the trip, maybe?  Or, I bet I know what it is - you done met your predeceaser in thar.  Heh heh.  Paid him a lil' ol' personal call too.  But don't you worry none.  Head-axe ain't catchin', an' yer much too purty anyway.  For now all I done is brung ya some presents.  Here's your very own personal Antglade Spy to watch ever'thang you do an' report back to me, an' here's your official Antglade Attache to staff the other side o' that thar desk."

"It will be an honor spying on you, Your Highness," Lemmy said with a tip of his hat.  "And it's nice to see you again.  I can't wait to get all caught up on what's been happening."

The small raccoon femme simply nodded at me and said nothing.

"I also brung ya a shackwarmin' gift," the Duchess continued.  "It's a genuine usquebaugh-cured lowfolk ham.  Dee-licious!  Lemmy, tote that thang on into the Station now.  The Prince and I got matters to discuss.  I'm real, REAL interested, Adler honey, to hear how you done got the Vulpitanians an' the Sisterhood an' the Queen all mad at ya at the same time.  Specially the Queen, that's extry fascinatin'.  Seems like you 'n me's got more in common than either of us figured, so let's us just set a spell an' chew the fat."

She smiled ingratiatingly from her chair as Lemmy splashed out of the water and lugged an enormous misshapen ham across the lawn.  The small raccoon femme clambered out of the boat and waded through the marsh weeds after him.

"The Station sets on neutral territory," the Duchess explained after a long pause.  "I ain't allowed to leave the Antglade, but I can come set on your back stoop."

I blinked at her for a few additional seconds.

"You gotta invite me, honey," she clarified.
***************************************

The Duchess's need to be invited struck me as rather odd .. but then again, it was a classic element of all the old ballads and folk tales, that the Unseelie monster had to be invited into its victim's house.

That was an unsettling thought.

I could not shake the feeling that it would be extremely unwise to invite Duchess Catherine onto the Listening Post premises.  Then again, I was here in a semi-diplomatic capacity, and it would not do to be rude.

"Bring the other chair around from the front," I instructed Ms. Thomson.  Then I turned and called out, "Come on up and sit a spell on the porch, Your Grace."

She immediately pooked into the empty chair, and I sat down in the other one which Thomson placed behind me.
0408parley

"Quite an entrance, Your Grace," I remarked, removing my hat and fanning myself with it.

"Why shucks, darlin, you can call me Catherine," the Duchess simpered.  "That thar swamp water is plumb nasty, so I don't like to get in it if I don't have to.  We-uns as has got magick can avoid unpleasantness, am I right?"

"Sometimes we can," I agreed cautiously.

"You look right handsome in your Antglade duds," she observed, coquettishly.

"Thank you, ma'am," I acknowledged blankly.  "It seems like an awful lot to wear for this climate, though.  Is it always this hot here?"

"Nope," she replied.  "It's usually hotter.  Nobody'll object if you wanna take somethin' off."

"The, uh, Diplomatic Post is extremely tiny," I deftly changed the subject as I watched Lemmy toil up the slope of the lawn with the ungainly ham.  The raccoon femme paused to daintily wring stagnant water out of her skirt.  "Where exactly are the Spy and the Attache going to sleep?"

"Lemmy can bed down wherever," the Duchess replied.  "It's his job to stay outta sight, anyhow.  Your Attache will share your bunk, of course, since she's your diplomatic counterpart."

"There's no bunk, just a hammock," I corrected.  Then, as it sunk in, I exclaimed, "I can't sleep with her!  I don't even know her!  Besides, she's just a child!"
0408sassy

"I'm almost fifty!" the raccoon exclaimed as she clambered up onto the porch.  "You'd be tiny too if all you had to eat growing up was string beans and cornpone!"  With a toss of her head and an irritable snort, she lugged her suitcase into the outpost building.

"I've got the strangest feeling I've seen her somewhere before," I mused.

"She was one of the Changelings you done rescued from Evan Klive's ol' Vulpy arch thangy," Catherine explained.

"How did she wind up here?" I asked.

"Luck," the Duchess shrugged.

"So," I segued uncomfortably.  "Why exactly did you have to be invited up here?  What is the nature of the spell that confines you to the Gladsome Antglade?"

"Technically it's a geas," Catherine explained wistfully.  "I dunno who made it; maybe it was cousin-king Yngvar .. or my money's on that scalliwag Estvan Silverbrush .. or it coulda been somebody else.  Basically I cain't leave the Antglade, not ever, not under any circumstances, so long as the Empire stands.  But the land this here Listenin Station is on is whatcha call liminal.  It ain't exactly part of the Antglade but it ain't not part of it neither.  So I can come here if invited by a durn Imperial representative.  That'd be you, sugar."

"Do you happen to have any .. Persoc-Itoome?" I hazarded.

"That stuff is illegal," the Duchess chuckled.  "Ever since your grandpappy Adler banned it in the Empire."

"Well, my brother, King Estmere, asked me to send him some if I could."

"I can put you in touch with Matholwch, and maybe he can rustle up a few bottles," Catherine said warily.  "I'm sure we got a few lyin around somewhere."

"I'd be much obliged," I stated with a nod.

"Now then, darlin, let's get down to business," she said, suddenly leaning forward in her chair.  "What I hear, the Queen had it in for you.  I find that thar to be mighty interestin, so tell me all about it."

"I don't know," I shrugged, mystified.  "She was nice to me at first.  She even got books for me from the Persoc Tor library, but as time went on she seemed to get more and more sullen and suspicious toward me.  During part of my, uh, security operations during the Vulpitanian thaumaturgists' visit, I had the Marshal's assistant disguised as me -"

"Heh heh, I'd 've liked to seen that," the Duchess giggled.  "But go on."

"And somebody attacked him!" I exclaimed.  "Stabbed him in the back, but with a fake dagger that did no actual harm.  I did psychometry on it, and it had been cleaned of all trace except for the instant before the wielder let go of it .. and that person was Queen Edessa.  I have no idea why she did that, nor why she seemed so determined to see me put to death at my trial."

"Hmmm," Catherine mused.  "The dagger sounds like a Vulpitanian prank item.  It's a normal dagger most of the time; no way to tell no difference.  But when you try to backstab somebody with it, then the blade disappears and there ain't nothin but the handle stickin' thar, and yore victim still alive and goin 'Whut?  Whut?'  Dadgum Vulps; only they'd think such a thang was funny.  I swear, if I had a silver crown for every time I've fell for that one .."

I tried not to think of the implications of this, as the Duchess of Daisies muttered and shook her head.

"Another thang I'm minded of by your story is the Red Book of Appin," she continued after a brief pause.  "It used to be kept in the Persoc Tor library, and considerin how difficult it'd be to move the durn thang, I reckon it still is.  That book tells you ever'thang you'd ever wanna know about magicks and potions, and the third chapter is a chronicle of ALL of history.  Anythang important that's happened, or will happen, is in thar.  Trouble is, it's written in a peculiar language that only certain ones can read.  I could never make heads nor tails of it, but if yore Queen Edessa could read it, and she seen somethin' about you in thar .. well .. That's just MIGHTY INTERESTIN, is what it is .."

She trailed off ominously and stared off into the swamp.

0408flyby

The silence was broken by a loud buzzing and crashing through the underbrush, punctuated by cries of "EEEEALAAAA!" as two enormous insects fluttered momentarily above the treetops and the crashed back into the scrub growth.

"BODB!  MATHOLWCH!" the Duchess yelled.  "YALL GET ON HOME NOW, YOU HEAR?  I MEAN IT!  QUIT FOOLIN AROUND ON THEM DAMN THANGS!"  She leaned back in her chair and looked at me.  "Sorry about that.  Them boys has been just plain impossible since they found them accursed critters.  Worst part is, they's practically impossible to kill."

I stared blankly at Catherine, unsure if she meant her son-cousins or the creatures they were riding.

"Anyhow," she continued.  "I'm gettin mighty thirsty sittin here jawin with you.  Ain't you gonna be hospitable and offer some refreshments?  Could use a bite to eat, too."

"I don't see why not," I agreed, feeling a bit hungry myself.  "Why don't you sit right there, and I'll go see what we have in the kitchen and maybe whip up a batch of stew."

0408saystew

"Did you say stew?" Lemmy asked, suddenly poking his head out the back door of the Outpost.

"Stew?" the raccoon femme added.

"Sounds good to me," SALV Fofox chimed in.

"I've heard good thangs about yore stew, young'un," the Duchess enthused, smacking her lips.  "Cain't wait to try it."

"Unfortunately the cupboard is bare," Ms. Thomson called from inside.  "Not a scrap of food anywhere."

"I know you got a great big ol' lowfolk ham," Catherine pointed out.

"As I said, not a scrap of food," Thomson reiterated.

"What, um, does one generally do for provisions around here?" I asked uneasily.

"Well, you can forage," the Duchess explained.  "Thangs grow like crazy here in the swamp, and I reckon prob'ly half of it ain't poisonous.  You can hunt 'n fish all you want.  But mostly what we Antgladers like to do is drop into lowfolk country to get our vittles.  They's so gullible.  You can eat right well offa them lowfolk if you even halfway know what you're doin."

"I'll, uh, put that on my list of possibilities," I stammered uncomfortably.  "Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment, Your Grace, I'll step inside and see for myself what the situation is."

0408posters

I scurried into the building, to come face-to-face with Fifi Fofox as she stood back to admire some seditious posters on the wall.

"What's all this?" I asked.

"Motivational posters, silly!" she grinned.  "The Young Monocled Patriot can inspire us to, like, do our best for the Republic, and stuff!  Isn't he just the best?"

"You realize this is an [i]Imperial[/i] outpost, right?"

"Um, yeah?  Psh.  I knew that."

"I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about the Patriot kicking a crude caricature of my great-uncle in the pants," I declared.

"It's hilarious," Fifi snickered.  "Don't take it personally.  Young Monocled Patriot kicks a lot of people in the pants.  It's like, his thing."

"Oh really?  Who?  Who else does he kick in the pants"

"Let's see ... King Estmere, King Gawain, King Adler ..."

"What does L.O.L. mean?" I asked, cutting her off before she could recite the entire Imperial succession in reverse.

"Later On, Lardo!" she guffawed.

"Take that one down," I insisted.

0408investigate

Meanwhile, Ms. Thomson was inspecting the skeleton of the previous Border Agent.

"We owe him a decent burial," she mused aloud when she saw me watching her.  "But it would be good to know exactly what happened to him first.  I initially suspected foul play, but on closer inspection, this wound appears to be self-inflicted."

"What?  Are you sure?" I asked, incredulous.

"Definitely," Thomson affirmed.  "I studied crime-scene forensics in lieu of pole dancing at the Floozy Academy."

Before I could make a quip about Thomson squandering her education on useless frivolities, she grasped the handle of the small hatchet, and pulled it free of the skull.

0408screamer

Immediately the skeleton's jaw popped open and it began to emit a loud, bloodcurdling scream.

"Aw, not this again," the Duchess complained from outside.  "He done enough of that awful squallin' already to last me two lifetimes.  Carried on for near three weeks til he finally got that hatchet."
******************************************

0417quiet

Ms. Thomson replaced the hatchet, and the skull stopped screaming.

"That could be useful," I suggested.

"Yes, but how can I get that hatchet without deafening everyone?" Thomson replied, distractedly.

"Okay, like, I took down that one poster like you said," SALV Fofox declared from the other side of the room.  "But you should totally know that the Young Monocled Patriot is like, the unofficial mascot of Vulpitania, or something, and you like, shouldn't diss him and stuff.  Every kit wants to be just like the Patriot when they grow up, and every old fox still wishes they could be like him."

"I will only insult your culture when it insults mine," I promised.

"But right now," I continued, "I need ingredients for stew!  Let's go out and gather some potatoes, turnips, plantain, watercress, and mustard!  I could also use some tree nuts, and some fish."

"You have a perfectly good ham right here," the small raccoon femme pointed out.

"I .. don't think I can eat that," I whispered.

"I definitely can't eat that," Thomson added.  "We should give it a proper burial along with the remains of the previous Border Agent."

"Looks okay to me," Fifi opined.  "Smells great.  And besides, since like, all is ham anyway, you'll totally be eating this whether you eat any of it or not."

"What does that mean?" I asked suspiciously.

"Dunno," the vixen shrugged.  "It's just some Gnoster stuff from back home in Lengra-Cha.  But, so, like, I don't know what any of that stuff you said looks like, so I'll just stay here and tidy up while the rest of you guys forage."

"I suppose I could look for edible greens," Thomson offered.  "But I must stay close by Prince Adler."

"Oh yeah, I gotta like, do that too," Fifi agreed enthusiastically.

"It is my duty to accompany the Agent as well," the raccoon femme explained.

"Fine," I sighed.  "You can forage around me while I catch some fish.  Um, is there a pole around here somewhere?"

"Reckon Karen's got one in the boat, sugar," Duchess Catherine called from the porch.

0417warning

"[i]Go not into the water, Sire,[/i]" a small voice insisted in my Elfmind.  "[i]Step not into Karen's boat.  The edge of the swamp is the true border of the Duchess's domain, and once thou enterest, thou wilt be under her power as long as she hath her regalia.[/i]"

"On second thought, it might be best to forage for plants first," I decided.

0417mint

I stepped out into the front yard of the Listening Post and surveyed the ground.  There was nothing but grass and rank weeds (which might have been edible for Thomson, but not for the rest of us) and a small patch of wild mint.

"Hmmm," I mused out loud.  "I don't think ham with mint sauce would be very good."

"You could use it to make juleps," the raccoon femme suggested.

"BURNSIDE!" Duchess Catherine yelled from the other side of the building.  "Did you say juleps?"

"Yes'm, I did," the raccoon called back.  "There's a nice patch of mint out front here."

"Your name is Burnside?" I asked, over the clamor of the Duchess as she ordered Karen to fetch up a jug of Usquebaugh.

"My full name is Beladonna Uma Rivers Natasha Sideways Ingrid Dharma Excelsior," the raccoon explained wearily.  "But my initials spell out Burnside, so that's what most people call me."

"Well, Burnside, it looks like we're going to have to travel farther afield to find anything edible."  I picked a handful of mint and walked back through the building to address the Duchess.  "Your Grace, the stew is going to be delayed while I search for ingredients."

"Fix me a mint julep," she said, handing me a stoneware jug, "and I'll just set right here and be just as good as I can be til y'all get back.  I recommend goin' to the lowfolk world to get your vittles.  Save you a lot of time.  There's usually somethin' good waitin' right close to the Gates on their side.  And our elf magick works better over there too.  Any Gate round here will do; just enter it widdershins, and come back through the exact same way."

I pulled my Elfin Bow out of my Elfintory and led a small party consisting of Ms. Thomson, SALV Fofox, and Attache Burnside on a short trudge through the scrubby woods back to the Gate.

0417sacrifice

We passed through the Gate and emerged in a circle of stones.  In the center of the circle was a tall wooden post with a blond-haired bunny tied to it.  More bunnies were standing apprehensively just outside the stone circle.
**************************************

In retrospect, I probably should have taken some quick and decisive action, but I was too surprised by the spectacle before us.  My mind was a welter of conflicting impulses.  I simultaneously considered scaring, robbing, Elfshooting, and heinously snubbing this entire congregation of lowfolk .. but all I actually did was stand there staring for several very long seconds.

"These lowfolk are into some freaky stuff," I finally muttered.

"Tis not what it looketh like, odious one!" the rabbitess tied to the stake called out.

"Really?" I quipped.  "It looks like your people have tied you up to be sacrificed to some otherworldly being which you were expecting to emerge from this gate."

"Oh," the bunny maiden replied.  "Then it is how it looketh."

As if waiting for some invisible command, all of the rabbits knelt and prostrated themselves on the ground.

0422recognize

"Wait a minute!" someone shouted from behind one of the stones.  "I know those elves!  Or, well, I know that one!"

I immediately recognized the meddlesome Percy le Gobelet.  Regaining my Elfly reflexes, I instantly drew my bow and let loose a debilitating Elf-shot in the bird's direction.

0422smugpercy

To my astonishment, the Elfshot arrow stopped in mid-air, inches from Percy's face.  He chuckled as he plucked the arrow from the air.

"I'm ready for all your tricks this time, My Lord," the bird cackled.  "I've warded myself against transmogrification and curses and every conceivable ruse from all the old tales as well as my own foresighted imagination!  Thank you for the magical arrow.  Now at last I have a piece of tangible evidence to show the Symposium when next we -"

0422bruise

Ms. Thomson rushed at Percy with uncanny ungulate speed, and whalloped him in mid-gloat with her hoof.  He collapsed like a bag of feathers, dropping the Elfshot arrow, which disappeared when it touched the ground.

0422priest

An especially filthy-looking rabbit, bedecked in twigs and ropes of beads, detached itself from the group and stepped cautiously toward Thomson, who stood thoughtfully flexing her hand.

"P-please, Great Horned One," the rabbit whined as it presented a shiny dagger.  "Disregard yon uncouth stranger.  He swore he would not interfere, else we would ne'er allow him to witness thy ritual.  Take thy blade, Horned One.  The sacrifice is ready.  Accept her in return for thy blessings of bounty.  Be not angry, we beseech thee, on account of the interloper.  Curb thy wrath.  Loose not thy horrid demons upon us."

Thomson took the dagger and inspected it closely.

"Why hesitatest?" the sacrificial maiden asked nervously.  "Do I not please thee?"

0422thatsaknife

Thomson turned and held out the dagger for Burnside, Fifi, and myself to examine.  Immediately the rabbits began to wail and ululate forlornly.

"What do you make of this?" Thomson asked.  "It appears to be of Elfish make."

"So it does," I confirmed.

"AAAAH NOOO," the rabbits screamed.  "Deliver us not into the hands of the Breaker of Ill Winds!"

"That is totally like, one of those Vulpitanian joke daggers that Duchess Catherine was talking about," SALV Fofox pointed out.

"WOE IS US," the rabbits shrieked.  "The Frost-Biter bringeth our bane!  How have we displeased thee, Mighty Cornetta, oh Goddess of Spring?"

"I don't like the way this situation is shaping up," I muttered, looking around at the genuflecting rabbits and the staked maiden with tears streaming down her face.

"Obviously Unseelie things have been done here," Thomson added grimly.  "And it's been going on for a long time, from the look of it."

"We might ought to, like, take that rabbit chick with us though," Fifi suggested.  "It would be like, majorly insulting to refuse a sacrifice.  You can totally see how much it means to all of them."

"She's got a point," Burnside added.  "Plus, rabbits make great stew."
**********************************

0501indignant

"What are you saying?" I demanded hotly.  "I'm the Stew Master of Albric Tor!  No lowfolk bunny can make better stew than I can, and I'll challenge anybody to a stew-off to defend my title!"

"That's not what I meant, Your Highness," Burnside replied.  "Rabbits are good [i]in[/i] stew."

The congregation screamed in unison, and the Maiden wailed in horror.

"No," I said, poking my finger in Burnside's face to demonstrate my resolve.  "Feral rabbit, maybe, but we are not eating any lowfolk while I have anything to say about it."

"You don't know what you're missing," the raccoon muttered.

"Wow, you're like, even cuter when you're mad," SALV Fofox gushed admiringly.

"Go on and untie that poor maiden," I suggested to her.

0501frostbiter

"I totally love your hair," Fifi chirped as she began untying the sacrificial Maiden from her stake.  "Like, where did you get it done?"

"AAAAHH," the Maiden replied.  "Frost-Biter!  Frost-Biter!  Away, I beg thee!  Devour not my soul with thy cold, cold fangs!"

"Whoah, chill.  I'm totally not gonna hurt you."

"AAAAHHHH," the Maiden shrieked.  "Frost-Biter is going to do unmentionable things to me!  Oh why was I ever born?"

"Stop calling me Frost-Biter!" Fifi said, offended.  "Like, how do you even know about that anyway?  It was years and years ago in distant Lengra-Cha."

The Maiden did not reply, but simply slumped loosely in her bonds while quietly sobbing.

"This is sick," Thomson declared angrily.  "We don't want you to sacrifice tender young maidens -"

The rabbit congregation groaned in unison.

"Maybe YOU don't," Burnside quipped.

"Shut up," Thomson snapped.  Turning back to the rabbits, she continued:  "If you would appease us, we require weekly offerings of crops and produce.  Bring us a basket of vegetables, a dozen eggs, a jug of milk, a box of tea ... in return for which, we will ..."  She turned to me.  "Your Highness, do you think you would be able to cast some Gramerye on their fields to make them fruitful?"

0501shrug

"Sure, I guess so," I replied.  "It's theoretically possible."

"NOOOOO," the rabbits moaned.  "The Breaker of Ill Winds will put a fetid blight on our crops!  Why dost thou persecute us, oh Horned One?"

"[i]How do these rabbits know about that?[/i]" I asked Thomson via Elfmind.  "[i]That gassy incident was ages ago, back in Faerie.[/i]"

"[i]You are a skunk,[/i]" Thomson replied.  "[i]That's probably all it means.  Lowfolk are crude and unimaginative.[/i]"

0501whydispleased

"How have we displeased thee?" the filthy twig-covered rabbit beseeched.  "Was our sacrifice unworthy?"

"Slay me and erase my shame, I beg thee," the Maiden sobbed.

"No!" Thomson insisted.  "Where did you get the idea that we wanted sacrificial Maidens?  Who else has come through this gate?"

"Thy messengers, the Holy Ladybirds, have told us what thou requirest, Oh Great Horned One," the priest replied obsequiously.  "Never before have we beheld thy presence, for usually thou waitest until deepest night so that none may see when thou takest thy sacrifice.  How did we provoke thee, that thou camest in mid-day, in full view before the entire congregation, with thy fearsome demons in attendance?"

"Just bring the provisions I asked for, and stop talking," Thomson sighed.

0501squab

"What about the squab?" Burnside called, as she knelt beside the unconscious Percy le Gobelet.  "He looks pretty well tenderized.  It'd be a shame to let that go to waste."

"No way," I replied.  "We're not eating lowfolk, and by Fuma, we're not bringing any with us as guests into Faerie, especially not him.  That guy gives me the creeps.  He keeps showing up outside Gates every time I visit the lowfolk world, and I'm not sure how he does it."
*******************************

0507pieces

"How about taking just a couple pieces of him then?" Burnside asked, licking her chops and pulling a meat cleaver out of her Elfintory.  "I'd sure like a wing and a thigh, and then you won't have to worry about him following you anymore."

"BAWK!" Percy exclaimed nervously as he regained consciousness.

"No!" I remonstrated.  "Leave that poor bird alone!  For Fuma's sake, what makes you so bloodthirsty?"

"Pff, don't pretend like you're better than me," Burnside scoffed.  "We all had to slaughter our lowfolk families to get back to Faerie.  That's what being an Elf is all about."

"[b]BAWK?!?![/b]" Percy squawked.

"I wasn't even raised by lowfolk," I protested with some alarm.  "And I don't think that's what being an Elf is all about.  Is it?  Are you saying that .. Changelings kill their foster parents?"

"And siblings," Burnside added.

"Aw man, was I supposed to do that?" SALV Fofox groaned.  "Nobody, like, tells me anything!"

"Lowfolk slaughter is not standard procedure for returning Changelings," Thomson informed us.  "Though it has sometimes been regarded as a rite of passage among certain Unseelie tribes."

0507puppydog

"Aw c'mon Prince Adler, let me just carve out his giblets; he won't even miss 'em," Burnside wheedled, holding a pair of limpid eyeballs in front of her face.  "Pretty please?"

"[i]Puppy Dog Eyes!?[/i]" I choked, flinching away in disgust.  "Why do you Antgladers think that's an effective method of persuasion?"

"You don't like them?" the raccoon pouted.  "They're really good with a pinch of parsley."

"Get away from me," I growled.  "Go stand over there."

"You're no fun," she grumbled.

"Percy le Gobelet!" I shouted at the quivering bird.  "Why do you keep following me around, and more importantly, HOW are you doing it?"

"I follow you?" he protested.  "You're the one following me!  Every time I find a Faerie Gate, you show up and mistreat me!  I think you're the most Unseelie of all!  But sooner or later, 'Prince Adler,' I'll learn your true name."

"Rabbit folk!" I yelled to the congregation.  "This interloper has probably deceived you.  You should take him back to your village and deal with him harshly!"

"Thou dost not command us, foul Breaker of Ill Winds!" the priest called uncertainly while the congregation cowered behind her (him?).

"Do you want me to bless your crops or not?" I asked.

"PLEASE DON'T!" the rabbits begged in unison.

"Unless you remove this avian stranger and bring the produce I requested," Thomson declared imperiously, "I shall authorize the Breaker to break his illest wind all over your fields and meadows.  And if you don't hurry, I'll think of a job for the Frost-Biter too.  Or would you rather deal with the Ring Tailed Demon over there?"

"Thou has heard!" the priest screeched.  "The Horned One has spoken!  It is not ours to question!"

A few of the burliest rabbits grabbed Percy and hustled him off into the woods while the rest groveled pathetically on the ground.

I suddenly had a thought.

"[i]Ixie of the Ominous Orse!  To me![/i]" I broadcast via Elfmind.

0507whyixie

"Thou callest, Sire?" an Ixie asked coolly as she perched on my hat.

"Have you been telling these rabbit lowfolk to sacrifice maidens to Ms. Thomson?" I asked.

"We've not told them that [i]specifically,[/i] but we have relayed instructions that could be construed .." she dithered.

"In other words, yes," I deduced.  "I am not interested in eating or otherwise using lowfolk maidens."

"Thou shouldst broaden thy horizons, Sire," the Ixie sniffed.  "At any rate, twas not for thee."

"Then who?"

"I am not at liberty to divulge our clients' names.  Suffice it to say that we run errands for numerous parties in this area."

0507raebeet

Before I could pursue my line of questioning any further, we were interrupted by frantic yelling from the rabbits, a loud thump, and a resounding "CROAK."  I looked up to see the remaining lowfolk scurrying away in all directions from an enormous frog which had leaped in among the standing stones.

"What in the Netherhells?" Thomson started to say.

0507getongue

The frog shot out its tongue, which stuck to Thomson and began pulling her toward the fell beast!

0507frogko

A moment later, the frog lay unconscious.

"You dare lay your tongue on me?" Thomson exclaimed as she rubbed her arm.  "Only scions of the House of Irenaeus are granted that privilege!"

"Frogs are mighty good eatin'," Burnside quipped from the sidelines.

"All right," I shrugged.  "I guess we can take it -"

Before I could finish speaking, she pulled out her cleaver and fell on the frog with gusto.

"Thou has bested the Green Monster," the rabbit priest yelled over the symphony of gross wet sounds as Burnside butchered the enormous amphibian.  She (he?) held up a large wicker basket full of fruit and vegetables.  "Take these, our thank offerings."

Burnside wrapped the frog meat in leaves and handed each of us an armload of huge chunks.  Thus laden, we passed back through the Gate and back to the Diplomatic Listening Post.

0507frogfry

Not long afterward, we were all standing on the back porch of the Post, enjoying some juicy barbecued frog.  (All of us except Ms. Thomson, who insisted on salad, and Karen, who soberly informed us that the frog was "not dead enough" for her tastes.)

"Well tan my hide, Adler honey," the Duchess enthused.  "This sauce you made is downright heavenly!  Well worth the wait, I do declare."

"It is, like, really good, fer sure," Fifi concurred, between bites.

"I thank you kindly for your hospitality," Duchess Catherine continued, licking her fingers.  "But it's gettin' late, and Karen and I best be headin' on back.  I'll see y'all later!"

She Pooked to her boat.  Karen pushed away from the bank, and the craft quietly slipped out of sight among the weeds.

"I propose that we return to the Gate and wait to see who comes through it tonight," I announced to the group still munching on the porch.  "I want to find out who's been taking sacrificial maidens from those rabbit people."
***************************************

"A stakeout?" Lemmy asked enthusiastically.  "That's my area of expertise!  Count me in."

"I'd rather we didn't," Burnside grumbled when I glanced at her.  "I don't think there is anything of value to be learned by this, so if we're not going to be claiming the sacrificial maiden there's no point in going."

"I'm going with or without you," I informed her.  "But I don't feel like this caper would be complete without a diminutive sidekick."

"That's absurd," Burnside scoffed.  "But I am duty bound to accompany you, so I guess I'll have to go.  At the very least it may be entertaining."

"Oh yeah, like totally," Fifi grinned when I looked at her.  "No way would I miss this."

"I too am duty bound to accompany you," Thomson stated.

"Okay then," I continued, rubbing my hands.  "One of us will have to pose as the sacrificial maiden, to act as bait to lure the Unseelie elves out into the circle."

"Totally gotta be you," Fifi exclaimed.  "You're the fairest of us all, with your white fur and long hair."

"You have white fur and long hair," I pointed out.  "Plus you're actually a femme."

"No way, I'm a vixen, they'll like never fall for it," the SALV insisted.  "My pointy ears and big fluffy tail are a total giveaway.  Plus .. well .. I'm like, not exactly a maiden."

"But ..." I began to protest.

"It can't be me," Thomson explained, "because I am supposed to be their goddess.  Burnside is too small."

"And I'm officially not here," Lemmy muttered mysteriously.

"Fine," I sighed.  "This is ridiculous, but we don't have time to argue.  We'll need to fashion some false bunny teeth & ears out of bark or something, and I'll need a wreath of flowers and some sort of gown."

"I've got a nightgown that would look just [i]adorable[/i] on you," Fifi giggled as everyone scattered to collect the needed supplies.

0513disguise

About half an hour later, I was disguised as a sacrificial bunny maiden.  I decided not to waste any effort at transmogrification or glamour, because the disguise only needed to work for a few minutes, in the dark of the lowfolk forest.

"It's perfect," Fifi squealed.  "You make such a totally hot bunny maiden."

"You look almost good enough to eat," Burnside guffawed.

"Knock it off," I grumbled.  "Let's head back to the Gate before it gets much later."

0513awaiting

The femmes had gotten all of the giggles out of their systems by the time we reached the Gate, and we crept through silently to the circle of stones on the other side.

Percy le Gobelet was tied to the stake.  He glanced around nervously while the sacrificial maiden sat cross-legged, apparently deep in meditation, on the ground beside him.

I realized with irritation that my disguise had been a pointless waste of time.

We spread out quietly among the stones and settled down to wait.  The night wore on.

After a while we were alerted by a fizzling, popping sound from the Gate.  This sound was followed by several steps of a thumping, heavy tread, and an imperious female voice which proclaimed:

"TREMBLE BEFORE CORNETTA, THE GREAT HORNED ONE!"

"What in the Netherhells?" the voice muttered after a moment's pause.

0513sacrificeme

"I apologize for the irregularity, oh Horned One," the maiden exclaimed, jumping to her feet.  "This lowly bird intruded and improperly imposed his befeathered self upon our sacred rituals.  Ignore him!  I alone am thy worthy sacrifice!  Scorn me not!  I insist that thou now fulfillest my destiny for which I was chosen, and plunge the sacred dagger into my heart!"

"Yes, absolutely, take her, and ignore my intrusion," Percy squawked.  "I will not be offended in the least.  I'm here by mistake anyway."

0513interlopers

Two figures stepped forth from the shadows.

"WHADDA WE DO NOW, GEORGE?" the bigger one rumbled.  "HUH?  WHADDA WE DO?  TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE, GEORGE.  AM I RIGHT?  HUH?  AM I, GEORGE?"

"Stop calling me George, you big oaf," the other figure hissed.  Then it called out, "Your sacrifice is acceptable.  Where is the sacred dagger?"
********************************

0522nope

"HALT!" I yelled as I dashed out between the Maiden and the mysterious elves.  "You're not sacrificing this Maiden tonight, if I have anything to say about it!"

"Excuse me??" the Maiden retorted hotly.  "Who are you, you scrawny hussy, to interfere with my destiny?  I am the most fitting sacrifice ever to be offered to Great Cornetta!  I won't let some long-tailed impostor take this away from me!"

"THREE SACRIFICES, GEORGE," the rumbly voice exclaimed with delight.  "SHE'S GONNA LIKE THAT ALL RIGHT, RIGHT GEORGE?  RIGHT?"

0522whammy

I didn't have time to argue with the Maiden, so I subdued her with a quick dose of [i]Orgasmic Touch.[/i]  She collapsed against Percy with a sigh of bliss.

"HEY, HEY, WHOAH," Percy squawked.  "Leave me out of this!"

"Wait a minute," the feminine voice grumbled.  "What's a Sisterhood operative doing out here?  Why are you interfering with our operation?  We're not violating any sanctions here."

0522villains

The two mysterious elves stepped out of their concealing shadow.

"WHAT NOW, GEORGE?" the antlered one boomed, much to my surprise.  "DO WE GET A PRETTY BUNNY RABBIT OR NOT?"

"I'm not sure," the bear replied, in a voice far more delicate than one would expect from her massive frame.  "Something highly irregular is going on .. and my name, by the way, is Gertrude!  how many times do I have to remind you?"

"SORRY GEORGE," the other elf rumbled sheepishly.

0522burnside

"That small one is obviously an artificial construct," Burnside whispered, as she pulled a knife and fork out of her Elfintory.  "An amateurish conglomeration of rabbit and roebuck; two distinctly different kinds of delicious!  Give me thirty seconds, Your Highness, and I'll reduce him to his constituent parts."
***********************************

0527whoosh

"Okay, fine," I sighed reluctantly.  "Go ahead and indulge yourself, but just -"

She dashed toward the jackalope before I could finish what I was saying.

0527ilikeher

"I have to admit, I like the Antglade attache's style," Ms. Thomson stated as I tried not to look in the direction of the bloodcurdling snarls and clattering cutlery.  "She has excellent tastes in lethal hardware, and lots of Persockity Vitality.  I think she and I will get along quite well during your tenure at the border post."

0527meanlilthing

"Hey!" Gertrude yelled irritably over the noises of Burnside's fury as she held the raccoon up at arm's length.  "Hey you!  Sisterhood agents!  Is this thing yours?  I don't appreciate it attacking my helpmate when we haven't even done anything to you."

"Release me and suffer the consequences!" Burnside snarled.

"Don't you mean 'or?'" Gertrude asked.  "Release me [i]or[/i] suffer the consequences?"

"Elves do not lie," Burnside growled sullenly.

"Start telling me something," Gertrude called to me, "or I will crush this disagreeable creature."

"DON'T HURT THE LITTLE THING, GEORGE," her antlered companion boomed.  "IT'S GOT SUCH A CUTE FACE AND A FLUFFY LIL' TAIL."

"Crushing in three .. two .." the bear announced grimly.

0527explain

"Explain your presence here!" I yelled back.  "Why are you taking sacrificial lowfolk maidens?  And why do you think we are with the Sisterhood?"

"You used an Orgasmic Touch on that maiden.  There's an Albric Tor Floozy standing right next to you, and a Lengra-Cha Floozy skulking back there in the shadows behind you.  If you're not a Sisterhood special task force, then you've certainly done a good job imitating one!  I should ask you what YOU'RE doing here, interfering with our operation.  This is way out of your normal jurisdiction."

"I'm asking the questions," I barked.  "I've got the maiden.  Why are you taking lowfolk, what are you doing with them, and how long has this been going on?"

"As I understand it, this particular exchange has been going on for centuries," Gertrude shrugged.  "I've only been involved for a few years.  My job is to pick up the maidens and deliver them to Antglade collection teams at certain drop points along the border."

"Why?"

"Surely you know.  Antgladers are prohibited by Imperial Law from leaving their territory without special authorization."

"But what do they want the maidens for?"

"You'd have to ask them," Gertrude shrugged.  "I could make a few guesses, but honestly I'd prefer not to know."

"They must be paying you handsomely to secure your co-operation in this Unseelie scheme," I declared with disgust.

0527wuv

"Oh they are," Gertrude sighed.  "The Duchess of Daisies made Jack for me.  He's based on my ideas of the perfect male.  He's not very smart, I admit, but he makes up for it in loyalty and affection - and by Fuma's Musk, isn't he just the most gorgeous thing you've ever seen?"

"I WILL HUG YOU AND SQUEEZE YOU AND CALL YOU GEORGE," the jackalope bellowed as he snuggled up next to his partner.

"Each time I deliver a maiden, the Duchess replenishes Jack's life force," Gertrude explained.  "So you see, I need that sacrificial bunny!"

"[i]Um .. where is Burnside?[/i]" I whispered nervously to Thomson via Elfmind.
**********************************

0605quietyou

Before Ms. Thomson could answer me, Percy used the momentary pause to interject:  "This is all most fascinating.  Since I am tied up at the moment, could I perhaps trouble one of you to pull my spare notebook out of my pocket and write a few things down for me?"

Thomson and I both turned to glare at him.

"No, I .. er .. can see that's an unreasonable request," the bird stammered.  "Never mind, then.  I'll just .. uh .. forget everything I have seen and heard tonight."

I was wondering exactly what he had warded himself against, and how I could ensure his forgetting, when suddenly there was a shriek and a bellow ..

0605attack

Burnside leaped from the shadow of one of the standing stones with alarming quickness, and plunged her barbecue fork into Jack's back.  Gertrude snatched the raccoon out of the air with a massive paw (alas, a split second too late) and caught the slumping jackalope with her other arm.

"OW, GEORGE," Jack rumbled feebly just before going limp.

"Burnside!" I yelled, outraged.  "How could you be so Unseelie?"

0605gotim

"How could you not be?" Burnside cackled.  "That was totally worth it!  I got him right in the Discombobulator Array!"

"I will destroy you," Gertrude snarled as she began to squeeze Burnside's head.

"Wait a second, wait a second!" I yelled as I strode toward them, with Thomson close behind me.  "Burnside is a diplomatic representative of the Gladsome Antglade, so please don't squish her.  If Jack has a Discombobulator Array, then I might be able to fix him.  I've had some experience with these things.  If I may?"

Gertrude handed Burnside off to Ms. Thomson, and helped me remove Jack's coat & shirt.  We rolled him face-down and I examined his fork wound.  Sure enough, there was a panel which opened, and behind it was a Discombobulator next to a rack of numbered slots, about half of which had brass cards inserted into them.

"Blast," I muttered.  "I was hoping the Discombobulator had merely been unseated, but she actually damaged it, so it will have to be replaced.  If, as you say, the Duchess built him, then she should have spare parts."

0605fluff

Acting on a hunch, I reached down and tugged on Jack's tail.  It came off easily, and I could see what looked suspiciously like a Scuti pilot port where the tail had been.

"He was designed as a vehicle for a Scuti," I explained.  "I don't understand why he would be walking around pilotless, with this artificial tail instead."

"I never knew it was removable," Gertrude murmured.

"Well, I'm going to have to meet with the Duchess and discuss all of this," I mused.  "The implications are quite disturbing.  How many of these constructs does she have?"

"This is the only one I know about," Gertrude replied.  "But please, I just want him fixed.  I don't think I could bear losing him."

"You might as well come with me, then."

"Not without the sacrificial maiden," Gertrude insisted.  "The Duchess's people will be expecting it.  I bring them lowfolk in exchange for maintenance on Jack; that's the deal."

"Do the maidens have to be .. dead when you deliver them?" I asked with some trepidation.

"Fuma's sakes, no.  I don't think I could kill them in cold blood.  There's a special joke dagger which they gave to this tribe long ago.  It should be lying around here somewhere.  Anybody watching would think the maiden was killed, but the blade collapses and all it does is stun them."

"Delivered unconscious then?" I muttered thoughtfully.

"The meat stays fresh longer that way," Burnside explained cheerfully.

"By the Lady!" I spat.  "I don't like this at all.  We must leave the maiden here."

"I'm not facing the Duchess without that maiden," Gertrude insisted stubbornly.

"Guys, she's like, coming to," Fifi called from where she was kneeling over the bunny maiden.

"Frost-Biter," the maiden murmured dreamily.  "Thou and thy demon kin have defiled me.  My soul belongeth henceforth to the Breaker of Ill Winds.  Take me with thee and steep me evermore in sweet, sweet sin.."

"I think this is a bad idea," I groaned.  "But okay, blinfold her and take her with us."

"What about me?" Percy asked hopefully.

"Shut up."

We left the bird tied to the stake, and trudged our way back to the Border Station.

0605hamsam

"There you are," Alice Chetsweeks said as soon as I entered the building.  "We heard that you had been exiled here, and we thought we'd drop in for a visit.  The door wasn't locked, so we came in and helped ourselves to some of that delicious Antglade ham."

"Nice place," Mara mumbled in between bites.  "Lovely decor."

"You may be interested to know, Your Highness," Alice continued.  "SALVs Nidab and Semos have finished their work and returned to Vulpitania in triumph.  Queen Edessa is pregnant."
*****************************************

0611youjerks

"I am not interested in any of your shadowy dealings," I sulked.  "It was the Sisterhood that got me into my present predicament."

"Somehow I don't think the Sisterhood is responsible for you being dressed like a sacrificial maiden," Alice scoffed.  "Perhaps there is something you'd like to confess?"

"You looked much cuter as Relda Fauxfox," Mara quipped around a mouthful of ham.

"Huh?" Fifi asked from the doorway.

"By Fuma, there's two of them," Alice observed as she took another bite of her sandwich.

"You do realize you're eating lowfolk ham, right?" I sneered.  "You've got a lot of nerve, barging in here uninvited and abusing my hospitality."

"But you are honor bound to offer hospitality to travelers," Mara pointed out.

"You call this hospitality?" the rat piped up.  "There isn't even any mustard!"

"Aren't you that rat I met in prison?" I asked.  "And are you wearing the Scuti I took from the SALVs' laboratory?"

"My host and I made a little deal with the Marshal," the rat sneered.

"I just know I'm going to regret asking this," I sighed.  "But how did the Queen get pregnant so quickly?"

"It's been several weeks since you left," Alice explained.  "Temporal slippage with all the Gates you used to get here."

"Okay, I'll abbreviate my question to:  How did she get pregnant?"

"A certain gem and a certain Scuti got together with a certain royal ungulate, who got together with a certain skunk for an evening of certain venery," the rat grinned.

I stared at him for several seconds as I intently willed myself not to visualize the scene he was hinting at.  "And what is she pregnant [i]with,[/i] exactly?" I finally managed to say.

"Nobody knows for certain yet," Alice explained.  "It would be best if the child is not a skunk, though even in that case it should not matter, since Estmere is not an elf and has no right to the throne.  His heir has no claim."

"Nope, not talking about that any more," I grumbled, shaking my head.  "I am going on the back porch to change clothes.  No peeking!"

0611nicedecor

"Nice decor," Alice said as she admired the Vulpitanian posters.  "I assume you chose these?  They are very period-appropriate."

"Oh yeah, like, fer sure," Fifi giggled.  "Isn't Young Monocled Patriot just the [i]best?[/i]"

"He certainly is," Alice nodded.  "Oh hey," she added, as Gertrude lugged Jack into the Station and laid him on the floor.  "Is that a Scuti Activated Locomobile Vehicle?  May I take a look?"

"Hmm," Alice mused as she inspected Jack.  "This is a very old model, built by Redbough back before the Antglade rebellion.  It has had a lot of unauthorized work done to it .. I think it may have originally been meant to be female.  Its [i]Identify Friend[/i] slot has a homemade wooden card shoved in it, with 'George' written along the edge.  Who's George?  And its volume control has been set to maximum.  I can fix that for you, if you'd like.  Uh-oh, its Discombobulator array is damaged.  You'll need to find a replacement.  Hello, what's this?  A magick capacitor for brief excursions into lowfolk territory!  Now that's a handy thing to have!"

"I'm very concerned that the Duchess of Daisies has such a machine, and possibly others like it, in her possession," I declared as I stepped back into the room.

0611amazed

"Fuma's Whiskers!" Gertrude exclaimed.  "You're a male!!  How could one as elfly and handsome as yourself pass so convincingly as a maiden?  You must truly be a master of disguise!"

"Ummm, okay," I said hesitantly.  "Thanks for that compliment, I guess.  But as I was saying, I'm concerned."

"Lifelike automata were outlawed throughout the Empire by my grandfather, Adler the Prudent," I explained.

"This would have been built long before that edict was passed," Alice pointed out.  "Plus there are numerous loopholes, if the automaton can be made to be easily distinguishable from a real elf.  One can build it without a tail, for example, or give it the form of an imaginary creature like a jackalope."

"I've always wanted to drive one of those things," the rat murmured dreamily.  "Maybe its memory core contains information I could retrieve.  Once we get it operational, let me pilot it, and I think my host may have something of value to tell you."

"Oooh, can I tease it out of him slowly with a knife and a fistful of straight pins?" Burnside squealed excitedly.

0611scold

"I'm concerned not only about the automaton," I scolded, "but also by your appalling behavior, Attache Burnside!  How could you be so vicious?  Surely you don't carry on like that at home?"

"Whenever I was bad, my lowfolk pappy locked me in a box," Burnside growled sullenly.  "As you can see, it didn't do much to improve my attitude.  I wouldn't suggest you try it.  Confined spaces make me go completely berserk."

"You mean, you weren't berserk in the woods earlier?"

"Nope.  I was having fun."

"How did you know Jack had a Discombobulator?"  I asked, after taking a moment to digest her previous statement.

"I've seen him around Antglade Station a few times, and I knew what he was."

"HEY!  What kind of demons art thou?" the lowfolk maiden suddenly yelled.  "These are not the exquisite torments of the Netherhells!  Art thou going to stand around talking for all eternity?  I should have been violated repeatedly by now!  Breaker of Winds!  Where is thy bed?  Take me thither and do thy savage duty upon me!"

0611femfight

"Hey, back off, buckteeth!" Fifi snapped.  "I like totally had dibs on him before you ever even knew he existed!"

"Bah!  Be not so greedy!  Thou hast lain in his unholy embrace since time began, Frost-Biter!"

"I haven't!  Like not even once!  No way I'm letting you get it before I do!"

"I am his Imperial Court-Appointed Floozy," Thomson interjected.  "Both of you must defer to me."

"Tough luck for all of you," Burnside snarled as she bit into the maiden's leg.  "But I'm the Prince's Diplomatic Attache, and it is my duty to stay closest to him at all times."

"I just need to keep the maiden intact for the Duchess's collection team," Gertrude insisted.  "Careful, there.  Don't make me have to hurt you."

"What are you doing?" Alice asked as Mara raised her fists and slowly approached the scuffle.  "You don't have any stake in this."

"My host body has experienced the Prince's magick touch," Mara explained through clenched teeth.  "Even though I know better .. the craving is .. nigh irresistible .. just to be close to him for a while .. with no distractions .. couldn't hurt .."

0611skull

This was too much foolishness for me to tolerate.  I lunged across the desk and yanked the hatchet out of the previous Border Agent's skull.  Immediately the air was rent by a loud, piercing, unearthly scream.

"TAKE IT OUTSIDE, LADIES," I yelled.  "Settle the sleeping arrangements however you like, but the hammock is MINE, and mine alone!"

The femmes all rushed out the back door, and I replaced the hatchet.  The night was suddenly still - unsettlingly still.

I peeked out the doorway to see why everyone had gotten so quiet.

0611duchess

Duchess Catherine O'Daisies sashayed up the porch steps, with a large clay jug slung over her shoulder.  Gertrude bowed her head reverently.  Burnside did a ladylike little curtsey and muttered "Your Grace."  The other femmes huddled nervously against the railing at the far edges of the porch.

"Adler, honey," the Duchess sighed musically, "I just heard the news from Albric Tor, and I figured I'd better stop on by.  I brung a jug of Usquebaugh to help us think, cuz you 'n me's got a lotta plannin' to do.  Oh, and in case y'all was wonderin' .. what y'all was tusslin' about a minute ago?  Seein' as Adler's a diplomatic representative, he's gotta be extra neighborly to the Antglade, meanin' the one he snuggles up with at night has gotta be either me, or my duly appointed proxy, lil' ol' Miss Burnside.  Take your pick, Adler honey."
*******************************************

I looked away from the Duchess, to avoid the powerful Wiles she was attempting to use on me, and muttered something like "hmm, tough decision."

0619dilemma

It was a tough decision indeed!  Duchess Catherine was certainly more attractive (from a safe distance) than Burnside, but on the other hand she was potentially infinitely more dangerous.  Would I rather be bitten and stabbed to death, or cursed for all eternity?  This was no choice at all!

I was tempted to simply dash away and run screaming into the forest, but it would be unworthy of a scion of Irenaeus to retreat in the face of danger!  This situation called for bold, strategic subterfuge!

"I'm not going to have time for sleeping tonight," I announced sternly so that everyone could hear.  "Her Grace and I have important matters to discuss.  The rest of you may divvy up the Station however you can .. but I warn you, there isn't much room, and the skeleton at the desk will scream if disturbed."

"We've got a nice wagon to relax in," Alice Chetsweeks explained.  A muffled GRONNK from somewhere off on the other side of the Station seemed to corroborate her statement.  "If we're all retiring to quarters, then the three of us will go there."

"So long, suckers," Ratso guffawed.  "Thanks for the ham."

"I have a home of my own, not too far from here," Gertrude sniffed.  "There's no reason for me to hang around, as long as I have Her Grace the Duchess's assurance that my Jack will be repaired."

"My elves are on their way to collect Jack and the maiden," Duchess Catherine said.  "They'll get him back to you in workin' order in two shakes, don't you fret none, sugar."

"Wait a second," I interrupted.  "What exactly are they going to do to the maiden?"

"Don't reckon I should tell you, cause you'll just get all in a tizzy about it," Catherine sniffed.

"I'm not going anywhere til the Breaker of Ill Winds violates me!" the maiden insisted.

"Don't you worry, hon," the Duchess grinned at her.  "You'll get violated plenty where you're goin."

"I'll like, keep her occupied while we wait," Fifi offered.

"Unhand me, Frost-Biter!  I answer not unto thee!"

I didn't like this, but there were just too many things to think about right now.  "SIMMER DOWN!" I ordered the maiden, sternly.  "Go with Frost-Biter and submit to her as you would to me."  Her eyes got very wide, and she quietly let Fifi lead her back into the Station building.

"I wanna see how this turns out," Burnside chuckled as she strolled in after them.

"Give me a slug of that Usquebaugh," I sighed as I pulled up a rocking chair and sat down wearily.  "Then let's talk about whatever it is you came to talk about."

Duchess Catherine produced two earthenware tumblers from her elfintory, handed me one, and poured a generous amount of Usquebaugh into each before placing the jug on the floor and sitting down in another rocker across from me.

0619therethere

"You just relax, Adler honey," she crooned, patting me reassuringly on the knee.  "Everything's gonna work out just fine.  Now that them Vulpy thaumaturgists have un-elfed Estmere, the throne is technically unoccupied.  All you gotta do now is physically remove him from it.  Events have been set in motion that can't be reversed, so there ain't no point frettin' about it.  There's gonna be a rebellion now, because the sitting Emperor is unfit to rule.  You're gonna win the conflict because you're the true Irenaeid descendant, and I'll be helpin' you.  Then you'll be in position to fix the Mistake, either by dissolvin' the Empire, or takin' the crown with me as your Queen.  The choice'll be yours."

"But what'll happen to Estmere and Edessa and their child?" I asked.

"Who cares?" Catherine shrugged.  "Estmere is a hundred percent lowfolk now, so he ain't important.  Their baby'll have zero claim to the Imperial succession no matter what it turns out to be.  Edessa I don't reckon will be much of a problem.  Even if for some reason you don't manage to kill her, she'll have to come past me to get back to Caer Adland."

"I'm not going to kill Queen Edessa!" I exclaimed.

"Sugar, you can't afford to be so sentimental," Catherine chuckled.  "She done tried to kill you twice already, and it's a sure thing she'll try again."

0619messenger

"Forgive the interruption," an Ixie blurted out as she landed on my shoulder.  "Some visitors to see thee, Sire."

The Ixie's presence reminded me of something Ratso had said.

"Did you give the SALVs' gem to that white Scuti from their lab?" I asked.

"Not I, Sire."

"But one of your sisters did, right?" I demanded angrily.  "I gave that to you for safekeeping!"

"We never promised to keep it nor return it to thee," the Ixie shrugged.  "Our duty to the Sisterhood takes precedence over all but an immediate threat to thy safety."

"I am extremely displeased with you right now," I growled sullenly.

"I shall try to endure thy displeasure, Sire," the Ixie sighed with a halfhearted approximation of regret.  "But right now thy new visitors require thy attention."

0619volunteers

I got up and followed the Ixie around the veranda to the front.  There, in the dim dawn light, I saw a trio of armed elves standing on the lawn.

"Hail, Adler the Second," the rat yelled, waving his sword.  "True scion of Irenaeus and rightful King of Faerie!"

"AYE," the badger bellowed.  "WE'LL CLEAR YON LOWBLOOD RUBBISH FROM T'THRONE AND GET 'EE YER PRETTY WEE CROON AND EE'L SAVE US FROM FUMA'S WRATH AND YON GAPS."

"My bow is at your service, Lord," the capped and cloaked elf stated quietly, with a polite nod.

"What in the Netherhells is this," I whispered to the Ixie.

"Tis thy army, Sire," she answered.  "This is but the vanguard.  More of thy supporters are on their way hither from all parts of Faerie."

I tipped my head back and drained my glass of Usquebaugh, but when I looked again, the three rebel fighters were still there.
************************************

0626hectoring

"What are you elves doing here?" I yelled irritably at the assembled vanguard.

"ARRAGH," the badger bellowed as he dodged away from the rat's wildly flailing sword.  "TIS A NEWER KINDER EMPIRE WE'LL BE MAKIN' AYE, WHERE HAGGIS'LL BE RIGHTLY CHERISHED."

"We'll split the false usurper from spleen to gizzard!" the rat yelled as he flung his sword haphazardly into the bushes.  "With a true son of Irenaeus leading us, we'll sow mayhem and victory!"

"Quite," the archer replied stoically.

"You can't stay here!" I shouted belligerently.

"AYE, TIS MARCHIN ON TAE ALBRIC TOR WE BE!" the badger replied, brandishing his axe.

"I can't feed you!" I insisted.

"We'll plunder as we go," the rat enthused as he tugged his sword out of a privet bush.  "It'l be grand!  Just like the old days of the glorious Lacktail!  Three cheers for King Adler!  Hip hip!"

"There's plenty of ham to go around, yall," the Duchess called from behind the Station.

"HOORAY!" all three of the vanguard shouted in unison.

"How do you expect to take Albric Tor with only three fighters?" I demanded.

"Reinforcements are on the way," the archer pointed out.  "Faerie demands a real King.  All thinking elves will rally round the true heir, and none shall rest ere the imposter is unseated from the throne.  Listen!  More arrive even as we speak."

We all stood quietly for a moment, and I could hear baglutes playing in the woods, not far away.  An owl brandishing a forester's axe came stumbling out of the undergrowth.  "Hoo, my axe is at your service, Your Majesty," he hooted enthusiastically.  He was followed by a quartet of green-garbed elves brandishing gardening implements and muttering meaningfully about a "grim harvest."

"Great Fuma," I groaned as more elves began to wander into the clearing from all directions.  "It seems I am now in command of a ragtag army.  I wish Uncle Roland was here; he'd know what to do.  My father deliberately kept me from learning any skills that would be useful here.  I never learned Statecraft!  I don't know how to wield a sword!  I can't even ride an ant, for the Lady's sake!  I'm going to need more usquebaugh."

I glanced beseechingly at my Ixie, but she just shrugged.  "Thou art descended from Irenaeus.  Time to live up to they heritage."

0626badburns

Before I could address my troops again, Burnside suddenly lunged out of the doorway and grabbed me around the waist.

"I just learned an amazing trick," she giggled huskily.

"Have you been drinking?"

"Let me show it to you," the raccoon suggested, with a frightening grin.  "It'll surely make an impression on your army.  Boost their morale the way Irenaeus used to."

0626harkscuti

"Come on, it'll be fun," Burnside insisted as she grabbed my arm and started climbing on me.  "You might even like it, too."

"[i]Hark,[/i]" the Ixie thought at me with Elfmind.  "[i]Dost thou hear that?  Have those Scuti three dared to show themselves?  Are they indeed here?  Pardon, Sire, but I have business with them.[/i]"

0626bodb

I was in the midst of trying to pry Burnside off me and explain that no means no, while my ever-growing crowd of followers shouted bawdy encouragement, when suddenly the Boy Dukes clomped up onto the porch, carrying a locked wooden chest between them.

"Fslrmghuh glugl," Bodb muttered as he looked at me.

"Howdy yall!" Matholwch shouted cheerfully to all of the gathered elves.  "Aunt Mama Your Grace, we brung it like you said, and there's a boatload of ham 'n usquebaugh out back, so you folks just go on and help yourselves."

A hearty cheer went up, and most of my army stampeded around the Station, towards a heavily laden john-boat which had been pulled up among the reeds.

"That's lowfolk ham," I protested weakly, but nobody paid any attention.

0626bwahahaha

"BWAH HA HA HA HAAA!" Duchess Catherine cackled in the most Unseelie manner I had ever seen.  "Bodb, Matholwch, for once in your miserable lives, you boys done real good.  Adler honey, this is it.  The beginnin' of the end.  Let's just open this here box, and I've got somethin' real special to show you that's gonna win you this here war."
*************************************

0703pryoff

As I tried to pry Burnside off of me, I began to think seriously about my situation.

"Hey, c'mon," she protested.  "Give me some carrots and a laundry basket and I'll show you something real interesting."

I ignored her.  I thought about all the parties vying for power in this situation:  Vulpitania, the Antglade, the Sisterhood, F.E.L.F., the Imperial Army ..  Surely this was not the great destiny ordained by my noble lineage, nor even the one the Sisterhood had groomed me for, to be a mere unwitting tool for greater powers behind the scenes.  I was a scion of Irenaeus!  I was fated to rule!  And now, at last, I had an army at my command!  An inexperienced and undisciplined army, but still a fighting force nonetheless.  I could count on their loyalty - at least for now - and deeds of valor combined with victory would surely seal their undying devotion.

What were my strategic options?  Surrender did not seem to be a viable choice now that events were irretrievably set in motion.  Estmere would be safe if I surrendered, but for how long now that open rebellion had broken out?  And with Faerie itself deteriorating around him?  As for me, my brother might forgive my involvement in all of this if I explained it to him, but Queen Edessa was out for my blood .. as would be the majority of my current allies if I betrayed the revolution.  No, there was no choice but to see this through to its conclusion.  Hopefully that would entail Estmere's exile to a safe location .. but it definitely would have to end with me on the throne.

Whose support could I count on, and who were my enemies?  It was easy to see that all of my allies were merely provisional, and their position would change when the situation changed.  Did Vulpitania support my rebellion or were they invested in the sham of an Empire that their agents had created?  It would bear further investigation to find out.

The Duchess of Daisies would back me only as long as I advanced her goals (or at least appeared to do so.)  At the least she wanted the Antglade embargo lifted; at the most she wanted to be Empress.  It would probably be unwise to grant either of those boons, but her assistance in the conflict would be invaluable.  I would have to string her along.

The Sisterhood wanted me to take the crown, marry the missing changeling Zandar Skonk, re-found the Irenaeid Dynasty, and correct the Mistake (the nature of which still had not been adequately explained.)  While I did not necessarily disagree with any of these goals, I resented the way they had manipulated me into this position - and of course they would want to remain in power, insidiously pulling the strings of the Empire from the shadows.  Additionally, I recalled their assurances that bloodshed would not be necessary, which was clearly turning out to be false.  I would have to take what help they could give me, and then turn on them once my own position was secure.

What about F.E.L.F.?  From what little I knew about them, they desired an end to the Empire and a return to the primitive chaos of the Long Ago.  They would probably support my rebellion during its initial destructive phase, and then turn against me once I became the new Emperor.  Ah well, the conflict would bring them out of hiding and into the light.  Once I gained control of the Royal & Imperial Army then I could flush out the ragged remnants of F.E.L.F. and destroy them.

0703sinister

Lost in thought, I let out on unintentionally sinister chuckle.

"Whoah," Duchess Catherine exclaimed.  "You feelin' all right, Adler honey?"

"What an elf!" Burnside tittered excitedly.  "I knew you had an Unseelie side to you!  Wait here and I'll be right back.  Where the carrots at?"

"Well anyway," the Duchess continued.  "My boys done got the chest unlocked, and it seems you're in the right mood to look at this."  She lifted the lid of the chest and rummaged around in it for a few seconds.

0703idjits

"WHAT IN THE NETHERHELLS IS THIS?" Duchess Catherine growled at her son-nephews as she held up a grimy, darkly stained scrap of linen.

"Um, that there, Aunt-Mama, is one of Baby Irenaeus' dirty nappies," Matholwch stammered.  "It's a right powerful relic rescued from the Birthplace Shrine.  Family heirloom too, I reckon."

"How in the name of Fuma's Musk are we supposed to win a war with a box o' filthy ol' diapers and baby clothes?" the Duchess snarled.  "You dad-gum idiots!  You was supposed to fetch the War Chest!"

"Ain't this it?" Matholwch whined while Bodb drooled apologetically.

"No, it ain't!" the Duchess barked.  "Now git back and fetch the right one!  It's behind the casks at the P.I. plant, with a yaller skull painted on the side of it.  And so help me, if you knuckleheads screw up again ..."  She left the threat unfinished as the Boy Dukes scurried away and tumbled into the john-boat.

There was a slight scuffle, as my army insisted on unloading the rest of the ham and usquebaugh before permitting the two skunks to row away.  Their morale seemed to improve as the jugs were passed around, and I heard fragments of a rousing song which seemed to express the hopes that my upcoming military career would include such bold deeds as burning down maidens and ravishing entire villages.

"Like, what's all the ruckus?" SALV Fofox asked as she stepped out onto the porch.

"Vulpitanian methods of subduing prisoners are unorthodox," Ms. Thomson informed me, as she emerged from the building right behind Fifi.  "But I can't say I entirely disapprove.  The lowfolk maiden is sleeping soundly and should not give the Duchess's collection team any trouble."

0703floozies

Any further remarks were cut off by a resounding cry of "FLOOZIES!!" from the army.

"Oh, like hi fellas," Fifi giggled as she waved at the assembled troops.

"Careful," Thomson advised.  "This situation is hard to read.  They are drunk and glutted on ham, but it looks like they are also somehow infused with Persockity Vitality."

Before Ms. Thomson could elaborate on her observations, everyone's attention was diverted by a loud explosion from the other side of the building.  We all ran around to the front of the Station, where we saw a large cloud of smoke and dust rising in the woods about two bowshots from us.  Several trees had fallen and were lying across the clearing that constituted the Station's lawn.

0703treachery

Alice Chetsweeks staggered forth out of the cloud, cradling a white Scuti in her arms.

"Ambushed by Ixies," she declared angrily as she trudged across the lawn towards the building.  "If I find out who ordered the attack, the consequences for that person will be DIRE; that I can promise you.  They've killed Mara, and my friend-mate, and the rat, and they very nearly exterminated Scuti Pr-.. Preston.  He is called Preston.  Your Grace the Duchess!  Do you have any more of those automata, a functioning one which Scuti Preston may use?"
***********************************

0710message

"Sure thang, sugar," the Duchess said, snapping her fingers.  An Ixie flew up, and Catherine turned to instruct it:  "Fly double quick and tell Bodb an' Matholwch to fetch Griff from the P.I. plant."

"Why do you use those treacherous little monsters as messengers?" Alice gekkered as the Ixie flew away.

"Well shucks, missy, they's family," the Duchess said, blinking.  "Oh wait, you mean them Ixies?  Well, they's quick and reliable, so long as you pay 'em good and don't rely on 'em for anythang super important."

"They are evil," the vixen growled.  "Not merely Unseelie, but actually evil."

0710debate

Meanwhile my so-called "army" was growing restless.

"Who sicced the Ixies on the Scutis?" one of them asked another.  "Was it you?"

"Fuma's Rump, no!  I didn't even know Scutis were real until just now!"

"I've never seen an Ixie before today!"

"What's next?  Dragons?" another one piped up.

"Just admit that you ordered the Ixies to attack!"

"Since when have I been able to command Ixies?"

"I don't know!  But you're probably in cahoots with them!"

"Obviously the Duchess of Daisies has them at her beck and call."

"Wait a minute!!  That's THE Duchess of Daisies?  I can't serve a militia with the Fuma-damned Duchess of Daisies at the head of it!"

"No way!  It can't be her.  The Duchess is a hideous monster.  That mephitess is way too hot to ever flay our flesh from our bones and make gumbo out of it and feed it to our next of kin."

"Well who else would be Unseelie enough to command Ixies to blow up a wagon full of Scuti?"

"Scuti are monsters too, you moron.  I don't think it's Unseelie to blow them up."

"How do we know you're not being controlled by a Scuti right now?  They could be ANY of us!"

0710consider

I tuned out the Volunteer Army's moronic squabbling and stared thoughtfully at the white Scuti in Alice's arms.  Her slight verbal slip had not eluded my attention.  Could this creature in fact be [i]Scuti Prime,[/i] the severed tail of Mighty Irenaeus himself?  If so, he was significantly smaller than I had expected.

"Are you going to stare or are you going to do something?" Alice asked sullenly.  "Come to think of it, I recall that you seemed to have a strange rapport with Ixies in the past..."

"I did not order them to attack you," I stated emphatically.  "And I cannot at the moment think of a reason why anybody here would.  Elves do not lie."

"Well unless they decided to do it on their own .. which is unlikely .. somebody ordered them to do it."

"I am just as surprised as you are," I reiterated.  "Consider yourself under my protection.  Whoever did this will have a lot to answer for.  In the meatime, could I offer Scuti Preston the use of the Antglade attache?  She's just about the right size for him, and frankly I'd be glad of the attitude adjustment."

"Scuti Preston has already had to ride too long on an unworthy rump," Alice sniffed.  "Thank you for your dubious offer, but we will wait for the Duchess's automaton."

"[i]I'm not sure about any of this,[/i]" I thought at Ms. Thomson with Elfmind.  "[i]It's unlike the Ominous Orse Ixies to resort to violence - such extreme violence, anyway.[/i]"

"[i]They are not bound by Thorwald's Edict, and cannot be trusted,[/i]" Thomson replied.  "[i]Nor can Scutis, for that matter.  It might be prudent to examine the scene of the catastrophe, just to confirm the vixen's story.[/i]"

"I'm going to go look at the explosion site," I explained loudly for anyone who might care.  "To see if I can see some clues."

0710investigate

We picked our way through a tangle of charred and broken trees to the small clearing where the wagon had once stood.  There was one wheel and part of an axle on the ground, lots of broken crockery, a mangled camp stove, and some chairs.  The battered carcasses of two ants lay among the splintered remains of the front axle and the hitch.  The rat convict was strewn around in chunks just large enough to identify, and Mara Supial's body was lying in a horrible tangle several feet away, with a singed and lacerated white Scuti dangling from a nearby bush.

"Fuma's Mercy!" I choked, trying not to vomit.

"It seems the creature was telling the truth about the fatalities," Thomson observed.  "You had best get used to the sight of death, Highness.  There will undoubtedly be much more before all of this is over."

"You didn't order this, did you?" I asked her.  "Does the Sisterhood want the Scutis eliminated?"

"Now why would we want that?" Thomson asked coolly.

"I don't see any Ixie bodies," I muttered, glancing over the scene again.

"They are so small, if they were caught in the blast they were probably pulverized beyond recognition.  Come now; there's nothing more we can do here, and you have an army to take command of."

When we returned to the Station, Duchess Catherine was digging inside another chest.  Several pieces of ancient-looking armor lay on the ground next to her.

"Is that -" I started to ask.

"Some of Irenaeus's battle gear, yep," the Duchess answered without looking up.  "But that ain't what I was lookin' for, and don't you mess with it neither.  It ain't fittin' for you to wear."

"I am an heir of Irenaeus," I insisted, picking up the helmet and placing it on my head.

0710unfit

"Take that off, boy.  You look ridiculous," the Duchess snorted impatiently.  "I done told you it weren't fittin' and elves don't lie, so what in the Netherhells are you thinkin?"

"Why is it so small?" I asked, crestfallen.  "Is this the Juvenile Training Armor of Irenaeus?"

"No, silly.  Elves in the Long Ago just weren't as big," Catherine explained.  "I reckon, prob'ly like Burnside, they didn't eat right growin' up.  Now where in tarnation is that thang?  I coulda sworn it was right on top, last time I seen it."

"I ain't as impressed as I oughta be," a small voice quipped behind me.
**********************************

0717sass

"Where are your parents?" I asked the impudent possum child.  "Didn't they teach you to respect your elders and betters?"

"You sound just like ol' Silverbrush," the child scoffed.  "Only less intelligent.  My momma's right there, and my pappy's hidin' out somewheres on a secret mission."

"Howdy, Prince Adler," Salmonella Moonbeam sighed as she leaned against the porch rail.  "Don't pay no mind to lil' Lem Junior here.  Can't nobody straighten out that young'un.  Lemmy done tole us all about you, so I figured I'd bring the boy around to take a look while you was right here upside the Antglade."

"My sister was scared to come," Lem Junior sniffed.  "But I ain't scared of nothin, specially not some durn fool with a too-small helmet perched on top of his noggin."

"I am a genuine descendant of Irenaeus, child," I growled.  "Soon I will be Emperor, so you'd best mind your tongue."

"Elves don't lie," the youngster admitted.  "But my pappy may have had some misconceptions concernin' you."

This little pipsqueak was starting to get on my nerves!  I'd show him a thing or two!

I carefully composed some Gramarye in my mind, and concentrated on making the helmet bigger so it would fit my head.

For some reason, it seemed to actually get [i]smaller,[/i] so I redoubled my efforts.

0717chibi

"Think an awful lot of yourself, don't you, Your Headness?" Lem cackled gleefully, pointing at my head.

"Dang it, Adler," the Duchess grumbled over her shoulder.  "I done told you to take that thang off and quit messin' with it.  Was you tryin' to change its size to make it fit you?  Tsk.  You oughta know that Irenaeus' armor would be warded against all kinds of magick.  Think about it.  Would he have wanted some battle wizard a-shrinkin' his armor with him in it?  Course not!  Any spell you cast on it is gonna be reflected right back at you.  Now why don't you give that helmet to the young'un and fix your head, cause I found the thang I was lookin' for."

"Give this priceless Irenaeid artifact to an uncouth elflet?" I asked, outraged.

"Shoot, suits of Irenaeus armor ain't rare," the Duchess replied.  "Did you think he only had one set?  That lil' feller can't do nothin' to hurt it, so let him run along and play."

Lem grabbed the helmet and plunked it onto his own head.  Of course, it fit perfectly.

"Look, ma!  I'm Irenaeus!" he yelled giddily as he dashed off the porch toward the Army.  "Maybe one of them soldiers'll let me borry a sword."

Salmonella sighed, rolled her eyes, and descended the porch steps in slow pursuit of her son.

Duchess Catherine waited for the O'Possums to leave, and for my head to return to normal size, before withdrawing her arms from the chest.  As I looked at her, I could not help but notice that she was normal-sized compared to modern elves - not small, as her explanation of Irenaeus' diminutive stature would have suggested.  But wait .. the Duchess of Daisies didn't actually date back to the Long Ago, did she?  If I recalled my dynastic history correctly, she was Athanasius' niece, which would have made her one of Irenaeus' granddaughters.  I was reluctant to ask her about this, since it was generally considered impolite to inquire about a femme's age or body size.

"So, what's the thing in the crate that you wanted to show me?" I asked instead.  "Is it the legendary shield 'Fuma's Booby' which protects its wearer from all physical assaults?"

"I seem to recollect that thang was burned," the Duchess replied.  "Caer Adland folks didn't like seein' any visual depiction of the Great Auk, least of all one bein' carried into battle by a Mephitist warlord, and they figured it was disrespectful to call the Auk a booby, even though he was acknowledged to be a flunky of the Goddess.  Nope, what I got here is way better'n that."

0717phial

She cozied up next to me and presented a small sulfur-green glass phial.

"This here is the Gladsome Antglade's secret weapon," she whispered with a satisfied smirk.  "My alchemists at the P.I. plant came up with it back durin' the war, but them dang Imperials whupped us before we ever had a chance to use it.  Ol' Silverbrush's durn lithophagous beetles took us completely by surprise, and after it was over we was all trapped here in this swamp with no more use for a secret weapon."

"What is it?" I asked.

"They called it the Plague of Battles," Catherine whispered ominously.  "It causes elves to go into a berserk frenzy."

"So .. I should give it to my army to raise their fighting spirit?"

"Oh heck no!  You put a drop or two on an arrow and shoot it into the enemy camp.  The frenzy is catchin, see, like a plague, and yer enemies'll all start fightin' each other till they ain't none left."

"That's Unseelie," I gasped, horrified.

"That's strategy," the Duchess corrected.  "You ain't gotta use it if you don't want to, but at least the option will be there.  Take it."

I put the phial very carefully into my Elfintory and walked away as Catherine started putting things back into the chest.

Around the corner of the porch, I saw Ms. Thomson leaning on the railing and staring out over the troops as they munched ham, talked, and fought on the lawn.  I paused and eyed her suspiciously.  She had evaded my question earlier, when I asked if the Sisterhood had ordered the Scuti assassination.  Why, indeed, would they do such a thing?  One of the Scuti had helped Estmere sire a child with Edessa, but was that a reason to kill it?  I could not see what that would accomplish.  Killing the Scuti would not undo the pregnancy.  Plus, Scuti Preston would be the likely target in that case, but it had survived the attack.

Perhaps, if Scuti Preston was truly Scuti Prime, the long-lost tail of Irenaeus .. the Sisterhood might have been interested in tying up that loose end, if they thought the Scuti could be contenders for the throne.  But did the Sisterhood even know that the Scuti were descendants of Irenaeus?  The only people who knew were the Scuti, [i]maybe[/i] their hosts, myself, and Avogadro.  Had he told the Marshal?  It was never mentioned during my interrogation and trial.  Who else could have known?  Who else had a reason to attack the Scuti?

0717suspicion

"I'm concerned about this Army, Your Highness," Thomson said as I approached.  "They won't be a match for the Imperial & Royal Army, even in its present state.  The Shrub Auxiliary could even defeat this mob.  They are undisciplined and untrained."

"I'll teach 'em how to kill!" Burnside shouted happily behind me.  She pulled a large knife out of her Elfintory and dashed down the steps into the yard.

"You can't deny their enthusiasm," I pointed out, listening to the boisterous cheers and screams and clattering metal.  "Look, we already have a regimental drummer helping keep up morale."  I pointed to a rotund rodent who was beating out a martial rhythm on an overturned bucket.

"A chubby wombat thumping a tub?" Thomson scoffed.  "IS THAT MUSIC??"

"NOT ANYMORE," I yelled over the racket as a trio of baglute players joined the wombat.
***********************************

http://i1284.photobucket.com/albums/a578/tegerioreo/0724ohcmon_zpsonxrecdm.gif[/img]

"HEY!" I yelled at Burnside as a yowling mob of elves withdrew, leaving her snarling and slashing in a small clear space bespattered with gore.  "Quit carving up my army!  It won't do to massacre them before they've even reached Albric Tor!"

"Ain't my fault they's so delicate," Burnside protested.  "Somebody needs to toughen 'em up, or they'll have no hope of survival."

"I need them to survive their training without being permanently injured," I insisted.  "Put the knife away and switch to something blunt."

"Don't see no point in that," she grumbled as she stowed the blade in her Elfintory.

I reached into my own Elfintory and nervously fingered the phial of Plague of Battles.  I had a terrible, ominous feeling just carrying this stuff around.  Nervously I approached the Duchess of Daisies, who was still re-packing the War Chest.

"Um, about this Plague of Battles," I whispered.  "How dangerous is it, exactly?  Should I worry about it leaking in my Elfintory?"

"The container is magicked so's it can only be opened on purpose," the Duchess grunted.

"How exactly is it used?  I mean, if I was going to use it ..."

"You pull the stopper out and drip two drops on the tip of an arrow.  Don't get any of it on yourself.  Then you'll wanna shoot that arrow right away, because the potion starts releasin' vapors which you don't wanna breathe.  Shoot as far as you can; gauge your target distance beforehand.  You'll also wanna be upwind of the target and preferably uphill since the vapor is like a heavy fog which tends to settle in low spots.  Catch the enemy in a valley and it'll make short work of 'em, but don't stick around to watch.  Shoot and skedaddle.  Get as far away as you can, quick as you can.  Even after the fog clears, the Plague of Battles will still be in the corpses and the ground, so don't go back for plunder.  Anybody pokin' around in a field where this stuff was used'll just stir it up and catch the Plague their own selves.  Takes a long time for it to lose its potency."

"Is there any antidote?"

"Nope."

"That's .. that's insanely irresponsible," I gasped.

"Wouldn't be much of a weapon if there was an effective defense against it," Catherine scoffed.  "A quick-thinkin' magick user could whip up a barrier to keep it out, or a wind to blow it away I reckon .. but by the time they knew what it was they'd have already breathed it and caught the battle frenzy.  And there ain't no castin' spells in a battle frenzy."

I couldn't think of any reply to that, so I peeked over Catherine's shoulder into the chest.

"There's got to be a piece of Irenaeus' regalia in there that I can wear," I murmured, peeking over her shoulder into the chest.  "Come on, I'm his heir and I'm supposed to be leading an army.  I need some powerful token of my Imperial lineage."

0724heryago

"Fine, here," the Duchess sighed, holding an object out toward me.  "This is most likely the only thang what ain't the wrong size for you.  Use it well."

"A tail comb?" I exclaimed.  "How many of those things did Irenaeus have?"

"Every fluffy-tailed elf I know has a couple extry ones to spare," Catherine shrugged.

"Yes, but Irenaeus had no tail!" I retorted.

"He had one when he started, and afterwards he wore a fake tail for a while, which I'm sure needed combin' same as a real one.  Do you want this here ancetral relic or not?"

"I'll take it," I grumped, stuffing the tail comb into my Elfintory and stomping back into the Listening Post.

"If you're going to command a rebel army as a Claimant to the Throne, you need to look more regal," Ms. Thomson confronted me as soon as I entered the room.  "Dispense with your satin Princely Attire, and forget the regalia of an Ambassador to the Antglade.  The Sisterhood has authorised me to present you with this elegant, noble jacket which will inspire awe and admiration in friends and enemies alike."

0724newduds

I put on the new jacket and admired its classy lines and comfortable fit.  This was certainly a step up from my old Dork Suit!

"Ah, you cut quite a dashing figure in that, Your Highness," Thomson sighed dreamily.  "Now, surely, your troops will follow you anywhere."

"Whoah," SALV Fofox concurred.  "Lookin' totally hot there, Prince Adler!"

0724genljr

Meanwhile, the baglute music outside got louder and the army began to chant:  "THREE CHEERS FOR THE LITTLE COMMANDER!  HIP HIP ... HOORAY!!"

A small voice which I could have sworn sounded just like Lem Junior shrieked excitedly:  "Let's march on Albric Tor, fellers, an' kick their Imperial butts!"

The rest of the voice's declarations were drowned out by more cheering and raucous baglutes.

----------------------
Around the other end of the building:

0724thatboy

"That bold young elflet," Griff croaked mechanically while Scuti Preston dangled from its backside.  "He has Fuma's gift of command.  He would make a suitable host for me, one far better than this ungainly Antglade contraption."

"Wait, Sire," Alice Chetsweeks whispered.  "Be not so quick to discount the heir of Irenaeus."
*********************************************

"You know what the Foxspell says," Fifi murmured as she sidled up next to me.  "[i]Verily, a vixen goeth crazy for a sharp-dressed tod.[/i]  Elves don't lie!  You'll like totally look your best though, if you smooth out all of the wrinkles.  Here, stand up straight and I'll like, help you and stuff."

0731smooth

She reached around me and started rubbing her hands over my jacket .. and rubbing something soft against my back, in an obvious effort to work some Wiles.

"So smooooth," she whispered longingly in my ear.

 .. was it just me, or was it starting to get hot in here?

"Knock it off, SALV," Ms. Thomson fumed.  "This is not at all appropriate.  And besides, titillating the Prince is MY official responsibility."

"You should like, delegate," Fifi suggested, letting go of me and primly straightening her jacket.

0731proud

I scurried out onto the porch to get some fresh air, and came up short behind Lemmy and Salmonella.

"Is," I stammered in astonishment.  "Is that [i]kid[/i] leading my army off on an expedition?"

"That's my boy!" Lemmy exclaimed with fatherly pride.

"He's chock full of misguided enthusiasm," Salmonella sighed dreamily.  "It's one of the things I liked about his poppa."

0731charge

"COME ON, FELLERS!" Lem Junior yelled as he marched down the forest road.  "If we hit Albric Tor all of a sudden with overwhelmin' numbers we can take 'em by surprise an' be in the gates afore they even knowed what hit 'em!"

The baglutes stopped playing.  The Army began to visibly droop and shuffle its feet.

"FELLERS!" Lem Junior insisted.  "C'mon!  FORWARD!  CHARGE!  ADVANCE!!"

The Army muttered and swayed uneasily.

"What's wrong with them?" I asked.  "They seemed so enthusiastic to follow his orders a minute ago."

"They's just crashin' from that Persoc-Itoome spiked Usquebaugh," Duchess Catherine replied, from where she was kneeling, still packing the War Chest.  "Persockity Vitality is great while it lasts, but the Netherhells of it is, it don't ever last long enough.  Leaves a body feelin' mighty depleted when it wears off, too."

0731alas

"Alas," she continued, in a suddenly wistful tone which I had not heard her use before.  "Poor Vortigern."

"Who's Vortigern?" I asked, moseying over toward her.

"Just a feller I knew back in the days afore the Antglade fell," Catherine sighed.  "He was a commander in our militia.  By the Lady, what a dashin' officer he made!  I reckon you could say we was sweeties.  We woulda got married just as soon as I got rid of the Duke, but damned ol' Silverbrush's beetles made a tower fall on him, and then we lost the war, and there was a lotta other stuff to worry about.  This here string o' teeth is all that's left to remember him by.  I used to wear 'em til I decided there weren't no use mopin' about the dead no more.  They been in this chest for, oh, I don't know how many years now.  Good ol' Vortigern.  I miss him.  Seems strange I ain't even thought about him in a long time though."

----------------------------------------

0731caution

"Careful how you address me," Griff whispered.  "There may be spies about."

"Perhaps it would be best to draw them into the open," Alice whispered back.  "An unseen enemy is a far greater threat than a visible one.  I want to know who ordered the Ixies to attack us.  Someone here in this camp is dangerously Unseelie."
----------------------------------------------------
Percy le Gobelet was entranced by a mournful voice singing:

[i]I left my home in Athstead,
Headed for the Dachsmark fjord.
But now I feel forgotten by Fuma
And really unbelievably bored.
So I'm perched on the pier in the fjord,
Observing the ebb of the tide.
Perched on the pier in the fjord,
Squandering days.[/i]

0731cave

He peered cautiously into the cave from whence the voice was issuing, and the song stopped.

"What you doin' here, son?" the voice murmured from the shadows.
*********************************************

"So, uh .. what ever happened to the Duke of Daisies anyway?" I asked hesitantly, thinking that the asnwer would greatly affect my future dealings with the Duchess.  "And whose teeth are those?  Vortigern's?"

0807nosy

"They'll be yours if'n you don't quit hasslin' me," Catherine snarled.  "Go on, shoo!  Scat!  Quit bein' so dang nosy, and just let a poor ol' femme reminisce in peace."

0807comewme

"Come with me, Your Highness," Ms. Thomson suggested as she gently took hold of my arm.  "With your army momentarily incapacitated, now is the perfect opportunity for me to give you some lessons in leadership and command.  At any rate, it is high time I started performing my official duties."

------------------------------------

"Those two are up to something," Griff remarked as he watched Thomson and me stroll into the forest.

"Venery would be my first guess," Alice replied with a shrug.

"I am going to follow them and observe," Griff decided.

"If that's what you are into, Sire," Alice commented drily.

"The femme spoke of leadership lessons.  I want to hear what she has to say.  I believe this body can fly, if I just engage this cam -"

He flapped his wings a few times, and then there was a loud snap followed by a metallic ping.

0807brokewing

"Damn," Griff squawked.  "This device has not been properly maintained.  I think a cotter pin rolled into the grass over there.  See if you can find it."

"Even if I could, what would be the point?" Alice inquired laconically.
------------------------------------------------

0807getup

Meanwhile, Lem Junior was haranguing the troops.

"Y'all worms!" the young possum bellowed.  "Wallerin' on the ground like a buncha worms!  Git up!  March!  Albric Tor ain't gonna sack itself!"

"Ssshhh," MacBrock shushed.  "The city'll be there still after we've had a wee kip.  Bide a while, Skipper, a wee while while we all west ... sweet west, sweet swumber ..."

"Dad-gum disgustin," Lem Junior snorted.  "Cain't hold yer Usquebaugh, ya upland softies."

0807bbq

"Don't you fret none, honey," Burnside enthused as she rounded the corner of the building.  She carried an enormous platter laden with steaming hunks of unnaturally juicy meat.  "I got good news what'll put your army back on its feet in two shakes:  I done made us some BARBECUE!!"

----------------------------------------------

0807scry

"Und zo," SALV Chesswick mused as she stared into a scrying orb.  "It vould zeem dot der ancient Meisterscuti is still alive und pilotink ein broken-down old griffin automaton.  Der Duchess uff Daisies is vorkink hand-in-paw mit der Prince.  Adler has made ein midget marsupial his top general but der army is lazy und undiscplined.  Und our agent, SALV Fofox, is zomehow unable to out-floozy der Zisterhood ungulate.  I knew I should haff taken dot assignment myzelf."

"How much of this are we going to tell the Marshal, Auntie?" SALV Silverbrush asked.

"How much of it is useful und not completely silly, liebchen?" SALV Chesswick replied.
**************************************************

0814yummy

"Ach, tis a right fine feed ye've put on, lassie," MacBrock chuckled as he licked his chops and selected another juicy morsel from Burnside's platter of barbecue.

"I'm just tickled you like it," the raccoon beamed.  "I would've fixed some fried green tomaters to go with it, but I figured there wasn't time, what with the war and all, and y'all was lookin' so tired and listless."

"Well these dainty morsels ha' put the life back intae us, nae doubt," the badger enthused between bites.  "Tis delicious!  What exactly is this?  I've never tasted its like before."

"Oh, just some charbroiled possum lumps I found in that clearing yonder," Burnside admitted with a shrug.

-------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, in the Capital:

0814orders

"I delivered thy report but the Marshal did not believe me," the Ixie stated.  "He gave me an even dirtier look than usual, and declared it was preposterous."

"Ach, tis ein shame he does not trust der likes of you," SALV Chesswick sighed.  "But, zen again, perhaps he is vize to be zo cautious."

"He wants to see for himself, firsthand, whatever intelligence thou hast of Adler and his rebel army's activities."

"Very vell.  Ve shall prepare to receive him.  In der meantime, can you deliver ein message to our agent on der scene?"

"Our network can get it to her in short order," the Ixie affirmed.

"Tell her she has full authorization to help der Scuti to take possession of Prince Adler."

"Is that really a wise step to take, Auntie?" SALV Silverbrush inquired.

"Ve must hedge our bets, liebchen," Alberta replied.  "Trust in Der Plan."

--------------------------------------------

In the bushes, not far from the Diplomatic Outpost:

0814bliss

Ms. Thomson sighed and snuggled up against me.

"I thought I was going to teach you something," she purred.  "But instead it's you who have taught me.  I have heard stories of your illustrious mother's prowess, but surely she did not train you in the Sisterhood's arts?"

"No, I learned it from Sheila Na Gig," I admitted.

"Oh.  Well no wonder you were so amazing," Thomson exclaimed, wide-eyed.  "You certainly have all the talent you need to take command of your troops and lead them to victory."

"How exactly will my skills at Wiles and venery help me lead an army?" I asked.

----------------------------------------

Meanwhile, next to the Diplomatic Outpost:

0814lookthere

"Look out, Sire," Alice Chetsweeks snarled as she pointed at a fast-flitting object.  "There flies one of those accursed Ixies, doubtless of the same wicked tribe that bombed our caravan and killed Mara and my friend-mate."

"I have a switch here labeled [i]Basilisk Stare[/i]," Griff croaked.  "Once I get the deplorable beast in my sights, I'll -"

0814popeye

"Confound this broken-down contraption!" Griff squawked angrily as his right eyeball shattered with a pop, a tinkle of broken glass, and a hiss of vapors escaping.  "I demand a proper body!  Where is Prince Adler?"

"He and his floozy stole off in that direction," Alice pointed.

--------------------------------------------

A few seconds later, inside the Diplomatic Outpost:

0814nyeheheh

"I have been sent to relay some new orders to thee from Ambassador Chesswick," the Ixie reported.

"Okay, so like, lay it on me," SALV Fofox replied.

"Um, it was something about giving thee full authorization to take possession of Prince Adler." 

"Finally!" Fifi chuckled.  "At last, the gloves - and, like a lot of other stuff - can come off."

-----------------------------------------------

"Should we really bother the Prince if he is engaged in venery?" Alice asked as the two Scuti ambled innocently around the building.

"It will be the best time to catch him with his guard down," Griff responded pragmatically.

"Good point," Alice concurred.

0814barf

"Oh my," Alice continued as she beheld the spectacle of the Volunteer Army vomiting on the grass.

"Y'ALL IS TOO DURN PICKY!" Burnside yelled indignantly somewhere behind the regurgitating throng.

"This gaggle of silk-stomached weaklings desperately needs my strong command," Griff declared.  "Let's waste no more time."

----------------------------------------------------

Back in the Capital:

0814report

"Excellent work," Theronmyathus rasped as he looked into the scrying orb and beheld the vomiting troops.  "This will help to weaken the rebels' resolve and delay their advance.  We have time now to strengthen our Shrub patrols along the approaches to Albric Tor.  Keep up your sabotage work, and we may not even have to fight them at all.  This untrained rabble is not used to the hardships of a campaign.  If we play this right, they'll give up long before they come within sight of our walls."

"Never, um, never doubt Der Plan, Herr Marshall," SALV Chesswick replied nervously.
************************************************

0822snip

"Hey, what's that for?" I asked as Thomson suddenly pulled a pair of scissors out of her Elfintory and snipped a lock of my hair.

"With this and a generous sample of your seed, which I have already obtained, " she explained, "I can ensure your cooperation with the Sisterhood's plans."

"Pretending to be impressed by your venery partner," I gaped.  "The oldest Wile in the book!  I can't believe I fell for it!"

"I really was impressed," Thomson grinned.  "But I would never let it interfere with my mission."

"I'm going along with your plans!" I protested.  "You don't need to do this!"

"It never hurts to be sure."

0822bargein

Suddenly a hideous birdlike monster with a pair of shears for a hand burst through the underbrush!

"Sorry, kid," it squawked mechanically.  "But I need your body.  Turn around and bend over.  It'll only hurt for a second, and then we can take command of those troops."

I cringed away from the horrible thing, but there was no comfort there - only Ms. Thomson.

0822badfifi

"Like, stay right where you are, Your Hot Highness," SALV Fofox chuckled as she slunk through the bushes from the other direction.  "I need your body, and at last I totally have authorization to make you mine.  Don't worry, I think you'll like it."

I cringed away from Fifi, but there was no comfort there - only Ms. Thomson and the automaton.

The hungrily grinning SALV crept closer .. the automaton raised its ghastly claw ..

0822hurrah

.. the next thing I knew, I was standing in the clearing, naked.  I had my Elven Bow in my left hand, and I was carrying Burnside with my right arm.  The raccoon femme was giggling ecstatically - and she seemed to be naked also.  Both of us were spattered with something dark and sticky.

The Volunteer Army was brandishing its weapons enthusiastically and chanting my name:
AD-LER-YOUNG!!
AD-LER-YOUNG!!
AD-LER-YOUNG!!
******************************************

0828recall

Despite the Army's raucous shouting, and Burnside's nonstop attestations of love and desire as she attempted to nuzzle and kiss me, my head began to clear .. and I began to recall, with mounting horror, what had happened in the woods a short while earlier.

"Ms. Thomson betrayed me," I murmured bleakly.  "SALV Fofox approached me with some of the scariest-looking Wiles I have ever seen .. and some sort of mechanical bird showed up to menace me with a set of steel shears."

"I reckon so, darlin," Burnside cooed.  "You ready to love me up again yet?"

0828whoah

"The bird swung its chopping arm," I continued, remembering.  "I ducked, and Fifi backed away just in the nick of time to avoid getting her snout chopped off."

"Sounds excitin, sugar," Burnside giggled.  "I'm ready to go again now."

0828lop

"The bird cursed and ordered me to stay still," I recalled.  "It was flailing wildly.  I think maybe it was malfunctioning or something.  It swung again, I ducked, and .. it .. it chopped off one of Thomson's horns!  Great Fuma, her scream was chilling .."

"Yeah, that's what got my attention at first," Burnside admitted.

"There was blood," I remembered with a shiver.  "So much blood.  I couldn't believe it.  I thought their horns were just dead material, like claws or hair."

"You'd be surprised," Burnside chuckled.  "Near as I can tell, it's more like a tooth."

0828thenwhat

"I don't remember what happened next," I said, scowling at Burnside.  "How did I wind up out here, carrying you?  And why are you naked?"

"Well, like I said, I heard the Floozy scream, so I come over real quick to check it out," the raccoon explained.

0828pincushion

"I could see clear across the clearin' big ol' Griff a-standin' there, leanin' into the bushes, with that nasty ol' Scuti hangin' off of him, so I figured he was up to somethin'.  Right about the time I got up to him, I heard a noise like a volley of arrows, and Griff fell back with pert' near a whole quiver stickin' in him.  The Scuti slithered into the bushes quicker'n a copperhead.  I never knew they could move that quick.  Before I could even think, he was gone - and then I started hearin' the most interesting noises from back in the bushes."

0828supyall

"Well, I peeked in through them bushes and what did I see but Ms. Thomson layin' there lookin' mighty dead, and you a-ravishin' that ol' Vulpy gal senseless.  Well sir, I had to speak up, so I says 'What yall doin in here?  Looks like fun!  Mind if I join ya?' and you turned, and you gave me a look that was so lecherous and Unseelie, why, it plum like to give me chills right down to the tips of my toes."

"Before I could even finish unbuttonin' my blouse, you was a-lungin' at me and a-tearin' my clothes off.  You ravished me right there on top o' poor ol' Ms. Thomson, and then you drug me out into the clearin' and ravished me again in front o' the entire Army.  They was all a-cheerin' and carryin' on about how you was a true Son of Irenaeus, and I seem to recollect swearin' by Fuma an' all the trees of the woods that I would stick by you an' serve you as my liege lord.  Meant every word, too.  I ain't never met an elf like you.  After that, you ravished me one more time for good measure, and now here we are."

"ALL HAIL THE RIGHTFUL KING OF FAERIE!" the Army shouted as Burnside finished her tale.  I waved them to silence.

"So .. was Ms. Thomson dead?" I asked, uneasily.

"She sure looked it," the raccoon femme shrugged.

"What about Fifi Fofox and the Scuti you saw?"

"I dunno, but we can go back to the spot an' look for 'em," Burnside suggested.  "I'm a purty good tracker, so if they ain't there, I can maybe get some idea which way they went."

0828spoor

We returned to the spot marked by the wreckage of Griff lying in the grass.  There was no sign of Ms. Thomson's body, nor of Fifi and the Scuti.  Burnside crouched and looked at the ground.

"There's the spot where she was layin," Burnside said, pointing at some grass that was matted and stained with blood.  "She either got up on her own, or somebody came and carried her, off toward the northeast.  Took the cut-off horn with 'em too."

"And the others?"

"Don't know about the Scuti, but it looks like Fofox took off in the opposite direction," Burnside explained, pointing at some broken underbrush.

I could not suppress a sick, sinking feeling as I pondered the ramifications of these events.  Had I just angered the Sisterhood, the Scuti, and Vulpitania all in one reckless blood rage?  Not that I liked any of those groups, but still - considering my current state of conflict with the Imperial Crown, I'd have preferred to have them as allies rather than enemies.

"If you're feelin' up to it, I sure could use another ravishin' right about now," Burnside suggested.

-------------------------------------

A little distance away:

0828disgrace

"This is humiliating," Fifi grumbled as she lashed both of her tails irritably.  "Look at me; I'm a vixen!"

"There are worse things to be, Sire," Alice stated blandly.

"In all the writhing and confusion, I bit the wrong behind," Fifi lamented.  "I can't believe I made such a stupid mistake!  This body is .. SULLIED.  It is still tingling with afterglow, and positively awash with feminine hormones.  Disgusting!  I think I'm going to be sick!"

"Should we remove her original tail, Sire?" Alice asked politely.

"No, we cannot afford to anger the Vulpitanians right now; and besides, I don't intend to keep this body.  My destiny is not to be a vulpine Floozy.  I must go back and claim Adler .. but he is cleverer than I thought.  We need a plan."
---------------------------------------------------

Back in Albric Tor:

0828lemesee

"HEY!  C'mon Auntie!" SALV Silverbrush protested, as SALV Chesswick covered her eyes.  "Can I look now?  Is the grody stuff over yet?  I could be missing out on valuable information here!"

"Patience, liebchen," Alberta replied as she peered into the scrying orb.  "Our primary agent is compromised, und I am not zo sure ve can trust der Scuti.  Fuma in Himmel," she continued, under her breath.  "Der Prince is ein ANIMAL!  Ein zavage BEAST!  I [i]knew[/i] I should haff taken zat assignment myzelf..."
*************************************

0905gloat

"What a show!" Duchess Catherine chuckled from the shade of the Diplomatic Outpost porch.  "I reckon this changes things a bit, don't it?"

"Three different factions tried to conquer me, and they failed!" I exclaimed.  "Now they scatter in disarray to await my wrath!  You'd best keep that in mind, Your Grace, if you would parley with me!"

0905helmet

"Here," Lem Junior said as he suddenly walked up to me and bashfully handed me Irenaeus' helmet.  "I reckon you got the balls to wear this after all.  Both figuratively and literally.  Sorry I made fun of you earlier."

"Apology accepted, young elf," I replied, taking the helmet.  "Let that be a lesson to you, not to be so quick to judge others."

0905parenting

"BY FUMA'S EVER-FRAGRANT RUMP!!" MacBrock bellowed.  "What's a wee bairn, a mere elflet, doing here amidst these bawdy and lecherous troops?"

"You is one of the lecheriest your own self," Salmonella scoffed.  "Wasn't you carryin' the boy on your shoulders just an hour ago?"

"You're an irresponsible parent!"  MacBrock bellowed.  "If ye were the lad's father, why, I'd sock ye a good one."

"I ain't a baby," Lem Junior grumbled.  "I'll be old enough to ravish femmes purty soon, and didn't nothin' happen here that I don't already know about."

"We're raisin him proper," Salmonella insisted.  "When he comes of age we'll send him to Antglade Station for the Duchess's right of the first night, and then he'll marry up with a nice possum gal."

0905itfitsnow

I left them bickering and trudged up onto the porch.

"Why Adler honey, you ain't decent," the Duchess exclaimed breathily.  "I might just come down with a case of the Vapors."

"I'm sure," I retorted.  "Might you have any idea why Irenaeus' helm fits me now, after it didn't before?"

"I reckon you musta proved you was elf enough to wear it," she replied with a grin.

"He sure is," Burnside enthusiastically agreed.  "The elfliest elf you ever did see!"

"You want the rest of Irenaeus' battle regalia?" Catherine asked.  "I think I got a codpiece with leather breeks and braces in the chest here.  Course the britches don't have a tail hole in 'em."

"No thanks," I said, removing the helmet and handing it to her.  "I think I prefer my silk jacket .. if I can find it.  The helmet is hot and heavy, it smells funny, and it crushes my ears.  Though your mention of tail holes reminds me that I should protect my posterior from potential Scuti attack.  I don't suppose .."

"Adler honey, nobody has ever made butt armor," the Duchess chuckled while shaking her head.

Perhaps I could formulate some Gramarye for that.

"Are there any more automata which the Scuti might be able to use?" I asked.

"Well there's Jack, but he's malfunctionin'.  And besides, they'd have to get clear into the Antglade to fetch him.  Seems mighty unlikely."

"Hmm.  Well I need to find some clothes .." I started.

"What for?" Burnside interjected.

"And then maybe we can discuss strategy," I finished.

-----------------------------------------------

Excerpted from the [i]Chanson du Percy le Gobelet.[/i]

Hark!  Percy heard a maiden sobbing somewhere deeper in the forest.  How could this fair land contain so much sorrow and strife, he wondered to himself.  Wrapped in such musings, he left the Melancholy Bard's cave and went in search of this new adventure.

"Oh brave sir," the beauteous maiden cried upon seeing him.  "My beautiful horn is cleft in twain, and I am injured from assault by a dastardly villain, from whom I fled precipitately, leaving all behind, including my raiment.  I am disfigured, and compelled to clothe myself in leaves, after the manner of the most primitive of our kind.  Oh weal, oh woe."

0905glue_zpsaisd8peb.gif[/img]

"Fret not, fair damsel," quoth Percy, nobly leaping to the maiden's aid.  "Though I am but a lowly scribe by trade, I have a pot of bookbinder's glue upon my person, which should most admirably mend thy horn."

"Oh clever sir, it is truly a stroke of divine luck that you happened by."

0905leanonme

After mending her horn with glue and a piece of gay ribbon, brave Percy helped the maiden to her hooves.

"Lean upon me," he said most nobly.  "I shall carry you where you wish to go."

"I am bound for the capital of Elf-Land," the maiden explained.  "It is far, and not for the eyes of mortals to behold."

"I shall close my eyes," Percy promised, with many valiant vibrations.  "Only let me aid thee, most beauteous lady, and I shall be content.  Otherwise how shall you make the journey in your present state?"

"Seriously, I shall be fine," the maiden reassured him.  "But I must make all haste back to the capital, to report to my superiors -"

0905orders

Before the maiden could finish talking, LO!  A bright and sparkling lady-bug flew toward them, and spoke thusly:

"Belay thy journey to Albric Tor; thou art not to abandon thy post!  Wouldst leave the Prince with no Sisterhood agents to watch over him?"

"She hath a point," the maiden sighed as the insect flitted away.  "But the Prince waxeth powerful.  I must first take steps to assure my own safety."

0905poppet

"What manner of sorcery do you wreak there?" Percy asked.

"A poppet I make, from a tuft of Adler's fur and a dab of his Masculine Essence.  With this, I can influence his will and make him compliant with my designs."

"Adler, say you?" Percy gasped.  "I am well familiar with this dastardly white skunk-elf and his impolite deeds."
****************************************************

I needed to get dressed!  Walking around naked may have been fine for the elves of old, but we were civilized.  I had an army to lead, and some delicate negotiations to make with the Duchess of Daisies!  I started toward the clearing where our recent tussle had taken place, but then paused.

What if Thomson was lurking somewhere nearby?  Or SALV Fofox could be waiting to pounce me .. or that horrid Scuti could be crouching in the bushes, waiting for me to bend over and pick up my clothes.  Perhaps it would be safer to order some of my soldiers to search for my missing garments.  It would give them something to do, and help me get accustomed to the feeling of being in command.

Then again, what would Irenaeus think of me ordering my men into danger that I myself was unwilling to face?  The mighty Lacktail King never commanded from the rear!  He was always in the thick of battle, taking the greatest risk, inspiring his followers to ever greater excesses of valor!

0911think

I decided to try to use magick to fetch my clothes.  This way I could avoid an ambush without letting my men know I was afraid of an ambush.  Besides, it would be good practice.  As Burnside and the Duchess watched curiously, I focused my mind and pictured my clothes in as much detail as I could recall.  I reached out toward the spot where the clothes were lying .. I carefully composed the Gramarye to bring the clothes to me and place them on my body...

0911clothpook

With a soft "pook" my garments apported onto me.  EALA!  It worked!  I actually did it!

"Not bad," the Duchess murmured approvingly.  "Now that the Prince is dressed, I reckon you better put some clothes on too, Burnside honey."

"Okay, if I have to," Burnside sighed.

0911watchback

"I still need a way to protect my tail," I mused, craning my head around to examine the construction of my jacket's tail slit.  "No telling when or where that Scuti will return for me."

"I'll watch your back, darlin," Burnside purred.  "Ain't nobody but me gonna be layin' a finger nor a tooth nor nothin' on my sweet thang, not while I'm on the job."

I didn't quite like the tone of Burnside's offer, but decided it was best to play along.  As long as the raccoon was hanging around me, she couldn't be off wreaking havoc somewhere else.

0911conference

"I reckon we got some thangs to discuss now," the Duchess grinned.  "Seems you is all outta friends after this lil' ol' ruckus."

"The Scuti attacked the Sisterhood floozie," I retorted.  "So they can settle that between themselves.  I had nothing to do with it."

"Good luck convincin' them that."

"I don't care what they believe.  I am integral to the Sisterhood's plans, and they cannot afford to lose my goodwill.  Hmm .. though in that case, why would Thomson try to use domination Wiles on me?  Surely they wouldn't authorize that."

"Mighta been insurance," the Duchess theorized.  "Or maybe Ms. Thomson was actin' on her own.  Ain't so far-fetched to imagine a femme might wanna keep you all to herself.  Anyhow, I wouldn't worry too much about it.  All this means is, you can't trust 'em; but you knew that already, didn't you?"

"True.  I'm more worried about the Vulpitanians.  I have no idea what they're up to .. and they seem to be working with the Scuti.  I can't figure that out."

"Scuti's a means of control," Catherine explained.  "Which is useful if you got control o' the Scuti.  But I ain't so sure they do.  Everybody's got their own agenda, and they ain't none of 'em got your best interests at heart.  And don't forget that Queen Edessa is plum out to get you.  I'm the only friend you got right now."

"Uh-huh.  And what is it you want?" I asked cynically.  "My assurances that I'll make Gladsome Antglade great again?"

"Honey, the Antglade is already great," the Duchess asserted.  "We just wanna be free an' have the same opportunities as other elves.  Plus I wanna be Empress.  It ain't much to ask."

"I've got a pretty good claim of legitimacy for the Crown," I mused.  "Maybe I could rally the Church to my side if I could demonstrate my right, and the fact that Fuma supports my claim."

"Does she now?  Well, my advice is, whatever you do, do it quick, because the longer you poke around, the more time they got to prepare their defenses.  You don't wanna let Adland send reinforcements to the capital now, do ya?"

"Could they even get there through the Gaps?"

"Prob'ly bout as quick as you could," she answered with a shrug.

---------------------------------------------------------

Further excerpts from the [i]Chanson du Percy:[/i]

0911yopercy

"I am grateful to thee for the loan of thy smock," quoth the elf-maiden.  "Truly it is less itchy than my rude covering of leaves."

"Tis but nothing," brave Percy chirped, with a wave of his magnanimous wing.  Well he knew that this fair elf were best humored, else she suddenly haul off upon him as she had done at the rabbit-folks' ceremony; for truly, wise Percy was well aware that this was the self-same elfess.  But his everlasting curiosity, as always, overrode his caution and prompted him ever on the path of adventure.

0911magick

"We draw near," the elf whispered.  "Before I face my lord, I must work certain charms to make him feel amorous and susceptible to my Wiles.  He will be in a mood to acquiesce, and forget that I ever attacked him."

Percy watched carefully to see all that the elfess did with her white, twine-tied poppet.

------------------------------------------------

Somewhere else, not far away:

0911urges

"Eala," Fifi groaned.  "Ugh, this body is corrupt and full of unspeakable urges.  All of a sudden its loins are starting to quiver."

"Prince Adler is said to have a powerful Mojo, Sire," Alice pointed out.  "And he did ravish that body just before you took possession of it, so it's not surprising -"

"The craving is not for him," Fifi snapped.  "It is for that beautiful seductress, the Sisterhood Floozy."

"You mean, Ms. Thomson?" Alice asked with a slight touch of surprise.

"Is that her name?"  Fifi asked sleepily.  "Thomson?  Thomson.  Thomson, Thomson, Thomson.  It rolls pleasantly off the tongue.  Thomson.  Tongue.  Thomson.  Hmmmmm..."

------------------------------------------------

And back at the Rebel Camp:

0911benedictio

"Aye, tis a fine, bonny thing," MacBrock chuckled as he gave me a brisk Benedictio Interfalangeal.  "Tae undergo this noble an' ancient ceremony, t'show all yon elves, each an' every one, that Fuma's blessed ye t'be our War Chief.  After this, Highness, we'll be bound by a sacred bond t'follow ye tae th'Netherhells an' back if ye should so command."
********************************************

After receiving a [i]Benedictio[/i] from EVERY MEMBER of the Volunteer Army, my head was throbbing.  I was in no condition to negotiate matters of strategy and Statecraft with the Duchess of Daisies!  Yet, that is exactly what I was going to have to do.  I was momentarily tempted to ask Lady Fuma for strength and wisdom to get through this ordeal, but then I remembered that she had already blessed me with Luck.  What more could I possibly need?

0917negotiate

"Well," I began, diplomatically rubbing my tender scalp.  "Now I officially command an army.  Help me invade Albric Tor and take the crown, and I'll do what I can about easing the embargo and counteracting the geas against you and your people."

"Adler honey, why would I do that?" the Duchess smirked.  "The geas is lifted when the Empire falls.  Didn't you notice Burnside runnin' around wherever she pleased?  Our restrictions done been lifted, I reckon on account of the current Emperor not bein' no proper Elf."

"Does that mean you are free to leave?" I asked nervously.

"Well, no, I still ain't," Catherine admitted with a shrug.  "Burnside's only half-Antgladian, so she's got some wiggle room.  Plus I got geased twice as hard as ever'body else, but still - the Empire is endin' and I'll be free purty soon.  I'd be a fool to help you get the crown and reinstate the Empire .. unless you was gonna make me Empress.  I could see my way to helpin' you if that was on offer."

"I think I'm sort of in a relationship with Burnside now," I theorized.

"Honey, the King can have concubines.  Lil' Burnside'd make a fine Floozy."

"She's right, I would," Burnside confirmed.

"Well, I don't know how much use your people would be to me, since most of them still can't leave the Antglade," I countered.

"We'd keep reinforcements from comin' up from Caer Adland," Catherine offered.  "And we can distract the Vulpitanians.  Seems to me them foxes is interested in maintainin' this here half-assed Empire, that they think they can control with Scuti.  Last thing they want is a bona-fide heir of Irenaeus on the throne.  But we can keep 'em off your back."

"Very well," I sighed reluctantly.  "If I prevail then I promise, after I am crowned, to come back here and get you."

"And marry me and make me Empress?" the Duchess prompted.  "Elves don't lie, sugar."

----------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, in the [i]Chanson du Percy[/i]

0917grrr

"SEDUCTRESSSS," the mad vixen snarled lustily as she licked her ravenous chops.

"Right there," bold Percy pointed helpfully.  "Don't mind me; I'm just an observer."

"Please, Sire, this is extremely embarrassing," the well-dressed vixen protested.

"Now hold on a second," quoth the hoofed maiden.

--------------------------------------------

Back in Albric Tor

0917dontlook

"AUNTIE!!" SALV Silverbrush protested.  "Come on!  I totes can't see what's happening!"

"You are schtill too young for zis filth, liebchen," SALV Chesswick replied, while covering the younger vixen's eyes.

"But venery is like, the Blessed Sacrament of Fuma!" Sofia pointed out.  "I need to know about it as part of my cultural education."

"Not zis kind, liebchen," Alberta insisted.  "Zis is der extra naughty kind vhich you mustn't see until you are much older.  Ach, zat SALV Fofox is ein dizgrace to der uniform!  Or she vould be, if she vas schtill vearing one."

---------------------------------------------

0917warning

Before I could respond to the Duchess' prompting, Lemmy barged onto the porch.

"Sorry to interrupt, Your Highness, Your Grace," he blurted, with fortuitous timing.  "But I have witnessed something naughtier than is usually seen around these parts, and quite appalling in its implications."

"This better be important, Lemmy," the Duchess muttered grimly.

"Oh it is, ma'am.  The Vulpitanians and the Scuti have formed an Unseelie union with the presumed Sisterhood agent, and she is headed this way with every appearance of looking for trouble."

"Well she's a-gonna find it," Catherine hissed.

Despite the fact that this news should have alarmed me, I found myself feeling incredibly sleepy.  How long had it been since I had taken any decent rest?  It seemed like it had been a while ...

------------------------------------------------------

Heading this way:

0917illgetyou

"Now, Adler," the maiden growled as she brandished the poppet.  "I have what I need to make you mine."

"What should I do with this lowfolk, Sire?" the stylish vixen asked.
******************************************

Continuing from the Chanson du Percy:

0925whatlowfolk

"What lowfolk?" the hoofed maiden imperiously demanded, as noble Percy bravely flew into the forest's concealment.

"He was here just a moment ago," the stylish vixen replied in perplexity.

"Never mind!" the maiden snapped.  "He cannot last long out here, a lowly lowfolk lost in the savage forests near the Gladsome Antglade.  We have more important matters to deal with!  Come!"

0925youok

After those two left, Percy heroically flapped down from the tree in which he had sought refuge.  He approached the white vixen, lying prone upon the ground, and helped her to sit up.

"Like hi, bird," she greeted him drowsily.

"Art thou okay, my lady?" Percy asked, with chivalrous solicitude.

"I feel really good, actually," the vixen sighed.  "Like I just had a whole lot of really satisfying venery .. but I don't remember any of it too clearly."

"Well, I took notes in case you -" Percy began.

"It's okay, dude.  All I can think about right now is that hot Ms. Thomson.  She must have like, cast a spell on me or something.  I've gotta find her."

"Permit me to accompany you, fair lady," Percy requested with a polite bow.

"Whatever turns you on, man," the vixen graciously allowed.  "Where's my clothes?"

--------------------------------------------

0925weary

"I need to get some sleep," I mumbled drowsily as I stumbled across the veranda of the Diplomatic Outpost.  "I just need to curl up for a while with my ultra-attractive Floozy, Ms. Thomson.  She's the best.  I think I'll make her my Queen.  And that Scuti is all right in my book.  He can be Regent and I'll just take a long, long nap ..."

"My liege!" Burnside exclaimed.  "What's gotten into you?  Don't tell me that lil' ol' bit of ravishin' done drained you of all your fightin' spirit!"

"Looks to me like the boy's went and got himself enchanted," the Duchess muttered darkly.  "Let's foller him and see where he goes."

0925attack

A few seconds later, Thomson burst out of the bushes, with Alice following close behond her.  Thomson held the poppet aloft while Alice brandished a set of silver-steel choppers.

"COME TO ME, ADLER YOUNG!" Thomson demanded.

"On my way," I muttered as I stumbled sleepily across the lawn.

"Uh .. sire?" Alice whispered as she noticed a swarm of Ixies staring to gather.  "Sire, we may want to rethink this.."

"Don't interrupt my moment of triumph, young one!" Thomson snapped angrily.

0925dontmess

"Not sure who you thank you are, missy," the Duchess hissed.  "But I reckon you is countin' your ants before they's hatched.  You wanna get to Prince Adler, first you gotta deal with lil' ol' me."

"And lil' ol' me!!" Burnside added, as she pulled several dangerous-looking blades out of her Elfintory.

"And us!" the Ixies chimed in, as sparks began to flicker in the air around them.

0925withdraw

"Forgive me, Sire," Alice exclaimed as she yanked the white Scuti free of Ms. Thomson's rump.  The creature hissed furiously and waved its tiny arms.  "We are outnumbered.  There's no way we can prevail against the Duchess of Daisies and her murderous midget, [i]and[/i] a swarm of the same vicious monsters that blew up our caravan and killed Mara."

Ms. Thomson collapsed unconscious on the ground.  Alice, firmly grasping the thrashing Scuti in one hand, began to slowly back up toward the edge of the woods.

---------------------------------------------------

0925book

"Here, liebchen," SALV Chesswick said, as she continued to peer intently into the scrying orb.  "It zeems you haff reached der age vhen you are becomink curious about zuch matters.  Zis book has helped many young Vulpitanians through zis dificult time.  It helped me vhen I vas your age, und I now pass it on to you."

SALV Silverbrush examined the book's cover.  "YOUNG MONOCLED PATRIOT PRESENTS:  EVERYTHNG U ALLWAYS WANTED 2 NO ABOUT TEH SMEX BUT WER TOTES AFFRAID 2 ASK!!1!" 
******************************************************

1002gotpoppet

"Somebody seize them!" I yelled as I lunged toward Thomson and yanked the little hair-poppet out of her unconscious hand.  "Unseelie trophy!  I must destroy this accursed thing immediately!"

1002holdon

"Hold on a second, Adler honey!" the Duchess warned from the porch.  "That thang ain't been -"

1002burn

Ignoring her, I magicked the unholy object into flame and then dropped it as I screamed in agony.  I felt as though my fur was on fire!  I flung myself to the ground and began frenziedly rolling around.

1002stomp

In my confusion I seemed to see Burnside run up to me, and then suddenly I was crushed by a series of heavy blows that seemed to break every bone in my body!  I lost consciousness as my breath was forced out of me.

-----------------------------------------

Meanwhile, in the [i]Chanson du Percy[/i]

"Thanks again for the loan of your outer uniform," gallant Percy reiterated as he adjusted the fine elfin garments about his person.  "Are you sure you don't need it?"

"This is like, why I have a second uniform in the first place, dude," the vixen replied.  "Don't worry about -"

1002fifiburn

Suddenly the vixen screamed and contorted wildly!

She dropped to the ground and began to thrash about, then her body was wracked with violent spasms!

With a mighty wheeze, she stopped flailing and lay insensible upon the forest floor!

1002fifiout

"What mysterious ills these elves fall prey to," Percy mused philosophically.  "I never would have suspected Faerie to be such a dangerous place."

--------------------------------------------------

1002awaken

The next thing I knew, I was being lulled back to wakefulness by the rocking motion and creaking of an antcart.  I lay on my back and watched the treetops glide slowly past until I realized that my head was resting in Burnside's lap.

"What happened?" I murmured sleepily.

"Back with us, sugar?" she asked quietly as she stroked my hair.  "You been out for a while.  Her Grace got your troops provisioned and loaded you in this here cart, and we is now underway to the Capital.  Not many elves coulda survived the burnin' of their own bonded Hoodoo Wiles Poppet, but you is strong.  You got the Irenaeid blood in you for sure."
*******************************************

"I still ache all over," I muttered.  "But at least I'm well away from that treacherous Floozy, Ms. Thomson."

1009glowering

"I had only your destined greatness at heart, Your Highness," Thomson insisted grimly from the other side of the cart.

"What in Fuma's name is she doing here?" I inquired.

"She's your prisoner, Adler honey," Burnside explained.  "The Duchess figured this here Sisterhood agent was too dangerous to let outta your sight, and the consequences of killin' her'd be detrimental to your success.  The Sisterhood may not be exactly on your side, but at the moment at least they ain't against you."

"All our hopes for Elvenkind rest on Adler Young," Thomson declared.  "We want to ensure that he succeeds."

"You think he can't triumph on his own?" Burnside snorted.  "He don't need none o' your magickal control.  I seen what this here skunk can do, Sister."

Thomson just scowled sullenly and said nothing.

----------------------------------------

In the [i]Chanson du Percy:[/i]

1009station

It was with great feelings of relief that brave Percy emerged from the underbrush to behold a trim little cottage nestled neath an overspreading cypress tree in a damp forest clearing.

"Lo!" he sighed.  "Long have I hefted this comely vixen 'crost hill and dale.  Verily, she is heavier than she looketh.  Twill be nice to set her down for a while.  Mayhap whomever lives in yon shack will offer succor and elfly hospitality."

As Percy staggered mightily toward the structure, the vixen began to wake.

"Like, what's going on?" she mumbled.  "Oh cool .. how'd we get back to the Antglade Diplomatic Outpost?  Like where is everybody?"

"Let us hail the inhabitants and ask them for aid," Percy suggested.

"Nah," the vixen replied as she strode up the steps and opened the door.

Someone inside screamed briefly, then exclaimed "FROST-BITER!"

Percy cautiously entered the shack to behold the sacrificial maiden from the bunny tribe.

"Thou again!" the rabbit maiden exclaimed.  "Is't thy life's ambition, to always intrude where thou'rt not wanted?"

1009frostbiter

"Don't worry about the bird," the vixen purred as she sidled up to the maiden.  "He won't come between us, you delectable morsel you."

"Oh, Frost-Biter!" the maiden giggled.  "Art thou going to do Unspeakable Things to me again?"

----------------------------------------------

1009woo

Suddenly for some reason I started feeling strangely amorous.

"Their plan is for the birds," I murmured to Burnside.  "The Sisterhood won't come between us, you delectable morsel you."

"Oh Adler honey!" Burnside giggled girlishly.  "Surely you ain't a-gonna ravish me right here in this cart in front of everybody!  Lemme get comfortable first."

"Nothing unseemly," I cooed.  "Just a kiss for my right-hand femme."

Burnside and I smooched while Thomson muttered darkly to herself, and the army struck up a rousing martial song:

[i]OH we're off to Albric Tor to kick some skunky butt,
Put Adler on the throne and then he'll be the King, eh what?
We'll overthrow the King, oh yes Adler is his name.
The skunks have fouled up everything and they're the ones to blame.
So on to victory, lads, we'll put the skunks to rout.
Young Adler is our Emperor, let's drive the Emperor out![/i]

1009halt

I honestly wasn't paying much attention to the singing, until suddenly it stopped and the cart came to a halt.

"HOLD!" Brother Matthias yelled from where he stood in the road.  "What army is this, and for what purpose does it march?"

--------------------------------------------------------

After taking careful note of the elf vixen's greeting to the rabbit maiden, who seemed now by some strange spell to have become the mistress of this house, noble Percy examined the skeleton seated at the desk in the cottage.  He was careful not to touch anything.  Obviously everything here must be heavily enchanted.  He must keep his wits about him whilst the two exhausted femmes dozed.

1009whatgoeson

Suddenly a mephitic face with eerie blank eyeballs peered in at the open door!

"What in tarnation is goin' on in here?" the newcomer demanded.
***************************************************

"WE'RE GONNA TEACH YE A LESSON YE'LL NO SOON FORGET, OLD TIMER!" MacBrock bellowed as he and a few other soldiers broke ranks and advanced on Brother Matthias.

1016lesson

With awe-inspiring speed and military precision, they set up a chalkboard and began sketching diagrams.

"Wise Professor Skunk lays it out clearly for an elf to understand," one recruit explained as he consulted a large book.  "Right here in the second chapter of Imperial Army Mechanics, taking the aggregate mass of the army multiplied by the speed of their march, factoring in time of day and angular rise of ground, and then exponentially quadrifilterated by the quantity S if their leader is a Scion of Irenaeus .. regard the formula clearly written out here."

"It can be reet dangerous tae impede the progress o' sooch a force."  MacBrock tapped the chalkboard menacingly with his pointer, and Brother Matthias glowered.

"You young whelps think you can teach me a thing or two, eh?" the old priest muttered, as he tightened his grip on his staff.

"I WAS NEVER HERE!" noble Percy bravely squawked, as he dove out the nearest window - for he had recognised the dread Duchess of Daisies, of whom no legend spoke aught but ill!

"All right, no squab fer now," the Duchess sneered.  "That just leaves you, Vulpy-gal, to explain why you is a-sullyin' my sacrificial maiden."

1016fifihee

"If this isn't sanctioned by Fuma, then whoops, my mistake," Fifi giggled.  "I know you merely intend to make ham.  You'll like, break her bones and consume her flesh, but that's vicious and primal and so on.  Perhaps in the embrace of the winsome and luxurious-coated Frost-Biter we can all get along.  Whadda you say, cutie?"

-----------------------------------------------------

"Cease this importune education!" I commanded as I clambered down from the ant-cart and strode confidently forward.  "I know this priest, and would parley with him!"

The soldiers saluted and withdrew.

"What are you up to, lad?" Matthias asked.  "This seems a dangerous game you are playing with these elves' lives."

1016teehee

"I have a mission from Fuma to correct the [i]Mistake,[/i]" I explained.  "You know Estmere's government is a sham.  I'll take the throne and reform the Church.  When the Bishop and Primate are gone, perhaps there'll be a place for a handsome, mature goat as Presbyter if you play along.  Whadda you say, cutie?"

"Boy, you need to be CLEANSED," Brother Matthias said with a disapproving scowl.
**************************************

"CLEANSING?" I scoffed.  "Nonsense!  I feel fine!  FABULOUS, in fact!"

I twirled giddily to demonstrate how marvelous I felt, and the old priest deftly grabbed me in a Mephitist headlock.

1023cleanse

"I don't have all of the proper elements," Brother Matthias explained.  "But I can do a quick field-cleansing which may ease some of your distress.  First, I'll need to wash your mouth out with soap."

"YOU DARE??!" I yelled.

"AYE, TIS LESS THAN WISE TAE LAY UNWELCOME HANDS UPON OUR NOBLE COMMANDER," MacBrock bellowed as he sternly grasped the priest's shoulder.

"Yeah, back off, old goat," one of the other soldiers snarled.  "Release him, or our next lesson won't be so academic."

"Fine," Brother Matthias grunted.  "I can see I'm outnumbered."

He released me from his headlock and I darted away.

1023spanky

Suddenly my buttocks were stricken with a searing pain!  I screamed and clutched them protectively, but a barrage of invisible blows continued to batter me upon my fundament!  I scampered around frantically, but my unseen assailant continued its attack with unerring accuracy.

"See?" Matthias snorted at the soldiers who surrounded him menacingly.  "The Prince is afflicted with a foul Unseelie curse and desperately needs Fuma's saving grace."

"AYE, YE MIGHT BE REEGHT ABOOT THAT, AFTER ALL," MacBrock observed thoughtfully.  "COOM THEN, LET'S CATCH 'IM."

Before the army could give chase, I suddenly collapsed with a sensation of plunging into a prickly thorn bush.  I lay in the road, unwilling to move lest I be jabbed by prickles, as my soldiers surrounded me.

1023icanhelp

"You know," Thomson called from where she was tied up in the cart.  "Since I was the one who cast this spell on him -"

"You reckon it's wise to call attention to yourself right now?" Burnside snapped as she pulled a knife from her elfintory.

"Since I cast this spell," Thomson continued, "it would be easier for me to remove it, than for you to waste time with a field cleansing."

"It would be easier, Wile-Witch," Brother Matthias retorted, "if you give me the foul poppet.  I know there is one.  This type of magick always requires a physical component."

Thomson lay quietly for a long moment.

"Well, witch?" Matthias barked.  "Where is the poppet?"

----------------------------------------------
According to the [i]Chanson du Percy:[/i]

After the screaming stopped, and the vixen was tossed insensible into the bushes, noble Percy boldly crept onto the porch of the shack and peeped into the doorway.

1023gloat

The brave bird beheld the dreaded Duchess of Daisies herself, standing inside the shack and chuckling wickedly as she held up a bedraggled tuft of white fur tied up with string.

"My insurance policy," the skunkess gloated.  "Adler'll have to behave hisself as long as I got this."
**************************************************

As related in the [i]Chanson du Percy:[/i]

"I reckon I could have me some real fun with this here trinket," the Unseelie Duchess cackled to herself.

1030surprise

"Top o' the mornin' to ye, Catherine me dearie," a strange fox-elf called out cheerily as he suddenly materialized in the room.  "And what is it ye might be after doin' on such a fine day as this?"

"ESTVAN SILVERBRUSH!" the wicked Duchess snarled as she turned to glare at the intruder.  "You got a lotta nerve showin' your rascally face around here, ol' boy!  Now I'm almost free, and I got my regalia on too, buddy, what you think yer gonna do?"

Clever Percy noticed a small fairy-like creature quietly approach the Duchess' hand while her attention was diverted.

"Cushlamochree, can't a tod pop in ta pay his respects to an old sweetheart at all, at all?" the fox tutted.  "Whisht, me dear, tis plain to see yer in no mood for pleasantries, so I'll bid ye good day."

1030purloined

Just as suddenly as he appeared, the strange fox was gone.  Duchess Catherine turned again to admire her trophy, and realized that her hand was empty.

Wise Percy made a quick tactical retreat as the Duchess stood for a long, sinister moment, staring at her hand as the air in the shack began to crackle.

1030kaboom

"DAMN YOU, ESTVAN!" the evil Duchess screamed in her fury as the shack exploded.  "HOW YOU DONE IT I DON'T KNOW, AND I DON'T CARE!  THIS WAS YOUR ONE FATAL MISTAKE, FOOL!  I'M A-GONNA GET YOU!  I'M A-GONNA GET YOU, AND IM A-GONNA PLUCK YOU BALD, ONE HAIR AT A TIME, AND WHILE I'M A-DOIN' THAT, I'LL THINK OF WAYS TO MAKE YOU [b]EXTRY[/b] UNCOMFORTABLE!!  I SWEAR I'LL DO IT!!  JUST YOU WAIT AN' SEE!"

1030pluck

Percy stumbled through the bushes to the spot where his lovely vixen companion had been kicked.

"That Duchess sure has a temper," the vixen groaned.  "Could you like, help me with these stickers?"

Kind Percy bent down and began plucking thorns and burrs from the vixen's back.

--------------------------------------------

"Last I saw the poppet was .. uh-oh," Thomson declared from the back of the cart.  "Back at the Antglade Diplomatic Outpost.  Didn't anyone pick it up?"

"The Duchess must have tampered!" I yelled as I twitched spasmodically from strange phantom pains that seemed to be jabbing me from every direction.  "Is there any help for these stickers?"

1030seizehim

"Without the poppet, our only recourse is a field Cleansing," Brother Matthias stated decisively.  "A couple of you big strong lads, seize the Prince and hold him still."

"Hudalaleigh!" a familiar voice called out.  "Sure an' there's no need to be subjectin' the lad to your stern Church magicks at all, at all."

1030whewdalaleigh

"At great personal risk to me own sweet self," Estvan explained as he stepped forward, mopping his brow with a handkerchief, "I've gone and procured the poppet."

"How did -?" Brother Matthias began to ask.

"Tis Fuma's own work I'm after doin', ye might say," Estvan interrupted with a wave of his hand.  "Sure an' the Prince has a sacred mission to correct the [i]Mistake[/i], whatever that may be, an' it's sure he won't be doin' it while flounderin' ineptly under some foul hoodoo whammy or somesuch.  Now then, who's to be gettin' this ghastly trinket?  Quickly now - I'd hate to be thinkin' I've incurred me own dismal doom for nothin'."

1030letme

"I'll take it," Thomson called from the antcart.  "I made the enchantment, and I am best able to unmake it."

"HOW'D SHE GET LOOSE?" MacBrock bellowed.
***********************************************

1106ropes

"Whoever tied me up did a woefully inadequate job," Thomson explained.  "For someone with Floozy training, those knots were child's play."

"DAGNABBIT," Burnside snarled from the floor of the cart.  "Get me outta this, or there's a-gonna be trouble!"

"I think you meant to say '[i]and[/i] there's going to be trouble'," Ms. Thomson sniffed.  "Best, I think, to leave you where you are until trust has been re-established all around.  Now then, give me the poppet and I shall undo its harmful influence."

1106never

"NO WAY!" I yelped in between cringes from the mysterious prickling sensation.  "Don't give her that object!  She's the one who hexed me in the first place!  OW!  What's to stop her from pooking away as soon as she has the poppet in her nefarious hooves?"

"Your Highness, I assure you I was only following orders and wish no harm to come to you," Thomson insisted.  "It's possible that you're over-tired.  When was the last time you had a good rest?"

"Nice try," I sneered.  "I've been unconscious for hours since getting magickally stomped back at the Outpost.  I feel OW completely rested!"

"I promise you I won't abscond with the poppet," Thomson assured me.  "I will simply undo its enchantment and dissolve it harmlessly."

"Better do it, lad, unless you'd prefer the Field Cleansing," Brother Matthias suggested, as he brandished a bar of soap.

"All right, OW, but no funny business."

1106dissolved

The Ixie flew to Thomson and handed her the poppet.  The Floozy whispered a few arcane words, untied the string binding the poppet together, and let the bundle of loose fur scatter on the breeze.

"Is that it?" one of the soldiers asked.  "I was hoping for something a bit more .. er .. dramatic."

1106hungry

"Beg pardon yer Heeghness," MacBrock whispered as he tapped my shoulder.  "But me an' the lads were woonderin' when will it be time tae eat?"

-----------------------------------------------
In the [i]Chanson du Percy:[/i]

1106shoop

"Whoops," a well-coiffed vixen exclaimed as the stout wards around brave Percy's noble backside twinkled with arcane power.  A loathsome Tailipo monster flew from her paw and whizzed quickly past our hero and his companion.

1106notagain

The beast darted in beneath the tail of the bunny maiden and lodged fast there, as she emerged suddenly from the underbrush.

"DAMNATION!" the maiden swore coarsely.  "A lowfolk femme now?  This is ridiculous!!  Which one of you is the Frost-Biter?"
**************************************

1113gnaw

"DOGGONNIT," Burnside snarled as she tried to gnaw through her entangling ropes.  "Git me outta this and I'll whip up a batch o' delicious barbecue quick as ya please."

"NOOOO!" the Army yelled in unison.  "Leave her tied up, for the love of Fuma!"

"Yall just a buncha dang ingrates," the raccoon femme bellowed.

"We have a wise priest among us," I proclaimed, turning to Brother Matthias.  "What would you suggest, o reverend one?"

"Hmmm, I'm in a bit of a quandary," the monk muttered.  "Perhaps I should consult the oracle for advice."

1113ayeken

He produced a floppy codex from his Elfintory, and began scribbling in it with a pale, stubby quill.

"What in Fuma's name are you doing?" I asked him.

"Hudalaleigh!" Estvan cackled.  "Sure an' isn't that one o' those [i]Aye & Ken[/i] books?  Do they even still make them at all, at all?"

"Of course," Brother Matthias grunted, still scribbling furiously.  "The Lower Athafon Chapel keeps a supply of them, ordered directly from Eel Publications."

"Well what does the mighty oracle say then?" Estvan asked.

"Outlook hazy," Matthias read aloud.  "Try again later.  Well, that's not very helpful.  Perhaps I should field-cleanse his Highness anyway, just to make sure there are no Unseelie influences at work here."

"I feel fine," I declared.  "Let's focus on the problem of provisions for this army."

1113munch

"You know, back in Ireaneus' day," Estvan declared between bites as he munched a large turkey leg.  "The army'd plunder as it went, takin' what was needed and leavin' the land despoiled in its wake."

"That's hardly Seelie," Matthias objected.

"Sometimes, me boyo, tis most important to produce results, an' worry about Seeliness afterward."

"HEY!" MacBroc exclaimed.  "WHERE'D YE GET THA JUICY LEG, LADDIE?"

"Laddie?" Estvan repeated, with great umbrage.  "I ask you, is that any way to address yer elders an' betters?  But since ye asked, this lovely morsel is from me own pretty cache, a fine tradition handed down from me ancient feral ancestors."

"HE'S GOT FOOD IN HIS ELFINTORY!"  the badger exclaimed.  "PILLAGE HIM!"

"Wait, wait!" I yelled.  "Let's not fight amongst ourselves!  Save your aggression for Albric Tor!  Estvan, what food do you have on you?"

"Sure an' ye'd not rob an old fox o' his vittles cache?" Estvan exclaimed with a shocked expression.  "Tisn't done, boyo."

"What have you got?" I insisted.  "If we get a cauldron set up, anything we can scrounge up I can use to make stew."

"Oho, why didn't ye say so sooner?" Estvan chuckled.  "For a famous stew, sure an' I can spare some cold shoulder o' mutton and some potatoes."

"Right.  You lot, find a cauldron in the supply wagon and set up a cook fire.  The rest of you, spread out and forage for edibles.  I'll also need water enough to fill the cauldron halfway.  Brother Matthias, did you mention a Lower Athafon Chapel just now?"

"I, er, did I?" the monk waffled.

"If you come across the Chapel, plunder it," I instructed my troops.

"HEY NOW, wait, wait," Matthias protested.  "You say you're on a mission from Fuma to correct the [i]Mistake[/i], right?"

"I am," I confirmed.  "Elves do not lie."

"Very well.  Some of you come with me.  I'll open the root cellar, and you may also pick peaches from the Chapel orchard."

"ERRGH, WHAT IF THERE BE SPIDERS?" MacBrock asked with a shudder.

1113simmer

Water was fetched forthwith, and a fire stoked, and I began simmering Estvan's meat and potatoes while we waited for the foraging teams to return.
**********************************************

1122makeup

"Sorry about my actions earlier, Your Highness," Ms. Thomson said as she sidled up to the stew cauldron.  "I was under orders from the Sisterhood to gain definite control over you, but personally I trust you and I know you'll do the right thing.  Let me help you with this stew you're making."

"Don't trust that durn Floozy," Burnside snarled as she hobbled over.  "She's a-tryin ta use Wiles on ya even now!  Somebody get me outta these dang ropes, and I'll help fix the vittles.  I reckon them soldiers'll bring back some game that needs butcherin."

"Careful with that knife, dearie," Thomson sneered.  "Hopping around like that, you're liable to hurt someone."

"Anyone helping with this stew will have to obey my orders to the letter," I insisted.  "A proper stew is a work of art.  Its flavor can motivate an army, or perhaps even inspire a city to peacefully surrender.  Hmmm.."

1122looky

My musings on the possibility of using the Language of Flavors to bring about a peaceful resolution to conflict was interrupted by my soldiers returning.

"Look what I found in the woods, sir!" one recruit yelled enthusiastically as he tugged the lowfolk bunny maiden along by her arm.

"NO," I declared sternly.  "We are not making ham out of her or putting her into the stew, or eating lowfolk flesh in any way whatsoever."

"Don't be so hasty to restrict yer menu," Burnside advised.

"No lowfolk," I repeated.

"Does that mean I can keep her then?" the soldier asked hopefully.

"I won't have my troops eating lowfolk, and we haven't got the time or resources to keep pets," I decided.  "Take her back into the woods and turn her loose."

1122mthanded

As the dog soldier trudged forlornly away with the bunny maiden in tow, another recruit approached, making a hopeless gesture with his arms.

"How dare you come up here empty-handed!" I yelled irritably.  "Get away from the cauldron if you have nothing to contribute!"

"I, uh, have a load of mushrooms, sir," the porcine soldier explained uncertainly.  "Nobody mentioned you not liking them."

"Oh," I exclaimed.  "Yes, mushrooms.  I see them now.  Usually they are beneath my notice, but those actually might be useful."

1122dumpin

Before I could examine the mushrooms, my attention was diverted by a loud, plopping splash from the cauldron.  I turned just in time to see MacBrock dropping an armload of something into the stew.

"THA SHOULD SPICE IT OOP REET BONNY," the badger chuckled merrily.

"What did you do??" I shrieked.  "What did you just dump into my stew???"

"NOWT BUT SOME TASTY VITTLES," MacBrock insisted.  "A GEET LOAD O' PEACHES, BOYSENBERRIES, CUMQUATS, PINE NUTS, AN BONNY RED BLUE AN YELLOW POWDERS FRAE THE CHAPEL HERBARIUM."

1122thatrecipe

"Cushlomachree!" Estvan exclaimed.  "Sure an' if I'm not far mistaken, tis the recipe for a dread Stew Golem!"
**************************************************

1129nogolem

"No," I insisted, as a gooey hand began to emerge from the bubbling broth.  "NO, you foul product of Dark Saucery!  I am the Stew Master and I will not permit you to ruin my army's lunch!  NEVER, foul creature!  Back to the depths from which you came!  Mr. Silverbrush, keep this monster down while I add the final ingredients."

Estvan stepped forward, grimly brandishing his shillelagh.

"You back there!" I called, gesturing without taking my eyes from the emerging horror in the cauldron.  "Bring those mushrooms!  We will need .." I took a whiff of the aroma of the stew.  "A grey one with purple splotches and a wrinkly stem.  I hope you have some."

"I have three, sir," the pig replied nervously, placing the fungus in my hand.

I quickly broke the mushrooms up into fragments and tossed them into the cauldron.

"Begorrah, tis workin' lad!" Estvan exclaimed.  "Now stir!  Stir with all yer might!"

"NEEDS SALT," I grunted as I worked my stew-paddle around in the thickening broth.

Another soldier stepped up with a rammikin of salt.  I nodded, and he tossed it into the stew.

After a few more savage stirs, the ghastly hand began to melt back into the broth, and the liquid became quiescent.  Cautiously I took a spoonful and blew on it for a few seconds.  I tasted it.  It was good.

"It's ready," I announced.  "Form a line.  Any who do not have a bowl and a spoon will be issued one from the mess wagon."

Within minutes, everyone was eating.  The order and efficiency with which the army got their meal was almost enough to bring a tear of admiration to my eye, despite my never having had any military experience nor training.  If they could co-ordinate a luncheon this smoothly, I had high hopes about their performance on the field of battle.

1129tails

"Didn't Prince Adler order you to take that maiden back to the woods and release her?" someone asked the hound who had brought the bunny maiden.

"He didn't say to do it right away," the hound replied between mouthfuls of stew.  "It can wait til I'm done eating."

"Didn't she have a big fluffy white tail earlier?" the other elf inquired.  "It was actually a lot like the Prince's tail, as I recall."

"That's silly," the hound muttered dismissively.  "Who ever heard of a lowfolk rabbit with a glorious, luxurious white skunk tail?"

"Am I to be sacrificed, or art thou just going to stand about and ogle me all day?" the maiden demanded.  "Where is my Frost-Biter?"

"ALL RIGHT TROOPS," I yelled after the spoons and bowls had been returned to the wagon, and the cauldron had been scrubbed clean and properly stowed.  "Let's get moving now!  ON TO THE CAPITAL!"

The army let out a rousing cheer, and we began to march.

After a while, we stopped.  A runner came from the front of the column.  "We're almost at the gate, sir," he gasped.  "But it's heavily guarded."

"Guarded?  By whom?"

"You'd best come see for yourself, sir," he panted.

I followed him up past several rows of soldiers, around a bend in the road, and there I beheld -

1129shrubs

- the old Faerie Gate to Albric Tor, surrounded by a menacing squadron of Shrub Knights!
******************************************

"Shrubs!" someone muttered amongst the troops.  "Are we supposed to be scared?  Bah!  Let's just send all of the herbivores in there to nibble them to submission!  Where's that strange long-tailed rabbitess I saw earlier?"

"Those look like holly bushes to me," another soldier bleated.  "Not good for munching, at all."

1205chaarge

"FIE, YE DAINTY WEE PANSIES," MacBrock bellowed as he barged ahead through the ranks.  "I'VE A MIGHTY AXE WI' WHICH TAE HEW THEIR BRITTLE BOUGHS CLEAN THROUGH!  OR WE'LL SET 'EM AFLAME!  OR, BY THE LADY, JUST TIP THEIR POTS OVER!  MACBROCK TREMBLES BEFORE NO SHROOB!  WHO'S WI' ME?"

Before I could stop them, a score of stalwart fighters followed MacBrock in a charge, pell-mell into the midst of the Shrub Knights.

1205ghastly

"Fuma!  I can't look!" I wailed as I cringed from the sounds of carnage.  Hacking and chopping and screams of mortal agony filled the air.

"Arragh, tis a fine old elfly way to go," Estvan sighed wistfully, with a hand over his heart.  "Sure and I've not seen elves fall so, by their own folly, since the Long Ago.  Twill make a lovely new crop o' monuments in the Hall of Ancestors."

1205slaughter

"FLY!" MacBrock shrieked as he dragged himself painfully from the field of battle.  "THEY'VE O'ERMATCHED US AND THE DAY IS LOST!  FLY, I SAY!  FLEE FOR YER VERY LIVES!"

"STAND!" I yelled decisively before my army could panic.  "You see the results of rashness and failing to await orders!  Someone fetch that badger out of there and carry him to the herbalist's wagon.  What?  We have no herbalist?  Find Brother Matthew and ask him then!  Now someone bring me a stick and a white handkerchief for a flag of truce.  I would parley with the commander of these shrubs!"

"PARLEY!" I declared, when the flag was in my hand.  "My weapons are put well away, and I would speak with your commander in complete peace!"

The Shrub Knights rustled as I strode forward.  I passed unscathed among them to where their superior officer stood, in the back.

1205parley

"Agent Bonsai?" I asked as I squatted down to address him.

"[i]This lowly one is known as Sergeant-Major Bonsai now, thanks in large part to the meritorious decoration bestowed by Your Highness,[/i]" the tiny tree replied.  "[i]Sincerest apologies about your men, but we must defend ourselves when attacked.[/i]"

"What are you doing out here?"

"[i]This one's squad was placed here and commanded to defend the approach to the Capital.  Please forgive one's boldness in confessing that it is uncertain in which direction the true path of honor lies.  The air is rife with various reports.  It is said that the Crown has been corrupted by Vulpitania and the supposedly nonexistent Sisterhood.  Yet it is also said that you yourself are in league with said Sisterhood, and the Duchess of Daisies.[/i]"
**********************************************

"I have been tasked by Lady Fuma Herself to correct the Mistake," I informed Bonsai.  "Elves do not lie.  The best way to do this will be from the Imperial throne."

1213whisper

"Between you and me," I whispered confidentially.  "There are some Unseelie elements who think they will benefit from my ascension.  I intend to let them help me as far as they will, and then when I am in power I'll put them in their place."

"[i]Very clever, Highness,[/i]" the tiny shrub admitted.

"Hey, what are you guys talking about over there?" Ms. Thomson called from the other side of the line of Shrub Knights.

"He's up to somethin," Burnside grunted suspiciously as she hopped up and down, trying to get a better look.

1213hesfine

"HEY!" Brother Matthias yelled.  "What's the idea sending this lummox to me for Penultimate Rites?  He's not injured!  He's not even sick!"

"ARRAGH," MacBrock rumbled as he prodded himself curiously.  "I COULD HAE SWOORN I WAS AT DEETH'S DOOR.  ME WOUNDS SEEM TA HAE MENDED THEMSELVES!"

1213nonlethal

"I'm okay, too," one of the supposedly dead soldiers exclaimed as he sat up and plucked a fake arrow from his back.

"I totes should have seen that coming," a fox groaned as he sat up.  "This blood is liek, fake & stuff.  Nonsense liek this is Y I left teh Republic N teh 1st place."

"[i]How can this be?[/i]" Bonsai rustled in astonishment.

"It looks like your squad has been issued Vulpitanian prank weapons," I observed.

"[i]This looks like the work of that perfidious craven, Ikebana,[/i]" Bonsai quivered.  "[i]He has envied my humble promotion and works ever to chip my bark and humiliate me.  I request time to query my superiors and receive clarification of my orders.[/i]"

"How long will that take?" I asked.

"[i]Not long.  Only twenty days with a favorable wind.[/i]"

"We can't wait around that long!" I wailed.  "Let us pass, and you can remain here to guard the gate."

"[i]Our orders were only to guard it, not to prevent anyone passing through,[/i]" Bonsai admitted.  "[i]It is acceptable.[/i]"
*************************************************************

"The shrubs have agreed to let us pass," I announced.  "Now we near the crisis; I need a moment to make plans."

1220strategy

How was I going to do this?  What might be awaiting us on the other side of the gate?  Certainly Marshal Theronmyathus would have mustered his most capable forces to defend the Capital, and I couldn't count on them being equipped with Vulpitanian joke weapons.  And what about Estmere?  How could I get him to abdicate the throne and hand over his crown without killing him?  Because killing my own brother was definitely out of the question.  I also had no intention of using the horrible Unseelie weapon that the Duchess called "Plague of Battles."

Oh yes, and regarding the Duchess .. how could I put her off without incurring an unacceptable level of risk to my safety?  For that matter, how was I going to subdue the Sisterhood and eliminate F.E.L.F. and put the Vulpitanians in their place?  And what about the Scuti?  Surely they were still lurking around somewhere, with a sinister agenda of their own.

"Hey," I said, turning to ask Brother Matthias a question.

1220allgone

"Where is everyone?" I asked as I nervously beheld the clearing around the Gate entirely empty except for the Shrub Knights.

"[i]They have proceeded through to Albric Tor,[/i]" Bonsai politely informed me.  "[i]Best of luck with your campaign.[/i]"
**********************************************

1230isitsafe

Sorry for the very short update, but it took me quite a while to actually find His Majesty Adler II, and when I did, pretty much all I could get out of him was a whispered "Is it over?  Is he gone?"

When I told him Christmas was over, he muttered mysteriously that "the curse lasts for twelve days," whatever that is supposed to mean.  At least he did give me this small snippet of the Ballad before retreating back into the shadows and resuming his mushroom act.
----------------------------------------------------

"Confound it!" I exclaimed.  "I told them to wait for me!"

I rushed through the gate, dreading the sight of whatever peril my army may have bumbled into on the other side.

1230whatgives

"WHAT IN FUMA'S NAME ARE YOU LOT DOING?" I yelled when I saw them sitting around munching on sandwiches.

"EATIN," MacBrock replied around a mouthful of bread.  "SURELY YE DOON'T EXPECT US TAE FIGHT ON AN EMPTY STOOMACH."

"You just had stew an hour ago!" I pointed out angrily.

"AYE, AND A LONG HOUR IT WAS, TOO.  WE STROOVE AGAINST SHROOBS AN' MARCHED TAE TH' OOTSKIRTS O' ALBRIC TOR.  TIS A LOT O' SOLDIERY TAE BE DOIN' ON SHOORT RATIONS."

"I told you to wait for me," I insisted.

"AN' SO WE ARE," the badger explained.  "YON CAPITAL IS HEEVILY DEFENDED.  TWOULD BE DOOBLE FOLLY TAE MARCH IN WI'OUT LOONCH AN' ORDERS."